WWYD- 2 very different children

[Member786488]

One very academic, studying at Cambridge, slightly autistic to the point where they struggle to find work in the holidays and rely on us financially despite our attempts to get them to get a job and fund holidays. Live on student loans the rest of the year.

the other is leaving school after A levels and will be working in a cafe or as a housemaid to make money. no desire whatsoever to go to uni. They have had a part time job since they were 12. Will live at home because they realise how expensive moving out and living independently can be.

the second child resents the financial support they see their sibling getting but don’t necessarily understand how difficult it it for their sibling to just ‘get a job.’

if we don’t support the older child they don’t eat.

any ideas?

@LordSnot you clearly don’t live in a British seaside town. There are any number of establishments that employ kids in the holidays, many family businesses.

@FluentRubyDog yiu have understood my position exactly, thank you.

OP I have a very similar experience.

DS was at Cambridge and would actually starve if I didn’t send money. He couldn’t study full time and work. His sister has a fabulous work ethic and good organisational skills and I have never had to “bail her out.”

As suggested upthread, the way I deal with it is I put money aside for DD roughly equal to what I spend on DS. It probably isn’t quite as much, but overall it takes away any feeling of guilt. DD doesn’t actually know what I give DS anyway as it is none of her business in my view. They are older now, mid/late twenties, and I only recently told DD about the money I put aside for her. She is thrilled, and won’t ask for it unless it’s for something substantial.

My DS got a fellowship to support himself in summer. Could yours try something like that? It looked great on his cv and helped him get a prestigious job. He just about manages to keep his job by showing flashes of absolute brilliance in between dreadful timekeeping and odd disappearances when he feels overwhelmed.

I don’t know if this is useful, but given the similarities, thought I’d share. Good luck.

So eldest hasn't even been diagnosed?

So youngest who struggles academically and has a good work ethic deems it unfair and you can't see why because you've self diagnosed eldest as slightly autistic. And you're seeing that as far more of a barrier than having a possible learning difficulty (why haven't you self diagnosed your youngest as that?)

Fwiw my ds is autistic and what would be described as high functioning (it's based on iq and not levels of functioning)

What I would do when your eldest comes home you need to be giving her chores - daily. You need to be making her cook meals - daily.
She needs to learn the skills if her iq is ok and she doesn't have learning difficulties. Not be sitting around being waited on hand and foot whilst her younger sister is out working.

I suppose the way I would look at it and explain it is, treating kids equally doesn't mean them getting the exact same thing. You support them when they need you. Right now your daughter is young and doesn't need much from you financially. However in the future she might well need your financial support and you can reassure her you will absolutely give that to her.

In the future your son may well be able to support himself financially and so your support will stop.

I'm one of three siblings and I've been lucky that I haven't needed much support financial or otherwise from my parents. My siblings have been through some stuff that means they have. I've never felt resentment because I know with absolute certainty they'd offer the same support to me.

@FluentRubyDog it's not terminology I'd use but I'd say talking in terms of support is generally more helpful. Because that is the OP's problem. Two DC who need different approaches. Especially if the older one is undiagnosed.

As I said in my post, my parents were financially completely fair in a similar situation. They've always divided up what they had to give us 50/50 and if we've chosen to use it differently, then that's been OK.

I think the OP should do that. Figure out what she can afford and split it equally.

The living at home child may want to go to university or college later, or train in a trade. Maybe they'd like to travel too. The university one may be back living at home in due course - probably will, if they forget to eat left to their own devices!

what's the long term plan? How long do you plan to fund DC1? What if they cannot find a job after graduation from Cambridge because they are, ahem, 'slightly autistic'?

DH is (probably, DD is diagnosed) autistic and it was when he left Cambridge the wheels started to come off a bit. Cambridge is a very supportive place for some people.

This is where high functioning doesn't really get used appropriately. I take it to mean autism without intellectual disability. It certainly sounds like your eldest doesn't function at all in some areas if he won't eat without you facilitating it.

I agree with PP I'd have an open conversation with youngest and agree that you'll offer the same financial support but not necessarily provide it at the same time or same way.

if I fund it they could travel and have great life experiences and grow and make contacts. If I don’t they’re stuck in the town they hate with no friends and nothing to do, exaggerating any mh problems that are exacerbated in that environment.
Wow. But "hey dc2, I don't care about you living in this dreadful town, and am not paying for you to go on holiday, and am not bothered about you having 'great life experience'" let me guess, keeping dc2 close so they can be the one to look after everyone in later years?
Can you honestly not see the stonking favouritism?!

I think in your position if I could afford it I would not be asking the younger DD for rent for the time being, just to cover costs for her own food. That way you can explain to her that you’re supporting her in a similar way. I’d also continue to support the basics for the older child, like food and rent, but not be paying extra when they are at home- I think it’s fair that they should fund their own holidays/ socialising etc (and it might be a valuable life lesson- surely they are going to have to get a job at some point?).

In what way are they unable to get paid work (or a paid internship?)
What subject are they reading?

Is dc1 male and dc2 female?
I just reread thread and can see you're planning on taking digs money when dc2 gets a job as a housemaid during the summer season and planning on funding 12 WEEKS of travelling and hols for their sibling!
Can you honestly not see their upset? Maybe dc2 would have liked a fully funded 12 weeks? Have you even asked?

My brother has autism and despite being intelligent I am stumped as to a job he could do. He has no social awareness, farts, belches, sneezes all over people, talks loudly and in a monotone, hopeless with anything practical. I’ve tried and failed to think of anything he could do. Of course he’s very depressed as a result.

Is he able to study at university? The OP's son is able to do so, but from your description, your bother brother couldn't?

I agree. Sounds like you very much prefer DC1.

He’s got four degrees but can’t wash his hands 😏

I am sorry as someone who comes from a family with a lot of autism including myself - I would be questioning why your eldest can not get a job due to autism. My best friend’s son is ‘very’ ASD - no eye contact and used to talk in advertising jingles as a small child bless him. He now speaks in a completely monotone voice and has zero facial expressions - but he has not had any issue getting part time jobs while at uni - literally got a job the first week he started uni - he works at events on a till near uni and a job in next warehouse when home on study leave.
I would be unpicking what jobs your job has applied for - it also seems you have let them give up trying

None of those things are a particular barrier to A-levels and university though? I mean, you'd need to avoid courses with a lot of group work but apart from that?

I don't lack the imagination to realise that it might be more challenging or there may be some roles which are unsuitable but I'm asking in what way in order to help open up for suggestions about what they could do.
The primary aim, surely, is to help both DC up for their lives, and helping DC1 to explore ways they can make a living (else what is the plan after graduation?) would be an important part of that.

There are lots of jobs where the traits you describe wouldn't be desirable but they wouldn't be an obstacle either.

Fucking hell, I agree, you absolutely cannot say that to a living child, how damaging! I was brought up with an ND sibling in the 90s and was basically told this myself. It’s awful. Don’t do this to your kids OP.

Fairness isn’t everyone getting the same, fairness is everyone getting the support they need. So offer your younger one extra support of a different kind, into savings or as free lodging. Make it clear you’re doing everything you can to ensure things are fair. Acknowledge they see their older sibling “getting” more. Please don’t ever do as this heartless PP suggested.

It’s a cliche, but you’ve just described 75% of the IT department at my old job.

Sorry, that was in response to @McSpoot.

OP, what does the uni careers service suggest re work? I know it's harder at Cambridge because of the short terms, but there may be possibilities actually within College?

Which ones @OMGsamesame ? I’m genuinely asking because it’s hard work thinking of any (I haven’t gone into everything for obvious reasons) but at the moment he’s unemployable.

It depends a lot on your own financial situation. If you can afford to help both of them, then do that. We had one who went to university and one who didn't-he was very keen to have a go at following a passion. We agreed to give him the same as we had given his university sister. But we could do it financially. If you can't, then there need to be very open discussions about how they are both going to support themselves-is the older one going to be able to get a job once they graduate?

So DC1 won’t eat unless you send extra money, but they could manage to look after themselves totally whilst having a good time on a series of holidays you are paying for? Meanwhile DC 2 is working, has worked from a possibly illegal age, and is going to leave school in order to continue to work at unskilled jobs. This is apparently their own idea, although oddly enough they seem to be a bit resentful at the easy life their sibling has.

Whatever ‘difficulties ‘ DC1 has, they have certainly got your number.