To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

[Trainersbythetruckload]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

@Jellyx if she was capable of cooking, cleaning and managing her own shopping she wouldn’t be on high rate PIP. But yes, I could certainly drop the pair of them at the supermarket at the start of his next stay and tell them they need to sort food out for his visit, between them they could manage that. Although it would be DD paying for it, not him.

To answer your OP, you are not being a bitch but you are being a massive mug. I don't understand why you are bankrolling your daughter and her friend.

I'd start charging her a lot more than you are doing. That's what her money is for. She is being given the benefits as though she is an adult but you are treating her as a child. It sounds like she is t going to be moving out anytime soon .

Are you going to speak to her friend. They sound like a bike sponger. The fact you've mentioned the food before and they are still taking food shows what their character is like.

Is there a reason you are being so passive?

The fact she is so ill doesn't mean you need to treat her as a child.

If she is up for a holiday then she can sort her food out.

Her friend can help her with the food shop. She's capable of keeping a friend entertained for 5days - what do they do? I'm assuming she can use her hands? They can online order food? Even order their own takeaways

@QuickFinish I guess I’m passive because I am struggling with my own health and life, and have feelings of guilt over not being able to support DD to do more stuff out of the house, so when her friend visits it’s something that makes her happy and entertains her.

@Jellyx when he’s here they mostly stay in her room, chatting and gaming. But if she’s asleep and he’s awake, such as right now, he’ll either be parked on the sofa downstairs or sometimes he takes himself out for a walk. The only takeaway option in our town is a Chinese, and it’s not the nicest Chinese.

This is rooted in ignorance.

Do you think you could talk to them both and say “we love having you here but we can’t afford to feed you, when you come, could you contribute towards the food shopping please?”. I’d never normally ask a visitor for money but if he frequently comes and stays for days it’s reasonable to ask for a contribution.

I think when he leaves this time I will
have an honest chat with DD about it all. Regardless of how often her friend does or doesn’t stay, I don’t think I am charging her enough. The cost of everything has gone up a lot since she came off my claim and started claiming UC, so I think an extra £50 per week would be fair. And I will suggest to her that if her friend is planning on staying for a few days either he reverts to bringing at least some food for herself, or I will take them to the shops to get stuff for themselves.

I've read all your posts and I'm slightly concerned that your DD is being taken advantage of. Now, I may well be wrong, and her friend may actually be just as vulnerable as her...but that doesn't mean he can't also be a bit of a wrong 'un. If she's asleep all the time, what the feck is he DOING? Sitting admiring the Sleeping Beauty? Do you check her devices regularly? I know she is legally an adult, but she is very vulnerable and I think it would be wise to know who she is talking to online and what she is talking about. Two very vulnerable young people, with a decent income and limited street smarts, are at risk of exploitation in multiple ways.

I would start by saying to DD that she needs to up her financial contribution by at least 50% as of now. You can also drive them to the supermarket to do their own little shop, which will be a supported introduction to shopping and cooking for DD.

Agreed OP, it is awful that you have to worry and struggle like this unnecessarily. Let your DD know that next time the friend stays you will be taking them to do a shop so friend can provide their own food.You will need to oversee that DD is not paying for the friends share. It will help your DD to be more independent, plan and shop for meals and to be more aware of managing her money.

I would ask his him to ask his parents for a contribution, whether they were using to feed him the days he’s with you can be given to you, and your daughter can cover the rest.

I would be extremely wary of teaching her to “buy” friends.

I would be just as conscientious about teaching her the value of helping those less fortunate and feeding the hungry.

You sound like a lovely mum!

Coupe of things
Why is he staying ?
Hour or not.
He comes vists then goes home
You also Don't feed him if your budget is tight.
Maybe he's unhappy at home because his mum had reduced his food intake so comes and eats your food instead
Seems rude abd entitled in a lot of respects.
It's your food
Your home
He's a guest.
A bad one
Tell him to keep his mits off

Yep
Agree
After your update seeing you'd mentioned this , he basically ignored you.
Stop feeling him - see how often he visits then.
You must not let dd be that desperate for friends.

I would suggest a weekly food budget for them and encourage them to Google healthy inexpensive easy to prepare meals.
I might start them off by sending a link to one that I know contains Ingredients they both love. Maybe even give them a quick demonstration personally (great family memories being made).
Make it a fun challenge! Perhaps with a prize for the first effort, you want to set a scene of something enjoyable rather than a restriction. Reframe the whole thing.

Hey, presto… they will be on the way to learning to budget and prepare simple meals. They may need a hand being topped up a little the first weeks, but it takes time to learn things.

“I want to encourage her to be more independent” but you’re not doing this by doing everything around the house for her (as per your pp) and failing to teach her how much things cost - ie explaining the extra costs of her friend always being at your house and that you can’t afford to carry that cost.

This stands out for me. She has more disposable income than you. She needs to pay more towards her keep - simples. PiP and UC are to cover living expenses; I doubt £100 per week is covering them.

I agree with the concerns that she might be used but not fully understanding this.

ASD can often mean not realizing in time that people don't always have only good intentions / are not selfish.

Especially as she is sleeping a lot of the time, that would be the cue for him to go home.
It does not even have to be one or the other situation, he might well be a good friend to her and have a problematic home life, but that does not mean he might be looking out for himself, too.
As she does not go out much, it is probably nice for your daughter that the friend visits her and she does not need to go elsewhere to socialize. She might fear if you curb the food then he won't visit as much.
They can still stay in contact via calls/text/video.

The "test" of whether this is a true friend might come when he is asked to contribute or socialize in a different way. If he is only her friend for the convenient home life at your place, then he wasn't really a friend, then this could be an insight that hurts.

She is asleep. Tell him it’s time to go home. Especially as you don’t have anymore money for food and you said this shop was quite lean so you don’t even have much in the house.

You're a grown woman. It’s your house. Tell him to go home.

What nonsense is this?!
Why would it be her paying?
You are infuriatingly passive about this!

As for her not being capable of shopping.. fair enough if that’s not physically able because of CFS. But if she’s capable of deciding what art supplies she needs and ordering those, then she’s capable of planning food and ordering that online too. It sounds like she could be more independent than you expect from her.

I know you can't 'will away' disabilities but by making everything so easy for her then it's not going to help her try to do things for herself. The teen years and early 20's is an age where you have to reset your relationship with your child from mother and child to mother and ADULT child. I understand it's complicated your daughter's disabilities but you aren't doing her any favours by mollycoddling her.

It sounds like you are too nervous to do anything that might rock the boat and that isn't good for anyone.

By the way, if one of my adult kids friends was hanging around like your daughters friend I'd have given them chores to do 😅. I'm not kidding!

So your daughter who receives 1400K per month of tax payers cash in pocket money, is also accepting free holiday flights?

That's true, the other wealthy family probably only offered the free flights because they thought the OPs daughter was skint. 🫤

Bloody hell. I'm almost speechless.

You are struggling and your DD has a spare £1k a month ?

You are NOT teaching her anything at all about how much it costs to live.

I can't even articulate how fucked up your story is

You have nothing better to do than begrudge a holiday to a disabled housebound young woman? Ghastly.