To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

[Trainersbythetruckload]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

As you say she orders art supplies, is there any possible path this interest could be turned into volunteering or further education, or teaching her art to others (like a drawing course)? Depending on the type of skills and branch of art, it could also be something that is compatible with WFH and unusual time patterns.

Naught wrong with feeding the lad if he’s none too happy at home, just ask his mam for a few quid each week or to send him with plenty of the food he likes.

Maybe she can’t have more independence if she’s mentally younger than her years and sleeps for hours a day due to her health problems. Christ almighty. She clearly has care needs. It’s not her fault OP is taking so little money off her. OP said she has no understanding of money and yet you think she should have more freedom and independence? You don’t know her well enough from one bloody post!

I think she should be given the opportunity to understand more, yes.

Consensus on here is usually that by 13 kids should be able to help with plenty of chores, so it's not unreasonable to anticipate that a 20 year old who has enough agency to have a boyfriend stay over could do the same.

You seem to have me pegged as someone who doesn't believe in disability benefits. That's not the case.

I don’t have you pegged as anything, as I don’t know you well enough to make blanket judgements based on one post. Her friend is not her boyfriend, so you’re the one making generalisations about things when you don’t know enough. If there’s a lesson in any of this, it’s not to judge people’s circumstances based on one snippet post. Just because other people feel hard done by and miserable in their own lives it is not, and never has been, the fault of the disabled.

I think more than 50 a week, he is practically living there!

I would ask for 70 a week.

This kid is taking the piss!

If her friend is visiting your home, staying regularly and being fed regularly as your daughter's guest, then she needs to contribute to that. Beyond her own keep. It is a further household expense, think of it as the price of entertaining and social life expenses. An extra £100 - £120 a month from her solves this issue, or he does not visit or stay over except rarely and with your prior agreement.

Do you involve her in meal planning and shopping in general? Do you take her food shopping with you most times? It’s an important life skill and will help her budgeting in the future; should also give her an idea how much things add up to. You can play the ‘guess how much the shop adds up to’ game while you wait in a queue; it’ll make her think.

The 5 night days are a bit much! Agree with setting 2 nights limit.

I would have a sit down chat with this free loader and explain in plain terms that you cannot afford to be his restaurant of choice. If he wishes to stay for more than a night then he must contribute to the food costs for the week, or make it clear that he is not free to help himself when visiting.

What the … she has a grand a month to spend as she likes, I’m sorry op but I’m 63 work seven days a week and have half that , by the time I’ve paid my taxes and bills that’s it !!
she needs to pay you loads more money
my daughter works full time with mental huge
mental health issues and can’t afford food etc
som is seriously wrong with this situation
sorry but it’s bonkers

Seriously - Your stay-at-home daughter, who does not work, has 1K a month to spend as she pleases?????? From tax payers????

Why are we giving her 1K a month to do nothing????

Do not think of coming to me for sympathy. You have an available £1000 every month swishing around your house, for your daughter's friend, who gives her so much value.

And she can't bleeding pay his food bill????

Your family is seriously taking the piss out of tax payers.

Do you think that all disabled people who cannot work and must live with someone as they cannot take care of themselves, should
not have money of their own? Because that’s this. She has been deemed unfit to work (and that is hard to get so isn’t made up). Should disabled people who need care not have money of their own?

She should be paying a lot more towards her keep; no idea why OP takes so little. She should pay more. But… disabled people should also be allowed money of their own, and isn’t it wonderful that we live in a society which provides that. Despite the amount actually being shockingly low for most disabled people.

She is fucking DISABLED for Christ’s sake! Imagine being jealous of someone with care needs who cannot live a full normal life just because you don’t get paid enough at your job 😂😂😂😂. She has that spare money because her mother is not charging her enough for the care she provides her, not her problem. If she ever does manage to get her own place then she certainly will not have a lot of money, will she? You expect someone who is disabled with life long conditions to not be able to live in comfort? Jesus Christ. People can’t think past their own damn noses. I’m sure she would be happy to let you swap places with her if she could.

Your daughter should just be contributing more! 1000 a month disposable income is pretty unheard of for anyone surely?!

Yet she manages to buy clothes and art supplies with no problem and plan going on holiday.

Your DD and her friend are taking the piss and you're not helping her to become a functioning adult.

She doesn't sound lovely she sounds like a lazy user

She Haa ASD not physically disabled

@K83atie83

What difference does that make? Seriously… what difference? All sorts of conditions aren’t a physical disability but the person will never be able to live independently, will need care and will never be able to work.

Do you think they shouldn’t have access to their own money? And let’s be clear, it isn’t enough to run their own home. Disabled people who do are living on the homes of their arse in poverty.

So is she not allowed to go shopping (accompanied, I hasten to add) to choose her own clothes now then? Or on holiday (accompanied) at all? Or enjoy her art hobby? Nope, OP, your daughter isn’t allowed any enjoyment out of life whatsoever, she’s not entitled to any of it unless she’s sat rocking in a corner all day every day and literally can do absolutely fuck all for herself because the tax payers don’t like it, but are stupid enough to sit placing blame on the less fortune while voting in over privileged Tory governments who keep pissing tax payer’s money up the wall to make themselves even more rich 😂

She has CFS as well and is mentally younger than her age.

@K83atie83 she has ASD, mental health issues AND CFS.

Wanna swap?

It's nice of you to allow him to stay for as long as he does! It's very cheeky of him to eat all ur food tho!
Does he do his own laundry when he stays with you for 5 days?
Driving both him and ur daughter to the shops, he will make sure she pays for it! When someone comes round that often, they need to contribute otherwise it's taking the mick.

You mentioned he leaves when there's no food left, clearly using ur daughters friendship for food

How do you know I don't?

Many people with the same or similar issues manage to be a functioning member of society. Myself being one of them.

She needs help and support to enable this. Not a parent who will never let her grow up or flourish in the future. Potential talent being wasted.

Her daughter is taking the piss. I could never see my parent struggle knowing I had money to help.

illnesses and disabilities effect everyone differently, just because you can do something it doesn’t mean everybody else can. You’re obviously quite ignorant as OP has said her daughter doesn’t understand money, therefore OP needs to speak up and tell her and her friend that she needs extra.

I’m physically disabled but reasonably intelligent, but I suffer a lot of pain and need a cleaner etc, so I do get extra money for that.

I have volunteered, I have a degree, but even I find it hard to work as I get tired very easy and I’m very unorganised etc and in spite of the disability equality act, people don’t want to employ me. The reason I’m telling you this is because although this thread isn’t about me, you should learn to stop judging everyone’s situation based on your life and your expections, especially someone you only know by a mumsnet thread. We’re not all scrounging losers 🤣

I aware not everyone is a scrounging loser.

Her daughter needs the correct help and support to help her.

I'm not ignorant thank you.

Her mum is neither helping her or supporting her by not teaching her things or finding support that will help her lead a somewhat normal life.

Just because someone is physically or mentally disabled does not mean that they should be written off completely. That's disgusting and completely unacceptable in modern society.

I'm sorry you struggle to find employment. This is unacceptable and I would urge you to search for disability confident employees and take a look at even break jobs website which is jobs especially for the disabled. X