WWYD- 2 very different children

[Member786488]

One very academic, studying at Cambridge, slightly autistic to the point where they struggle to find work in the holidays and rely on us financially despite our attempts to get them to get a job and fund holidays. Live on student loans the rest of the year.

the other is leaving school after A levels and will be working in a cafe or as a housemaid to make money. no desire whatsoever to go to uni. They have had a part time job since they were 12. Will live at home because they realise how expensive moving out and living independently can be.

the second child resents the financial support they see their sibling getting but don’t necessarily understand how difficult it it for their sibling to just ‘get a job.’

if we don’t support the older child they don’t eat.

any ideas?

He isn’t ICT savvy at all - can barely work a smartphone. That’s obviously a major problem with accessing many jobs.

I'd be helping the older one get a job. My mum helped me get my first job (in a shop) and I am so grateful for her. Same with DH , his parents helped him. After that it was easier for both of us

(We both fit the description of you older child. )

@letsgoglamping it’s difficult to say without knowing his education (level/ any skills), but it sounds like your brother’s problems are mainly social rather than anything else so what about something remote done over the phone? Not necessarily sales but there are loads of other things from surveys, debt collection, insurance quotes (not cold calling). Also what about back room data entry or something, maybe even working in a factory preparing orders. Or some jobs could be done completely from home like proof reading, remote IT stuff (where someone drops off a computer and you sort it out)? It might also be worth tapping into autism networks and/ or supported living type organisations as they can sometimes offer a first step on the employment ladder.

@PrueRamsay SO useful, thank you! That reference to odd flashes of brilliance enabling them to keep their job really resonates. I have no idea how my older dc will support themselves financially but I’m not spending the next 3 years worrying about it either.
I’ll look into fellowships.

Has your family played 'the game if life' board game? There you choose if you go to uni or not. Players who go to uni earn less at the beginning of the game but normally win because they go into higher earnings careers. This used to be the case in real life but student loans and maintenance loans not covering living and internet reducing white collar wageshave changed the dynamic. However if dc1 is at Cambridge he will likely have good prospects & particularly if he has a stem degree. Degree routes is important because otherwise people like dc1 would be a burden rather than an asset all through their lives. For dc2 to be an asset they need to be strategic and move into management asap

Anything that allows for mostly or entirely WFH and where the majority of interaction is asynchronous/done on chat.

Software engineering, software testing, as PP says it's a cliche but IT is still full of people with less than stellar communication skills.

What skills/knowledge/interests does he have?

This sounds very familiar

My dd is low
Support needs autistic but she still
Need support. She is also adhd so
Has
No fixed
Routines

She
Wont eat or prepare meals for herself unless it's
Clearly laid out for
Her. In this way I'm
Her Carer

She won't take her
Meds Unless I'm
Able to Sort it and Remind her.

She doesn't wash her hair as often as she should

She can go out on public transport but
Panics if something goes wrong on the journey and rings me
To trouble shoot for her.

She has high anxiety

She can work but only
If it's the right environment. No bars or restaurants cafes.
Other jobs are hard to get. She has worked on and off.

Her
Room
Is a mess unless
I Help

However she is extremely intelligent and creative and an excellent masker.

Has your dd got a diagnosis
She Could Apply For
Pip or you
For carers allowance

If they got a job at home they would start to meet people... Or even maybe some voluntary work to build their employability.

DH and I are both like your older son , and I am so glad both our parents helped us get those mundane jobs rather than pampering us. It was those jobs that taught us the skills we needed to get out high flying jobs. Academic brilliance is rarely enough on its own (even in academia) and the only way to learn those skills is to get out there.

@Member786488 why does the other sibling have no desire to go to uni as is happy working low paid jobs? Have you considered their ND too but struggles in other ways?

Myself and all of my siblings are autistic and have ADHD (diagnosed in our 30s). I was the one who excelled in academics and worked from the age of 15. My sister is incredibly social but struggles academically. My brother was put in the special needs classes at school and has never worked. He’s in his 30s and lives at home.

My brother and sister have always received a lot of emotional and financial support. My brother or sister havent spent hour after hour learning interview skills and almost killing themselves to overcoming their ADHD to climb the career ladder as no one’s there to help them . As I’ve had to work harder than all of my siblings to be in the same position I’ve always resented my parents for this and am now NC. The final nail in the coffin was when my mum explained she was leaving me out of her will as my sibling needed more help - I’m the only one with a mortgage and kids so they far fewer responsibilities than me.

If the one sibling isn’t expected to pay rent when they’re living at home you shouldn’t charge the other one. If you do you risk causing major resentment and preeminent damage to your relationship

Perhaps you could tell the second child that you're willing to put the same financial backing into their further education or training within their field, start a small business enterprise or a house deposit.

If the academic one needs that much help they should be receiving PIP.

Thanks @Heronwatcher . It’s unlikely he would be able to work remotely. Eg with the phone he’d just walk off somewhere and not answer it or he’d lose connection and start swearing, those sorts of things. His sleep is very erratic and he has massive health problems which are related to his autism as he’ll claim ordinary headaches are migraines and a bit of a cold is the flu so his attendance is always an issue.

I noticed that summer internship at uni is a popular way for kids like your older one. It doesn’t pay a lot of money but it’s a soft introduction to the world of jobs and look good on their CV later.

I would say that’s why having diagnosis often makes a real difference. Atm your younger one is not buying the concept of “slightly autistic “. I completely understand what you mean but I’m much older and have child with additional needs. No way I would get it at 20.
Also it’s often not about money (however much the actual talk is about financial support). You probably consider the younger one a perfectly self sufficient confident person and don’t pay so much attention to their real or possible problems. And they feel less loved in a way. It’s about attention again only differently than when they were toddlers.

This thread is a
Prime Example Of How many
NT still
Don't understand autism and make stupid assumptions.

I love the
Term autism With Out intellectual disability btw. Much better description.

In fact my dds should
Be Autism with high intellectual abilities but then people
Assume she is NT. you can't win.

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver why does someone need to 'win'? Why can't posters recognise that there is significant disparity in how the dc are being treated without this being complained about?

@WhereIsBebèsChambre

Oyu
Have misread
My
Thread

I'm
Talking
About asd in general in my
Post
Not the ops situation

Check a university parental contribution calculator. Are you giving the amount expected? Student loans are based on parental income and while (unfortunately) the loan letter doesn't say so, you are actually expected to contribute to your child's costs.

On the dynamic between them - I had exactly the same with my younger sibling. I'm the older autistic one who struggles with work (even now, about 20 years later). She has her own business with several employees. Definitely earns more. Somehow my sister is still jealous and bitchy, partly because my mother has let her and has done nothing to correct it. You need to nip it in the bud and have a word with her. She can go back into education if she'd like to, and you'd presumably give her the same contributions.

@Agapornis what's she jealous of? Were you fully funded through uni and got 12 weeks of paid jollies every year whilst she worked a minimum wage job and had to pay digs? Can she why there's jealousy if so!

I suppose much depends on whether whatever trip is being offered is partly hosted by the friend or their parents. So OP would presumably need to pay an air fare and give spending money but otherwise a cheap way to spend a long vac. Surely the eldest could also do a few weeks of work before the autumn especially in a seaside place with good contacts.

OP could give youngest the equivalent of the air fare and the spending money.

Definitely ways to make this feel fairer.

If by "fully funded" you mean that my parents contributed the expected parental contribution to student loan, yes they did. I'm from a country where the student loan letter says the exact amount they expect parents to pay you. My parents insisted I got a summer job (which I found difficult) and I paid for my own holidays.

I think it was jealousy of not living with my parents, and that she imagined I was out partying every night (I was not). She didn't pay rent and was fairly well paid.

@letsgoglamping

How is your brother with animals? They generally don't care if you fart.

But I note you said he my wander off so I realise he might not be able to work with animals.

Your working child is going to see it as they're working too pay you to fund their sibling. I wouldn't ask for rent off one whilst fully supporting the other when you don't need the money. Then you explain you're financially supporting them both but in ways that meets both sets of needs. Then review once eldest is out of uni

He likes them but it isn’t just the farting etc. His timekeeping is appalling and so is his attendance due to a bit of hypochondria (he rang 111 when he was here over Christmas because he’d been ‘violently sick’ then ate a load of Christmas cake!)

Well that's completely different! You worked. Op is charging money from the minimum wage dc for digs while paying for the other child to have 12 weeks of hols abroad and doesn't expect them to work!

People with autism are teachers, which is a very public facing role. I think dc1 is able to do a minimum wage job, the vast majority of the adult population are .

The autism, struggling with work, and sibling dynamic/parent's lack of intervention to improve the dynamic is similar though. Yes, the money is important, but it's probably not the only thing affecting how both siblings feel.

But I suspect my own autism is affecting how I've interpreted this compared to you :)