WWYD- 2 very different children

[Member786488]

One very academic, studying at Cambridge, slightly autistic to the point where they struggle to find work in the holidays and rely on us financially despite our attempts to get them to get a job and fund holidays. Live on student loans the rest of the year.

the other is leaving school after A levels and will be working in a cafe or as a housemaid to make money. no desire whatsoever to go to uni. They have had a part time job since they were 12. Will live at home because they realise how expensive moving out and living independently can be.

the second child resents the financial support they see their sibling getting but don’t necessarily understand how difficult it it for their sibling to just ‘get a job.’

if we don’t support the older child they don’t eat.

any ideas?

Please don't go round telling people your child is autistic when they don't have a diagnosis. They can be really hard to come by and ticking some boxes on a random list you've found doesn't quite cut it.

sibling dynamic/parent's lack of intervention to improve the dynamic

There’s only so much parents can do to improve sibling dynamics, particularly once everyone is an adult - and that is the case whether autism is involved or not.

They can try not to worsen the situation by treating the siblings unfairly, though. It sounds like @Agapornis’s parents treated the siblings much more fairly in terms of help / expectations than OP is doing.

And how does this answer the OP’s question?

This thread is not about you. What you and other posters think about autism is totally irrelevant to the OP. Please do not derail.

OP, I totally understand your dilemma, but it does seem unfair from the younger sibling’s perspective.

I would reassure your youngest that a similar amount of money can be made available for them when there is something they truly want and need.

For example, my parents have supported me and my sister differently, but roughly equally.

To date, I had help with: support with funding postgraduate study, contribution towards holiday, first car, house deposit.

My sister has had help by: living at home rent free for 2 years, first car, larger house deposit.

Treating them fairly means giving them the same opportunities, therefore I don't think it's wrong that you are financially supporting one whilst the other is able to support themselves. All children are different, I certainly don't parent mine all the same but we support them to be able to have similar opportunities.

Maybe speak with the youngest and explain this to them.

Just to expand on my last post. If one of my kids are going shopping with a friend, I will give them £20. I don't give the other 3 £20 then ( I would be completely broke). But if one of the others are going out a week later, then I will give them the same amount their sibling had the week before.

So explain to your youngest that whilst the older one needs support you are there to support , and when the youngest needs support , you will be there to support .

If the older one is unable to work isn’t a Cambridge education a horrible waste of money?

I'm sorry but you are moddy coddling your eldest. You consider him 'slightly' autistic, but despite having the funds to pay for him during uni breaks including his travel to see friends - you have not paid for him to have an autism assessment. He has enough social skills to apparently travel during the uni breaks and stay with other people / meet people which is why you think its a worth while investment.....but his 'slightly' autistic self can not work to support himself.

This is utter bollocks and no wonder your daughter is upset. You are building a wedge between yourself and your daughter and herself and her sibling.

If you don't give your head a wobble your daughter will likely cut you off one day and for good reason.

This

@Member786488 sorry, but rod for your own back comes to mind with dc1!! dc1 will also end up being entitled and expecting everything from you and that is just not fair on dc2!

he does not have an autism diagnosis.
We have a lot of diagnoses autism in my family, and someone correct me if I am wrong....but I don't ever recall that lying such as saying a headache is a migraine is an autistic trait.

But op isn't giving them the same opportunities? The parents aren't funding several months long holidays abroad for dc2 are they?

Two things to think about, just because number two isn't going to university now, it doesn't mean they won't choose to go later, you could even remind them of that yourself, and secondly a good option if they are working full time is to collect 1/3 of their wages in "rent" but put into a savings account for the future for them. Once dc1 graduates they will need to either work or be formally diagnosed as unable to work and claim benefits

@mitogoshi " a good option if they are working full time is to collect 1/3 of their wages in "rent" but put into a savings account for the future for them."

Please don't do this-it's so patronising and infantilising.

I think you should support them equally as much as possible. IE you can give the elder one more support with day to day expenses if absolutely necessary but avoid funding holidays for one and not the other. You either have to give both money for fun or neither.

Also surely there are plenty of part jobs that aren’t in a hectic/people heavy environment that might suit a Cambridge undergraduate? How about 1-1 online tutoring for example? What’s sort of profession does he hope to have after graduating?

Thank you for all the considered comments.

for clarification, dc2 has no desire to go to uni because there’s nothing they are interested enough in to warrant the costs in their opinion. Does the world really need yet more humanities graduates who simply want the uni experience with no real interest in a subject?
I have tried to encourage them to consider numerous options but they’re determined they want to work and probably travel.

that then will be an opportunity for us to fund. In fact they’re going away later this year with their dad to do some ‘proper’ travelling in Asia to see parts of the world they’d be (and we’d be) more nervous about them visiting with their peers as young people.

I think I will start to put some small amounts aside in preparation for this, or whatever they choose to do with it. I can see that despite my best intentions, charging them would probably be counter productive.

I’ve always tried to treat them both fairly, rather than equally. They both have their skill sets and are lovely young people. I’m very proud of them both and make sure they know it.

If your oldest can do a degree at Cambridge then he can figure out how to finance his own life without playing his mother with an autism self ID and guilt trips.

I would be more worried about your youngest who has taken A levels and has no career aspirations whatsoever. Not wanting to do a degree is fine but surely there are apprenticeships or alternative training programmes she can look into?

Presuming you pay towards your oldest child's uni and would have to do the same for the youngest if he/she had decided to go, why don't you save an equal amount for the youngest child, either to be given as a deposit later or to be used if they change their mind and want to go to university later. Discuss this with them.
The youngest should then pay you 'keep' from their wages during term time and have a respite from paying during the holidays same as the eldest or pay a lower weekly/monthly amount throughout the year to balance it out if they prefer.
If the older child comes back home after uni and doesn't get a job then it looks like you will have to support 2 kids in the interest of fairness!

Sorry cross posted with OP.

It’s really only the “fun” money that it sounds like you need to even up following your last update. You’re supporting both of them with living costs - your oldest by giving them money, your youngest by allowing them to live with you rent-free.

Just make sure that you treat them the same with respect to discretionary spending, not paying £££ to send your oldest travelling while only putting £ away for your youngest.

Totally agree (and I was like the older child)!

Yes it is a cliche. I have worked in large IT departments for 35 years, I have never met anyone who farts, belches, sneezes all over people, talks loudly and in a monotone, hopeless with anything practical.

I wish my parents had done this for me though

(But I am at least glad they helped me get a job rather than babying me and deciding I wasn't capable of a job just because I was probably autistic)

Maybe it’s more tolerated in smaller IT departments? Our current IT department aren’t anything like that (although I’d say social skills are still a bit of an issue for some), but the smaller companies I’ve worked in have definitely had people who lived up (down?) to that cliche.

I would position it that you see your obligation to support your kids until they finish education.
Fwiw, my daughters were similar, one off to uni, the other wasn't going.
In time things get evened out. And the offer to pay for higher education/professional exams remains for the youngest