WWYD- 2 very different children

[Member786488]

One very academic, studying at Cambridge, slightly autistic to the point where they struggle to find work in the holidays and rely on us financially despite our attempts to get them to get a job and fund holidays. Live on student loans the rest of the year.

the other is leaving school after A levels and will be working in a cafe or as a housemaid to make money. no desire whatsoever to go to uni. They have had a part time job since they were 12. Will live at home because they realise how expensive moving out and living independently can be.

the second child resents the financial support they see their sibling getting but don’t necessarily understand how difficult it it for their sibling to just ‘get a job.’

if we don’t support the older child they don’t eat.

any ideas?

It's not fair to financially support one child and not the other. You sound like my PIL who financially supported (significantly) their high functioning autistic son at university but not my DP who left home in his teens and has always worked.

It isn’t about wanting to swap lives with the sibling. It’s more about a feeling that your own wants, needs and desires always come second to someone else’s because you’re the lucky one. While that might be true in a broad sense it still stings. That isn’t to say every sibling of a child with a disability will feel that way but they aren’t uncommon feelings either.

Correct. It's binary, just like you can't be slightly pregnant!

Oh yeah that won’t go well… your kid2 will see this as pass through supporting kid1.

I think maybe a different tack than the one usually taken. A savings account in your name that kid2 can see bank statements on a regular basis that shows their contribution growing… and mor importantly not going as a pass through to kid1.

Does the older one live at home during the holidays? And given that she's not been affected enough to be diagnosed, is she really absolutely incapable of doing a simple student type job in the holidays?

It might be that the younger one things you're underestimating her sibling?

The one at university will need to get a job at some point though? How are they planning for that? You can't support them forever.

If your uni child is living on student loans in term time what financial support are you actually giving them? If it’s basically a room in your house / not charging them for bills, food etc, couldn’t you do the same for the younger (while encouraging / expecting them to save?)

Why don't you give the same amount of financial support to the younger one?

You can also just say a child in full time education gets this amount of support, a child not in full time education gets that amount of support. Both sets of children get until age 25.

Speaking as the younger sibling of a child very similar to your oldest - my brother was very bright but struggled socially, and struggled to hold down any part time jobs, he got them but then lost them pretty quickly due to struggling to follow instructions, poor time keeping, becoming withdrawn under pressure - please treat them the same, or at least offer too.
My parents scrimped and took on extra jobs to send him to private school as couldn't manage in mainstream. They offered me same option which I declined, and unknown to me, as soon as he finished, they kept putting same anount aside for me and gave to me towards a house deposit.
Its so important to treat children as equal. The amount you give them may be used on different things, but needs to be the same. If oldests needs are limiting them, its important they get assessed - they may be eligible for support with finding work, for PIP payments etc.
Anything else is unfair and will likely create deep-seated resentment in your youngest.

This reminds me of my friend's parents. They left more in their will to my friend's sibling because sibling had got divorced and was single, where my friend was married. Exactly six months after the last parent died (leaving sibling two thirds, and friend one third), friend's husband died. It has been very, very difficult for her to reconcile it all. She feels her parents always favoured the sibling, and always wanted to give more to the sibling, who was happy to allow the bias to develop. Sibling relationship is civil but gradually fading to nothing.

One of my kids went away to university and needed the financial support that is expected. The other had a bursary that covered the cost of her degree at a local university, and lived at home.

Both chose their route. Are you saying that I should have given the bursary one the same amount of money that the other one needed to get her degree? That makes no sense to me.

I fully expected that our children would have different financial needs at different times, at which point we'd step in. And that's pretty much entirely how it's panned out. I've been paying a lot to help out the bursary child, fifteen years later, with childcare costs. Which the other one will never need.

Who knows what's ahead for OP 's kids. They're only in their late teens. And if the younger one is only going for low paid work, she's likely to be needing help with a roof over her head at some point. OP hasn't shown any sign that she's going to refuse to help in the future.

Is DC1s academic qualification just for the sake of it and they will spend their adult lives on benefits? If so fair enough but that sounds like they are quite seriously incapacitated.

Or do they plan to work after Uni in the sector they want, but are not prepared to get their hands dirty on the way? Obviously there are many jobs unsuitable for a person with autism such as customer facing roles but I find it hard to believe that someone who can navigate their way through Uni is literally incapable of work until qualified. On some level they are being enabled and are being unreasonable.

I'm not sure about all this "they must be treated equally or they will feel resentful." These are not 4 year olds who both want the same toy. They are adults (yes young adults) but adults all the same who are lucky they are getting any support from their parents at all. Yes it would be nice if they both got exactly the same but what if there isnt that much money to go around? You can't give what you dont have.

So the oldest child has no diagnosis of autism? I wouldn’t just go round describing them as slightly autistic when there’s been no diagnosis then and slightly autistic is not a thing.

I think if dc2 is living at home at a reduced or no rent to allow them to save then it will be probably be equal to what dc1 is getting so it’s fair. I do think you need to treat them fairly. It might be in the exact same way but it needs to be fair.

But if there is no diagnosis in this day and age then I wouldn't believe that they are autistic.

I think the focus on finances is a red herring. Effectively your younger child is the sibling of a child with significant additional needs. It's well recognised that such siblings receive less attention and grow up faster than than they could expect in a family without a disabled child (as evidenced by your child working from such a young age). The focus is on money right now because it's concrete and that's what teenagers think about. But it's probably really about having to take a back seat to your eldest throughout childhood and they're probably finding it especially difficult given that on the surface it looks like your eldest is a high achiever.

This isn't supposed to sound like I'm having a go at you btw, it's something most families with a disabled child have to face, but perhaps looking through this lens might be useful.

@letsgoglamping i think they would both describe the other as the lucky one.

@GardenGnomeDefender because at the moment they’re at home and get pocket money, everything paid, food in the fridge etc.

@PricklyPearNoThornsPlease in the region of £100-200 and lots more over the holidays when their loans run out

@Bushmillsbabe they both received the same amount of cash at 18 and will do so again at 25 when it will be a significant amount, so always equal in that respect

fwiw it’s a shame my post seems to favour my older dc. In many ways it’s my youngest who I have the admiration for.

But in this situation your youngest is the one showing the undesirable character traits of jealousy and envy, so of course you aren't going to sound especially pleased with her in these posts even though you are in general!

Isn't it a fairly standard message that you get financial support as long as you are in education (often with a caveat) and that when you aren't in education you get a job and support yourself? Why would your youngest expect you to support her as a working adult?

What does your oldest need “lots of money” for while they aren’t at university and doesn’t have a job?

I assume if they aren’t capable of getting a job, they aren’t capable of having a busy social life either (as otherwise they could cope with some kind of part-time job, surely?)

I am only asking because while it may not be unfair at the moment, I think it could easily slip into being unfair in terms of expectations etc. Do your children have equal responsibilities around the home?

How does your youngest know about oldest dc financial situation?

You shouldn't be funding holidays. He comes home, eats at home and does chores if not working.

There are a lot of options that are not the standard student jobs for someone who is at Cambridge.

Most colleges will employ students during term time in part time admin positions if they need financial support. On a lot of Cambridge courses frankly most people have limited social skills. There are also hardship funds.

Most colleges also have very low rents etc and extremely subsidised catering.

The careers service also offer guidance on internships where your child could work over the summer. Again, for many courses and for many internships a lack of social skills is acceptable if the academics are good enough,

I had shit social skills at uni and even I managed to get an internship.

@PricklyPearNoThornsPlease in my experience it’s not as simple as that. My oldest has met many families from around the world who offer holidays and opportunities for the times they’re not at uni.

if they do come home they’re in an environment where they have no friends or peers for up to 12 weeks in the summer.

if I fund it they could travel and have great life experiences and grow and make contacts. If I don’t they’re stuck in the town they hate with no friends and nothing to do, exaggerating any mh problems that are exacerbated in that environment.

it’s not simple to me, although it may be to someone not invested.

@Hankunamatata the younger has friends, support, a good life at home. They love life at home.
the older one has none of this at home, no friends, social life, nothing that makes life worth living for up to 12 weeks at a time.