To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

[Trainersbythetruckload]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

@ClubbingClobber that’s not how I read that poster’s comment at all. It didn’t sound like an issue with a disabled woman going on holiday. It sounded like a raised eyebrow at someone with £12K a year entirely disposable income accepting a free flight off someone else’s parents.

What’s her long term plan, are there collage courses she can attend for life skills?

What nonsense is this?!
Why would it be her paying?
You are infuriatingly passive about this!

It's really a good example that your daughter has too much disposable income and either has not learned to manage money or is not capable of doing so that she would go to the supermarket and hand over money to pay for a friends food for a week.

Surely you can see that it isn't a usual thing to do for one young adult to consistently pay for a friends food. Do you know anyone else who does this?

It’s £400 pcm not £100 pcm

Get over yourself. I'm astonished that someone with 1K to play with a month actually had the gall to accept free flights from "well off" people

I was about to say, £1000 pm disposable is LOADS at 20!

Is she paying into a pension? Savings? Using it to work on her life skills so she isn't reliant on you when you are older and potentially needing care yourself?

Sounds as though she doesn't even come shopping with you or share in the preparation of food. How is this helping her?

Presumably she's been receiving all the cost of living payments too. Has she given any to you?
As an aside I am always amazed by how much income my daughter (disabled, in supported living) receives in benefits. I do think there's disparity in benefit income for people who have to run a home and those who live with family or in supported living!
But the difference is you could ask her to give you more contribution. My daughter pays a set amount towards bills, UC pays her rent, and the rest is hers!

I used to get the bus to school when I was 11 which was an hour each way , didn't mean I had to stay there 5 days!

Your daughter needs to contribute more when he stays.

Why on earth has a guest got free reign of your kitchen??

I'd sit them both down and explain that you don't have an issue with him staying but as he's effectively living there part time, you're going to need him to contribute toward the food bills and how does £75 a week cost.

He'll either pay up, stop coming, or stop eating!!

If you haven’t told your DD you’re struggling she probably doesn’t realise and you’re possibly doing her a disservice by not explaining she could really help you out. It might even make her feel better giving you a bit more money and helping. This could also extend to her doing a few chores. I don’t mean to sound rude but it doesn’t sound like she’s doing much does she not get bored? So you show her how to use the washing machine and hang some clothes on the line- you praise her and tell her how much it helps you and that you appreciate it… hopefully she gets some feeling of pride and you move in to the next thing.

I would be seriously uncomfortable with someone walking round my house helping themselves to my food whilst my daughter is asleep. I think you’re doing it because you don’t want your daughter to loose this friendship and I totally understand that but long term you’re not showing her that this is not a normal situation and her education of boundaries Isn’t being met. Imagine this scenario in 10 years time if she’s moved out and it goes from being annoying to terrifying.

As for the spare £1k… My SIL charges my nephew board. I always thought it was a little on the high side to be honest but she’s recently told me that she secretly saves at least half of it for him for when he’s ready to move out and really needs it otherwise he’d just spend it all on crap because he’s shit with money. Your daughter might really need this money in later life. How is she going to adapt from having a spare £1k in her 20s to having £100 left after rent, bills, carers etc.

sorry OP I think this is a case of you’ve got to be ‘cruel’ to be kind.

I’m echoing pp, you’re being an absolute mug, OP. Her PIP is supposed to pay for her to live, you should not be struggling. You certainly need to talk to her friend, but why take them shopping only for her to pay when he’s the one eating you out of house and home? That’s totally ridiculous. She needs to give you more money, he needs to be told to bring his own food and not use anything of yours bar maybe oil for cooking. If he stays more than a night, he also needs to contribute to bills. Can she not do basic household chores? Can he not?! I’d be cooking and cleaning were I staying at someone’s house.

This thread is eye opening on a lot of levels.

OP, sounds like serious boundaries are needed with friend and a review of household finances with DD.

Taking the original point out of the equation, £1400 disposable income is a huge amount and I'm shocked this is available on benefits as it's so different to anything I've heard from those I know.

DH & I work full time, have 2x DC, live sparingly, have no debt other than mortgage and are still in our overdrafts at the end of the month. Saving is out of the question but we are in a better position than people I know, who in FT employment, have to rely on food banks to feed their family and are spiralling into debt. We've cut corners so thin that in bad months it has come down to a choice between us of prioritising heating and eating. Can't imagine having the luxury of a holiday, nice travel (not a work commute) and art supplies.

System is seriously fucked up

The wanton ignorance, the unmitigated meanness of some people, never ceases to amaze me.

What a gorgeous bouquet of humane traits.

Thanks for the reminder.

The DD sleeps 18 hrs a day, so he isn't even spending time with her? Meanwhile this fool has free reign in OP's kitchen to cook?
Are you sure you're not vulnerable yourself OP?!

That’s a huge income for not working!
She absolutely needs to pay you far more.
Most workers don’t get a grand a month to spend on themselves .

I agree but you'll be flamed for it

No wonder so many people are after diagnoses if it leads to this level of benefits.
Crazy amount of money.

I think regardless DD should be paying more than £100 a week, I think an extra £50 per week would be reasonable.

If her friend is staying days at a time then next time he arrives you should tell them they need to do a food shop to cover how ever many days he is staying. It’s really not on that he’s helping himself to your food!

It sounds like he might be taking advantage of you/DD? Or perhaps he has ASD himself and isn’t very self aware?

OP you aren't going to be around forever are you.

Your DD needs to learn how to budget, shop, manage household bills.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with BOTH of them. The friend needs to realise that it's not on to scoff loads of your food! I think he knows very well what he's doing and is freeloading. Call him out on it - he stays, he PAYS!

Your DD needs to properly contribute to the household bills.

Only flamed by those gaming the system
Those on the bones of their arse working won’t flame.

If someone can't shop or cook for themselves then how can they manage such a high amount of disposable income- and how is it disposable - isn't she supposed to use that to employ a carer or something?

If she can't manage a budget then she needs a guardian to have control of her money..

My daughter is in a similar situation, but I am trying to encourage - and she IS, to get more experience in budgeting and managing, as well as learning to go out and about. She has physical health issues as well as the ASD, so sometimes she physically cannot do things, but I see part of my caring role as educating and pushing her to challenge herself and get as independant as she can be - who knows, maybe some of the help I give wont be needed in the future, which may make my role defunct, but I see that as a bonus.

However she pays a similar amount to your daughter, and for that I tell her that she gets dinner in the evening, as Im cooking for myself and her brother. Breakfast is also available - be that toast, cereals, etc, but thats for her to make. Lunches Im not doing any more - thats up to her to sort - even if its just noodles.
She now does her own laundry. She has a basket in her room and she has been shown how to split delicates (wool or silks or handwashes) and lights and darks. A basic 'mixed items' wash for most, a wool wash for the delicates.
It now tends to get done in a massive bunch when she runs outy of clothes, and there are times Im still going to have to get it out of the machine as she forgets to do that, but its a step on the way, and something that she definately needs to start taking responsibility for herself.

When her boyfriend comes to stay, for maybe stretches of 3-4 days - then they know that snacks, evening meals etc they need to provide. He is a hungry 21 year old man, I cant afford to feed him. Sometimes they will cook for her brother too, and I will just have a snack or some leftovers, but then I may include him in our meal the next day - as long as there is give and take its fair. Sometimes I need to remind her that he ate all the bread, and he is good at going out and getting supplies in. And he buys me chocolate. Good lad.

She has a shelf in the cupboard for 'her' food, and your daughter could do the same - get her to buy simple things - pasta, sauces, noodles, etc. and they also could do a delivery order perhaps too - fresh stuff and essentials for the cupboard would soon get to the minimum spend. Its not reasonable for you to have to feed him. But also its a good start to helping her start to learn some life skills.

*"mentally a lot younger than her real age, so adulting is a mystery to her and she just wouldn’t realise how much things cost.

I do all the laundry, she doesn’t really do anything around the house"*

Bloody hell @Trainersbythetruckload you are not doing her any favours by not supporting her to acquire basic life skills. She is twenty years old and you're only just now tentatively suggesting

"Maybe I could suggest driving them to the shops when he turns up so they can plan some meals and buy what they need."

And this is now only prompted by the fact you now can't afford to feed her and her so called mate (who is absolutely taking advantage of you both)

If she is genuinely not capable of basic tasks like laundry, shopping (online if not in person) and meal planning,her PIP should be going towards the care needs caused by her disabilities eg a carer/cleaner/personal assistant etc. Not on art supplies and holidays whilst you run yourself ragged.

You are doing it all for her. This looks like enabling not support.

It is a Personal Independence Payment. She needs to be supported to gain this independence (I receive it myself, and I spend it accordingly, so I'm hardly benefit bashing! Threads like this where someone fritters a grand a month on clothes and art supplies whilst their mum does absolutely everything for her do not fucking help)

Support her to learn, or if she genuinely can't, support her to use her independence payments to outsource her laundry, not spend it on more clothes.

Whilst I agree some people can be deeply unpleasant towards those who claim benefits. I think that while you feel reminded of that, some are reminded of how distorted the benefit system can be.

I for one wouldn't begrudge OP or her daughter the help they need and deserve. I think what is being questioned is a household not working where there is generous enough financial help, but one half is struggling while the other half has it easy and brings mates along for the ride.

OP, talk to them both. I think you also need to step up and make your dd understand her money isn't free money. I know its sensitive but she sounds like she is more clued up than you give her credit for. Long term this isn't beneficial to her to carry on just taking the money and letting her spend it like she is 10 with pocket money.

As a comparable example, as a young adult, I used my DLA (as it was then) for things like a wheelchair and/or wheelchair accessible taxis. I didn't pocket the money to fritter on clothes whilst expecting my mum to drive me around

And she bloody wouldn't have! My mum supported me by sitting with me whilst I contacted local taxi companies to ask about accessibility, she helped me work out how a trip would cost xxx and if I needed someone to go with me, she would always be there if she could. But she helped me to start my life as an independent adult.

If your DD is reliably and repeatedly unable to perform the criteria skills for PIP, the PIP should be used to support her outsource it.

I am not saying she should live like a Spartan monk with no treats at all, I'm using my PIP to get a chippy tonight! I can't physically cook. I don't use my PIP for a takeaway every night though, I have frozen stuff available and/or pay for a carer if needed.