To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

[Trainersbythetruckload]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

An hour on a bus is really not an excuse to spend 5 days somewhere, it’s not like it’s a long haul flight 😂 It takes an hour on the bus to get to our nearest city which is less than 20 miles away!

How much is Agustus Gloop eating?
As previous pp said is she giving him any money?
He must think your house is like supermarket sweep

Your daughter has £1000 a month to spend on whatever she likes?

She pays you back for the food he eats when he visits.

If he eats your food tell him straight that you don't have enough food or money to feed and support another person and can he bring his own food or order takeaway.

It would be a shame to isolate your daughter from her only friend though.

Don’t be so bloody wet!
Tell both of them that you can’t afford to feed him, and he’s to bring his own food. It really is that easy.

But the OP is still struggling so it’s not enough, £1000 disposable income is a massive amount, 2.5 times more than mine! The OP’s daughter will still have a decent amount left over but it will help the OP out, it makes no sense for OP to struggle on unnecessarily

Your dd gets 1k a month so use more of that to pay for ‘extras’ for this lad. If she doesn’t go out much etc then she probably has a fair amount of spare cash.
Obviously you’ll need to speak to her properly about this and say if her friend continues to stay you will need more of a contribution- and you don’t even mention money for more showers etc.

Are you doing his washing too when he pitches up empty handed for 5 days at a time?

That's what I was thinking. My commute is an hour each way. I still go home.

Are you 100% sure they aren't sleeping together? Especially if he's staying for 5 days at a time.

This, if she can plan a holiday and go on trains to places. Then surely she could at least try a part time job.

So you say to her when her friend is here she needs to put an extra £50 or £100 per week towards food shopping

Her benefits aren't for frittering away, they are for living costs and the extra costs of being disabled. Does she have carers? Does she need help washing, dressing etc? Does she need taxis and one on one support every time she leaves the house? If not, she's taking the piss. No wonder hard working people get annoyed sometimes when we hear about these sorts of benefits stories.

OP, things seem rather skewered here. You aren't doing her any favours as she sounds fairly capable if she can take trains, go clothes shopping, plan trips abroad, host her guest for up to 5 days at a time.

I am not entirely sure the benefits system really does benefit your dd in the long term if she is effectively paid to remain infantalised.

He is using you and your dd to get fed. I think you need to wake up and see this is not a particularly healthy friendship really. He is turning up, eating all your food and then leaving when it’s all gone. Start standing up and saying no, or tell him he will be asked to contribute if he stays overnight. I’ll bet he doesn’t visit half as often or stays half as long.

I agree with this. I think you need to help your dd put some boundaries in place as well. Some people will take advantage if they know someone has disposable income. While he is a 'guest', he's also taking the piss and they should be contributing equally to the cost of the food they're eating. If his visits drop off when he realises he's not being fed for free, support your dd to understand the signs of people taking advantage.

Tell your daughter she has to do her own food shop for her friend coming to stay. Job done. She can do it online if she can’t face going out.

There are so many posts on here that could be solved with a really simple conversation. It blows my mind.

It’s tricky because I don’t want him to feel unwelcome but equally I literally can’t afford to feed an extra person so much, especially when they eat as much as he does!

So you say "You are very welcome here but I literally can't afford to feed an extra person so if you come over can you bring over your own food or sort out the shopping"

It's not difficult

Can you buy food he doesn't like, and hide snacks?

Or suggest he includes you/portions for you in the cooked meals?

£100 a week does not cover what it costs to house an adult. And it’s her friend who is using everything up.

You have a voice. Open your mouth and use it. Double what you charge her. Take her shopping with you, show her the meal
plan and then the cost at the end. Explain this goes up when her friend comes round and you cannot afford it. Make a new rule that when he comes over, they shop for themselves, and enforce it.

You’re the parent. Act like it. Even with additional need, you do have to teach this stuff. If she is capable of going on holiday with friends then she is capable of this.

To be honest I don't see why your DD should pay to feed him either.

I would sit them down together, explain that while you enjoy his visits and are quite happy for them to continue you simply cannot afford to carry on paying and that they need to contribute more to the extra costs of what he eats.

Sounds like they both need a bit of a wake up call about real life, males especially are very good at taking things for granted, but usually they don't mind if you spell things out clearly.

I don’t understand this at all, why are you being so passive? You’re meant to be her parent, setting her up to face the world, but you don’t even have her do her own washing at 20 years old? That’s madness to me. She’s clearly perfectly capable if she’s saving to go abroad with friends. On top of that you’re letting her friend take the absolute piss. Tell him to stop helping himself to your food in your house, that you can’t afford to feed him too. He’s being incredibly rude. If your daughter wants to feed him, she can pay for it.

This is ridculous.

A 20 yr old living at home, not working with €1000 a month fun money for art supplies and holidays???

The friend is a user and your daughter is taking advantage. Grow a spine and use your voice to sort this disaster of a situatoin out asap. You have enabled this sponging behaviour.

I also agree. Benefits are for living expenses and yes, I dont begrudge anyone a few luxuries - it makes life bearable, but if she can get trains, shop and go on holiday independently then its frankly, ridiculous she's got 1k a month to spend on clothes, art supplies and holidays abroad and never helps out at all around the house.

I think you are also infantilising her which you will probably say is out of love but it's not- you are creating a completely unrealistic view of what real life is like and its fostering an unhealthy dependence. She is going to get a huge shock when/if you arent there to do everything for her.

I would be concerned for your daughter, and that she is being used. You say she is young for her age, and has a lot of disposable income. This man comes to your house and lives free of charge for days at a time.

Does he have a job? If he is from a large family and of a similar age, does he not want to live independently? Could he do so, or does he need support? If so, are you really helping him by letting him stay with you, or is it masking his support needs - this can’t continue indefinitely. Is he coming to you because he is running out of money?

What would happen if your daughter decided she didn’t want him to stay any more, or wanted him to leave early? Does she know how long he plans to stay each time? Would she have the confidence to say to him that she wants him to leave?

What about her privacy? Where does he sleep? You say they are just friends, is there any concern around her understanding of consent?

I feel the priority here needs to be conversations around boundaries, equal relationships (including friendships), and independence.

@Trainersbythetruckload Is he going into the fridge and food cupboard and just helping himself??? i would be getting a couple of locks on the fridge and cupboard doors and the food is only available when everyone eats, so no treats like crisps or juice etc!! where does he sleep when he stays over??