To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

[Trainersbythetruckload]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

This country is absolutely wild. Someone is being given £1400 a MONTH to sit on their backside ordering art supplies, gaming and looking at foreign holidays. Meanwhile her own mother is panicking whether she can afford the next food shop and there’s young families out there working full time , paying tax who can barely afford to save £1 a month?!?
It’s actual insanity.

Yea it's completely ridiculous. Op does need to nip it in the bud though, she does have control over that.

I am pregnant unplanned. I am very stressed about this. My husband live in Ukfor long time but my visa will finish. I don’t know what I will do this baby alone. I am feeling I m week. Please help me give advise

Yeah sorry but I do have to agree with this! OP you do need to take control here it’s really not on.

@Northiek you need to put your own question.

Follow this link and then click on the blue start new thread icon at the top.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/legal_matters

If you suspect her friend is also ND they genuinely may not have realised they should be contributing something/bringing their own. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt (for now) and have an honest conversation with them.

"We like having you visit but with cost of living I'm struggling to afford food, electric etc. if you want to keep visiting regularly I'll need you to contribute X amount per night or I can't afford it".

If they are fine with this it's all good, if not you will know they are just a scrounger!

Agree. It would still be a sweet deal for her, especially if you do her washing, etc.

1,400 was my take-home pay in the first job I had in London. It's actually crazy.

Agreed. My friend has the same journey to see me and doesn't need to stay

She could volunteer for up to an hour a week. That’s what DN did. She had CFS and quite bad depression, but getting out helped her get through it (as well as antidepressants). Clearly your DD has to pace herself, but if she’s well enough to game and chat and plan holidays, she’s well enough to do a little more. With DN’s volunteering, they were aware of the situation and knew that sometimes she’d be unable to come in. It was hard for her at first but then she gradually seemed to blossom a little.

You say you have your own health problems. Don’t let guilt about that make you too soft with your DD and sponger friend. In a way, he’s taking advantage of you too. Don’t let him.

If your DD has £12k spare a year, she doesn’t need her friend’s parents to pay for her holiday. Don’t leave it up to your DD to say, speak to the parents and say that DD can contribute X amount towards the holiday.

What’s she doing with all that money? Do you know that she’s not ‘lending’ it to sponger friend? I think you need a long talk with her. If she’s so lacking in life skills, maybe she’d agree to you or someone else managing her money. She should be using all that spare money to recompense you for her home/food/electric/gas/water/broadband/general care, and she should be using it to get better, eg paying for private counselling, studying online, etc.

Charge her a proper rent (what she’d pay for a room privately), a proper share of the food and bills.

So sorry lovely, I think you’re better off starting your own post about this. I don’t know if you realised you commented on another thread. Wishing you all the best

It's such a broken system. People who are suffering with their mental health work, struggle, put in huge hours and maybe have £5 a week left to spend on themselves - Whereas one can sit on one's arse and be paid to do nothing but go on holiday and buy nice things.. Unreal.

@Dollmeup see the OP’a second post.

I did say something about it to DD a while ago and for the next few times he came, he turned up with at least some food for himself, but that seems to have fallen by the wayside.

So by your advice (and I agree with you 😉) it’s already been established that he’s a scrounger.

I am sorry but if your daughter is asleep so much then her friend needs to leave. It is outrageous that he is helping himself to food in the fridge. New rules: friend can only be there when your daughter is awake. Tough luck if neither of them like it.

Ask him to contribute to the bills? If he’s there 5 days a week he basically lives there!

just say something along the lines of, ‘’Hi X, I’m really struggling for money as you can appreciate everything has increased. I know DD loves having you here so I don’t mind you staying, but do you mind contributing to food bills if you plan to stay and eat here as usual?’’

Polite and to the point! If he or your DD take issue then you can just say he will have to visit or stay less in that case as you can’t afford to keep him.

You’re being mugged off by your daughter and the boyfriend. £1000 a month disposable for sitting about?! Wake up OP

I am speechless that a 20yr old who lives at home is given 14/1500 a month , folk working don’t even earn that . there will be many more in the same position. this country needs to get benefits sorted out , workers should always take home more than anyone on benefits

She has disabilities and limited capability to work. Not as if she’s just avoiding it. Would you like to swap with her? I know it’s not the point of the thread but I’m always agog at people envious of disabled people 😂

agree.
My daughter was similar, she had UC LCWRA. she had chronic fatigue alongside her health issues and ASD. She WANTED to work, to go out, to go to college, to do what all her friends were doing, not to be crippled by bad health, exhaustion and anxiety. She tried - she used her money to pay for cabs, because she also had unstable reactive hypoglycaemia, so was scared of passing out on public transport and how vulnerable that made her.
Im sure, even now when the fatigue has been rectifed somewhat (it still comes and goes, but she isnt in bed for days like she was, and like it sounds as if OPs daughter is) she would rather have been skint and able to do what her peers did, than get an extra UC payment as they deemed her unfit for work.
People seem to be thinking that she is just kicking back as an able bodied young person, raking it in without a care in the world.

Yeah this.

This is very unfair to you.

You are using your meagre resources to subsidise your daughter who has more disposable income than any 20 year old I know.

I guess I’m passive because I am struggling with my own health and life, and have feelings of guilt over not being able to support DD to do more stuff out of the house, so when her friend visits it’s something that makes her happy and entertains her.
OP - a suggestion to help you deal with the above guilt would be that your DD uses some of the PIP payments to fund a regular PA to do activities outside of the home. This would give you some respite & give her alternative social interaction other than the friend visiting. If she is hesitant about spending the money you may need to explain that she receives higher rate PIP because she was assesses as having a support need & this is the kind of support it is meant for in her case. Given her level of PIP you need not be her only carer.

She seems to have a pretty cushy life- hence the number of people saying it's not right that people who work hard {despite having mental health issues and physical issues} don't have £1,000 of disposable income to play with.

But even if she worked she would be entitled to PIP anyway which is where most of that money will be coming from. She needs to pay more into the household as an adult, yes, but she has extra needs. Besides which, she did not choose her disability so why should she not be able to have enough money to be comfortable?

Punching down is all too common but it’s a really ugly trait. I doubt she has a cushy life when she can’t live a normal one through no fault of her own.

As I disabled person myself, I’d give every penny back if it meant I could have a normal life. Cushy life, my arse. You have no clue.

I’m also guessing she may not live at home forever and in that case when she has extra rent and bills and maybe needs to hire a cleaner then she most definitely will not be ‘cushy’

All the more reason for her to learn some life skills to build her capability and confidence where she can so she can have more freedom and indepence

OP, what is the plan for when you are too old to care for your daughter?

If she can't cook, wash her own clothes etc. if she's managing to fritter away this much money then it doesn't sound like she has good money management skills.

Could she access some support to learn to budget?

She won't have you forever. Even if you don't want to charge her more board, you could encourage her to save for her future, when she might have less support than she does now.