To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

[Trainersbythetruckload]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

To answer a few questions, no they are 100% not sleeping together, DD I think could be best described as asexual, she’s never even kissed a boy. And her friend is biologically a boy but identifies as a girl 🤦‍♀️. But sadly wearing girls clothes doesn’t change the fact that he very much has the appetite of a man. I would put money on the fact that he is also on the spectrum, although he isn’t diagnosed. He does some occasional part time work but is at college full time, which is coming to an end hence him appearing more often.

I did wonder if he was also on the spectrum. Op I get it as a sen parent myself you want her to have a friend but he is taking the mick surely he must get money himself?

I will never understand the benefit system.

The papers are full of genuine stories of people turning to food banks where the benefit system is a disgrace - substandard dangerous housing and not enough money to feed your children.

Then you get a 20yo living at home being given £1400 a month pocket money by the taxpayer / state, to save towards a foreign holiday.

Right, then you need to spell it out clearly to him that food doesn’t just magically appear in the fridge and cupboards, and that you can’t afford to keep feeding him like this. TBH, he doesn’t sound a great friend for your DD anyway.

However, there are two separate things going on - your DD’s lack of financial understanding and contribution; and this sponger friend taking advantage of you and your DD, whether knowingly or unknowingly.

Your DD shouldn’t have £1k a month to piss up the wall on art supplies and trivia. Charge her more for rent. I’d also question why she’s getting so much money if she’s able to plan a holiday abroad with a friend. Is she actually unable to function as an adult or has she got used to being indulged? I ask because a friend has a DD who’s slightly older than yours who apparently can’t work, but her reasons for not being able to work are facile and commonplace. Don’t enable your DD to be a passive victim. Can she not rent a room? Go to college herself? Volunteer?

Why don't you just sit them both down and explain your situation to them...tell him he is very welcome but financially you can't afford to subsidise his food.

This is so true @Testina .

I've got a child in my class whose family are in absolute dire straits as well as many who are living in poverty. I'm always letting them in the water tray with no apron so they get wet and we can send home a bigger uniform from our supplies. And we do things like leave our fruit bowl outside at home time.

Well as I said - it’s not sustainable (and I also said in various posts upthread it’s not enough under the circumstances),

Just to clarify - I was just correcting the inaccurate statement that she pays 100 per month when it’s 400 pcm . That’s all!

Yes. Whatever is said/ thought. Baby to look after in future I’d guess.

That’s such a lovely thing to do 🥹

OP you are being way to soft here and potentially leaving your DD open to being exploited. You need to address the fact that essentially the friend can't just stay in your home for long periods without contributing to your costs. Your DD should absolutely not have to fund this from benefits paid by taxpayers money. If your DD can plan trips, train journeys and shopping for her own things she can also take on board how much things cost and work out a fair contribution to your household living expenses.

Coming back to this. OP, I've a teen dd who until recently was at home FT. NT, but also had friends over often. I didn't have these issues around food but some piss taking occasionally where I then had to sit them down and tell them so. Not just dd either, the friends too. It is ok to do so when they are in your home.

Aside from the fact that your dd is more capable than I believe you are accounting for, you need to tell her and her friend. They are adults now so talk to them as adults.

Op you're accepting this because it's your dd only friend. That is not a reason to turn a blind eye to something. He's an adult and I'm certain he is fully aware of what he's doing. Sounds like he is taking advantage of her and you. And why on earth can't you charge your dd more. 1k is a large amount for an adult to have left over each month.

Hmm, whether he identifies as a man or woman he still is capable of getting her pregnant. I know people can have platonic friendships, but if he’s walking over one lot of boundaries he will walk over another. Whatever, he’s a cheeky twat and they are both taking advantage of your good nature. Time for tough talk.

Why aren’t you telling them you can’t afford to feed him? Sorry, OP, but they will keep eating you out of house and home unless you pipe up.

Re the holiday - her friend (not sponger friend) is from a family much wealthier than we are, and her family very generously said that they would buy the plane tickets for the two girls to visit a country they are both very interested in going to. Her friend is a lot more capable/able than DD is, so they would probably manage abroad with the friend steering the ship and doing the planning. That said, they were going to go in September and so far haven’t booked anything yet, so whether or not it ever happens remains to be seen.

I sorted out some volunteering work for DD last year, she was meant to be doing 2 one hour shifts every week, but she often couldn’t manage even an hour and they’d send her home after half an hour. And then she had a bad episode with her mental health and stopped going completely.

Yes her friend does just help himself to food. DD is asleep for about 18 hours a day (CFS), so he’d have a small window to eat if he was waiting for her to wake up. And I’m certainly not cooking for him 🤣

And yes, I am beyond certain there is nothing sexual between them. DD is asexual, her friend is in to boys as far as I can tell, and also our house is very small and I’m home pretty much all the time so I’d be aware if they were at it.

It's interesting OP how you are ignoring all the comments about the excessively high benefits your daughter receives, so I'm going to ask you a direct question. How is it that she gets £1400 a month in benefits when she's able to go abroad with her friend and doesn't require mobility aids, carers etc?

Her trans friend is taking advantage of her I'm afraid and he doesn't sound like a healthy influence.

@Username947531 I am not the benefits decision maker so I’m not really sure how you want me to answer that. I filled in the forms honestly and sent all the evidence, including her EHCP, and that’s what they awarded her. She has never been abroad without me, there is a loose plan but as I said it remains to be seen whether or not that will happen, and if it does it will only be because her friend/her friend’s parents do all the planning and support DD while she is there. She is in her bedroom around 95% of her life. I am her carer.

Who is going to be her carer on holiday?

This thread is nuts! DD's disposable income has been quoted at anything from £900 to £1400 per month. We don't actually know what the correct figure is and quite frankly, it is none of our business.

PIP is difficult to claim. If this young woman has been awarded it, she must have satisfied the criteria. Qualifying for full PIP is nothing to be envious of. In any case, why can't the disabled have/do nice things? It's true that she needs to start paying for the extra food but why is she being begrudged the excess?

@Idontjetwashthefucker her friend that she is going with, who is a lot more capable and is at university. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have reservations about her going, but at the same time I want to encourage her to be more independent. Her friend is a very sensible, lovely girl.

Tbh I would be amazed if it’s that much. My son gets PIP and UC and it works out around £900 a month. I manage this for him as he can’t and £450 goes towards a personal assistant to help him with day to day stuff.

She gets UC including LCWRA.
Enhanced PIP for both elements.
I don’t have the exact figures without looking it up but it is around £1400 a month.

Well......if it's not that much why does the OP say it is?

She has literally said £400 a month to her leaves DD with £1000.

So your daughter has an extra 1k a month and you're barely scraping by? Nooo- she needs to provide for her friend. She needs to do the food shop, cooking and cleaning for her guest!

It is £1400 a month, high rate pip and high UC. I know this because my son receives it......his goes on his extra costs because he has to pay for carers to go out etc. Keeping him engaged and stimulated takes up a huge chunk, oh and the day service he's hopefully going to start attending soon will cost him £50 a day.

I manage it because obviously he can't.

As I said those rates are for the most severely disabled with high care needs and associated costs.......which is why I think the OP is treading on very shaky ground with this one. 🤔