To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

[Trainersbythetruckload]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

I think this is a great idea! My friend had to do that with her long term partner. He doesn’t live with her but spends most nights at her flat and yet wasn’t contributing to food. So she basically said from
now on let’s drive to Asda every Sunday and we’ll get what we need for the week!

Re. Your daughters friend - Poor kid (and yeah I know he’s actually an adult! ) he is showing a lack of consideration and manners for sure, but I wonder if some of it is also comfort eating - which of course doesn’t excuse what he is doing. But his home life doesn’t sound great so I think he sees your home as a place of food. friendship and relative peace.

@B2wasthebetterbanana she’s got a good deal really! I do all the laundry, she doesn’t really do anything around the house, so £100 a week for bills/food/cleaning/laundry is pretty good. But in reality she doesn’t cost me any more than that…when it’s just her. I think I need to sit down and work out exactly how much I’m spending on everything, I haven’t done that for a while.

Get her to start doing things around the house. If you do everything for her, she'll never learn to be independent.

Why is your daughter only paying you 100 quid a month? What a piss take.

She's an adult woman with 900 disposable income which is way more than most in this country have. She doesn't sound all that sweet to me. How can you be buying yourself clothes while your mother is broke? That's 25 quid a week she is paying you for a house, bills and food.

I'd be telling your daughter you need 300 quid a montj from her and I'd be asking the boy for 100 quid a month/other option is your daughter pays 400 quid a month. They can sort it out themselves

WTF? You do her laundry and cleaning?

And you think she's a good deal? Deluded

But maybe this could be the bridge to help her start getting a stronger understanding of money. You could have set things included in the £100- 40% for rent, 10% council tax, gas, electricity, insurance etc.
You can put it as increases in electricity/ gas useage from another person means an extra £5 a day or £5 on food. You don't have to use the money you could put it into a easy access saver for her. But it would give you some assurance, create a safety net of sorts for the teo of you and help your DD understand bills or unexpected charges and how to work with it.

It’s 100 per week in the op …

If he leaves when the fridge is empty, he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’d get a lot of pasta and tinned tomatoes in, batch cook sauce and feed him that whenever he turns up. If anyone questions it, say you need to economise.

I wouldn’t mind him being there, but I would definitely tell them both to go food shopping every time he stays. No way would I continually feed someone for days on end, that’s really taking the mick. He’s your adult daughter's friend, not yours - she pays if he doesn’t. There is no reason why you shouldn’t tell them you can’t afford it.

I’d sit them down. Say you like having him around but money is very tight so it’s caused you to have to go without. If he wants to stay, either he or your daughter will have to give you extra money so you can buy enough food for everyone. Tell them exactly how much extra you’ll need. How they split it between them is then up to them.

Is the friend working?

OP it’s not only what she actually costs you, that you should be considering.

Surely at 20, your DD needs to learn about all the different components of living costs. For her to give you only £100 when she keeps 1k a month is teaching her nothing but entitlement and keeping her in the dark about the real world out there. You are doing her a disservice I’m afraid.

I would increase the amount she gives ….double it at least, as a starter. And insist she saves at least half of the remainder.

I think it’s not good at all that you are struggling to buy food when this situation continues and your DD is oblivious to that struggle.

Use this golden opportunity to teach her, and her friend, that food, electricity, water and lodging isn’t free. Talk to them both and show them your shopping receipts and your utility bills and your council tax, car expenses, rent or mortgage bills.
Tell them you are flat broke and can not buy any more food this week and ask how they could help. Let them think about, and plan how they would manage if they had to pay their way. In fact, they surely should be paying their way entirely now. Isn’t that what your DD’s benefits are for ?

There is absolutely no shame in giving them this very important life lesson OP.
I hope you can sort out a much better arrangement now.

1k a month disposable income on benefits is a huge amount and she needs to learn that it doesn't grow on trees. Tell her that you love having her friend to stay but you can't afford the food so she needs to pay another 100 or 200 a month towards the household and ask him to pay her something for nights he stays.

I just couldn’t have this - somebody staying in my house and eating my food and not contributing. You are being taken andvantage of. Even if I had loads of money I wouldn’t allow this sort of behaviour.

I would sit them both down and explain the situation. Tell them you're happy for him to be there but he needs to contribute a bit more towards bills etc!

Why doesn’t he cough up some money?

He’s got more front than Sainsburys

It's nice that your daughter has a friend that comes to visit but it shouldn't be at your expense! And why does he need to stay for 3-5 days at a time? He only lives an hour away!
I'd sit down and work out how much extra he's costing you and have a frank and honest conversation with the pair of them.

Tine for the pair of them to get a flat together. Extended sleepovers are for kids or adults with their own place.

How on earth does this work? Does he just help himself and make meals? How did this even start? I can't fathom how someone could be in my home just casually helping themselves and me not saying "Daniel, no the sausages are for a meal, please put them back in the fridge. You cannot just help yourself to food".

Even my two young children know to ask if we are at a relatives house, not to just help themselves (and even then they whisper to me they are hungry and I tell them to ssshh we are going soon!),

Am I right in thinking your daughter gets approx £1400 in benefits each month?

Take her shopping. Say here’s a trolley, all main meals and food for the family I buy, everything you and the boy consume goes in there and you buy. Tell her you have x to spend on food FOR THE FAMILY and when it’s gone, that’s it. This might help her understand finances and independence too.
I was going to be a lot more lax, but see she can travel to see friends and is planning to travel independently. Budgeting skills will be very helpful for her. Also to recognise that men that assume that they will be fed for free are pretty unattractive, even as friends.

£400 a month for lodging, utility bills and food is not enough. I would also make sure he is not seeking cash from her as £1k monthly spending money is a lot. You are so generous to him it’s likely she is too.

You sound like a lovely mum, OP. This isn't an issue though as your DD has plenty of disposable income.

When he turns up, ask for how long he's staying. Have a chat with DD about costs and how you cannot afford to feed another person, so while he's there either she or he will have to contribute to his food costs. This could be £10 a day (depending on how much he actually eats but I imagine for most people that's reasonable), or your DD will have to do a food shop for him instead.

Yes but £50 pw isn't enough.

I think your daughter should pay her rent and the food bill. It's outrageous that you are funding both of them to this extent.

Tell her it's not on. She has to make a proper contribution. And he needs to stop being so bloody greedy.