To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

[Trainersbythetruckload]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

@K83atie83 and many people with disabilities have climbed mount Everest. What are you waiting for?

But the bit where you said ‘Her daughter is taking the piss. I could never see my parent struggle knowing I had money to help’ If she has learning difficulties such that she has no concept of money, maybe this just doesn’t really occur to her. Her mum needs to speak up, doesn’t she? It’s not her fault. She has so much money because she lives at home and needs care, not because she’s taking the piss.

Agree with this. My DS has ASD and ADHD, we aren't doing them any favours by doing everything for them - they really can do an awful lot with support (if you think she's capable of going on holiday then she's not completely reliant, I'm assuming).

Please do try to encourage her to budget, cook, meal plan etc. She and her friend might actually enjoy this and get pleasure out of cooking together. Even if they don't - she/they need to start to learn! What if you aren't about in later years? You might be surprised at how capable she could be if you encouraged her and taught her - and then you can all do meal prep etc together?

Maybe budgeting would be hard but if so you need to give her set figures - e.g. when friend is here he costs us an extra £15 a day, so you or he needs to provide that.

And don't let friend help himself. Plan meals (with them,) but snacks and interim cooking is off limits. He needs to bring his own nibbles!

Where does he sleep?

Hi op , yes her friend should be paying his fair share towards the household bills .
You also need to encourage your DD to use her PIP money to improve her life skills. Maybe she could pay her friend to teach her how to go shopping, cook , do her own washing, start to live as independently as she can . To me her PIP payment is to help towards her living independently and you need to help her look into how she can achieve this .

I'd be pretty concerned that your DD is learning that she can live very comfortably on benefits alone and have plenty of disposable income.

Meanwhile in real life this is almost never the case. You don't want her developing a lifestyle and spending habits that are totally unsustainable if/when you aren't around to subsidise her. Is she likely to ever manage a job?

Next time he appears in the kitchen wanting food joke & say 'WOW you're eating me out of house & home & costing me a fortune' See what his reaction is & go from there. If things don't change then have a word with your Daughter about it & ask her to contribute more towards the food shop or to start buying food just for them for when he's there. You could suggest to her that she asks him to either bring food with him or chip in towards your food shop.

The friend sounds neurodiverse, so might just be missing the issue.

Say really plainly- you're very welcome here but feeding an extra adult is expensive. I would like you to contribute to the food shop or bring your own meals and snacks with you. Let me know what you would prefer,

Rubbish, she is taking advantage of her mother.
How many working people have that much money to spend on themselves?