WWYD- 2 very different children

[Member786488]

One very academic, studying at Cambridge, slightly autistic to the point where they struggle to find work in the holidays and rely on us financially despite our attempts to get them to get a job and fund holidays. Live on student loans the rest of the year.

the other is leaving school after A levels and will be working in a cafe or as a housemaid to make money. no desire whatsoever to go to uni. They have had a part time job since they were 12. Will live at home because they realise how expensive moving out and living independently can be.

the second child resents the financial support they see their sibling getting but don’t necessarily understand how difficult it it for their sibling to just ‘get a job.’

if we don’t support the older child they don’t eat.

any ideas?

Ah. If it's travel and holidays that you're funding, I can see why the sibling is upset.

Your justification might make sense to you, but to her, you're paying a lot of money for her older sibling to have jolly holidays with their mates.

If your eldest is autistic enough for it to have made it impossible for him to find work but you haven’t pursued a diagnosis or support for him then it sounds a bit like you’ve thrown money at him instead of helping them with the skills he needs to be able to get a job.

Whereas your youngest has these skills and instead of helping them with the investment they need to be able to thrive in a fairly cutthroat environment without a bachelor’s degrees, you’re going to instill the lesson that if they leave education they pay their way.

I can kind of see why your youngest might see this as unfair. You aren’t putting the same emphasis on paying your way for your eldest as you are for your youngest. Even though, ultimately, they both need to be able to do this.

But I don’t think your plan to have your youngest contribute when they leave school and have a job, and putting that money in a savings account for them is bad. Though you should probably work out what you’ve really spent on supporting the eldest and if it’s more than you’ll spend on housekeeping for youngest, consider topping up the savings account. I also think it will seem more real to youngest if you let that savings account be in their name.

I would be explicit about this with the younger one - tell them that you are trying to ensure both they and their sibling end up being able to thrive as adults and that takes different kinds of investment since the paths they want to take are different. Tell younger one that sibling is getting a fair amount of support at the moment because these years - the 10 or so between secondary school and setting up independently - are difficult ones and eldest is getting an investment in education. Younger sibling is not looking for that sort of investment so you will probably help them with saving for a [house deposit/setting up a business/etc.] as employment likely to be less lucrative for them long term. And that you can do that by covering their costs if they live at home providing they put x per week in a long term savings (and this is their bit of the investment that you are helping with, just as eldest is putting in their own bit of their investment by studying). And if you are going to provide cash support as well then let them know that too.

How they going to get a job after uni if they haven’t acquired the skills?
I agree if u support one u need support the others.

Are you missing the point for England at the upcoming Olympics?

Please don't, high functioning is not used anymore, hasn't been for years and is hated by the Actually Autistic community as it is meaningless.

If they can manage at Cambridge they can manage a job. Probably one that pays better than working a cafe or being a housemaid (?)

I'd like to know who was employing a 12-year-old in 2017/18. Was one of their colleagues The Artful Dodger?

OP, both of your kids are different people with different characteristics. Only you can tell what is the best for either of them and no Doreen from mumsnet has any right to put you down because she turfed her kid out day after A levels and has lived to regret it, but can't help herself brining it out on you here.

I can understand how an autistic (dg or not) dc may be able enough to excel in their narrow area of interest in an atmosphere like Cambridge, but struggle in a menial student type job in the summer. Social situation doesn't help, while travelling bypasses that by enabling them to get out of their shell. Add to that the fact that autism often comes with summertime dysphoria and you've got the perfect storm. I haven't got a solution, perhaps an online job in an area close to their study field or an internship may help?

Your second dc, I see their point too, however I would point out that image where several different animals are required to do a test, where they have to climb a tree. Easy enough for a monkey, impossible for the fish. But you're the parent to both the monkey and the fish. Perhaps save up the same amount as you give to the DC1 and explain to DC2 they can have their share at 25?

Do you have absolute confidence that Child A will be willing and able to get a job when they are finished with University? Or are they planning to move home and stay there? If the answer is they aren't likely to be able to cope with a job or living on their own, I would imagine that Child B will be feeling more than a bit hard done by as they watch you throw massive support at a degree that won't be used as Child B struggles to become self-supporting without much support from you.

No, you can. It's a spectrum.

I'm struggling to understand the needs of the first child. They aren't diagnosed but you think high functioning autism, but you say they can't feed themselves which suggests independent living is an issue (but how are they coping at uni?) why can't they work?

This post suggests you want to fund their travel abroad? Which suggests a much higher level of independence?

I can see why the second sibling is resentful. The first child seems to have a lot more opportunities sent their way.

Nope sorry- your eldest can live, study and function independently at university but can't be at home because it's depressing, and won't get a job, so you find their 12 weeks social life and wonder why your other child is resentful? You have no diagnosis but an assumption. When they graduate where do they plan to work? Clearly away from home, if they hate it that much. I dont think it's fair to the younger one that you are funding a 4 yr social life juts because they have different aspirations.

It's really unfair to pay for one child to go travelling and not the other. Most teens and young people can't afford to travel around the world. If I was your younger child then I'd know the older child is the favourite. If your older child has MH issues then they need therapy.

I was with you until you specified what support you were actually giving to the eldest DC. Funding their holidays so they aren't sat at home in the 12 week holidays is very different to funding them so they have food to eat.

Am I right in that you are funding holidays for the elder but not the younger child? That doesn't sound fair.

I think you need to talk to and support the younger one. Are you intending to charge rent / board?

If you can afford to not charge then maybe you support the younger one with free board and lodging for 3 years.

What happens when your eldest graduates? If they cannot get a job in the holiday will they when they graduate?

How will you support the eldest then? Hopefully they get a well paid job and then you can do something for the youngest.

You treat them exactly the same financially.
Your older child didn't choose to have autism/ difficulties just like your second child didn't choose to have an older sibling with difficulties.
There's nothing that splits families more than inequality.

This is terrible advice and a fast track to sibling resentment.

Your children are blessed in different areas. The eldest clearly has exceptional academic prowess to ascertain a place at Cambridge, whilst the youngest has better resilience and social skills. It is impossible to say who is in the better situation and who will achieve the most over their lives at the point. Indeed it is impossible to assume that the youngest will 'navigate life easily' as you have no idea what issues and problems they will encounter.

It sounds like you have cast a 'vulnerable' DC and a'resilient' DC. The language you have used to describe why financial assistance is needed for the vulnerable DC is interesting. Suggestions that they won't eat without it and that they have nothing to live for at home if they don't travel. The threats seem extreme and it is hard for the more resilient sibling's needs to get a look in when contrasted with this. I would have to ask if you honestly believe the threats to eldest are as severe are you describe if you don't fund his holidays and subsidise his living costs? If they are, then you need to reach out and get proper help for him as there is a lot more going on than paying for a few holidays will solve.

Meanwhile you need to really look at the resilient sibling and analyse their situation. Is it really as rosy as you think or are they just less keen to make their needs apparent?

@Member786488 i understand your dilemma as i grew up in a household where my sister was a very demanding problem child and my parents threw loads of money at the problem, thinking she will have a good outcome. As a result my brother and I were comparatively neglected. I mean we had everything we needed but there was a discrepancy in the amount of input by our parents.

My three children are different and have different needs. However, it has always been my mission that one will not miss out or have to compromise because of the other.

They need different levels of input and support, monetary or otherwise and luckily we have been able to meet their individual needs.

You have to understand that deapite all your input, your older DC will always have his difficulties and they need to work on it as well. They have the capability to study at Cambridge so they should have the capability to work on themselves to live the life they want despite their disability. Nowadays workplaces have to make reasonable adjustments to accomplish neurodiversity (it may be beneficial for him to get an official diagnosis as he may not be able to "mask" it forever and it can be a protected characteristic)

@letsgoglamping's post I thought was helpful.

I'm the older sibling of someone with (probably) additional needs. I say 'probably' because my parents preferred not to name it or acknowledge it.

It is tough spending your life being designated 'the coping one'. It's damaged all of our relationships. I'm sure it's also been tough for my sibling to struggle to 'adult' and not really understand why.

My parents have always been completely fair and equal financially though, so there's that.

It's hard parenting two totally different children though.

Do you remember Alvin Hall, who was on the telly a lot a while back? I picked up a second hand copy of his book 'You and Your Money' last summer. There's a lot of good advice in it, even if some of the specifics are out of date.

So what terminology should one use to differentiate between a person who is autistic but able to study at a high level and live independently (albeit with some difficulties socially) and one who is, say, non-verbal and not capable of independent living? Genuine question.

Autistic with low support needs
Autistic with high support needs

Oh, don't worry, someone will be along in 5 minutes to get mortally offended by your label.

In the meantime, how does this help OP at all?

I think you are punishing the younger child for her ability to work and rewarding the older for not working. Personally I think you should treat them the same. Either they both live at home rent free or they both contribute.
Otherwise there will be resentment between the siblings that you are fuelling.

It’s very difficult to justify not treating them the same to the younger one. She’s not interested in all the reasons you say oldest needs the money, all she can see if her being asked to pay when oldest never was.

I think the problem with high / low support needs is that it isn’t necessarily that one’s high or low but very different indeed. My own brother has very high needs but can live independently. It’s only superficial though.

It's one thing paying towards uni living costs/accommodating different needs and quite another paying for holidays. If you give one £400 for a city break the other should get similar.

I’d honestly put your efforts into helping your eldest find holiday work. If they have the skills to get into Cambridge and keep up with the course, they should be able to do some kind of job. I say that as someone who is autistic and worked to pay my way through university, cleaning and waitressing. It wasn’t easy but looking back, the skills and experience I got from part time work were really good for me (even if difficult at the time), and were what helped me get into the world of work after university. It will be good for his CV to have some kind of work experience, when he comes to start a career. I’d say it’s fair for you to find basic subsistence, but not holidays/travel. Im
reading this with interest though - my kids are younger but also different to each other, and the eldest now goes to private school due to autism and situational mutism. The youngest doesn’t want to go to private school so we’re also debating how to make things ‘fair’ going forwards. It’s not easy, I know.