To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

[Trainersbythetruckload]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

She may still be unable to work and support herself......but that doesn't mean she's entitled to or needs the maximum support available.

I know what the rates are because my son is on the highest rate too.....in contrast he still holds my hand by busy roads and he's 22. He is supported 24/7 and will be for the rest of his life. He cannot leave the house alone, he has no friends and needs to be supported to speak to people so they can understand each other.

He is not planning trips abroad and having his mates round for sleepovers.

Costs have gone up and she’s having a friend over with hollow legs so of course you can ask for more of a contribution.

I'm wondering if there's a similar situation brewing here as @Trainersbythetruckload says "He’s been 3 times for a few days in the last couple of weeks, but then we might not see him for another two or three weeks."

Will she ever live independently?

If so you aren't doing her any favours by letting her think that she will have £1k a month disposable income. No ability to budget, no awareness of real life costs and expenses.

She is a young 20. Now is the perfect time to teach her how to budget.

Her benefit money is supposed to pay her bills. Not fund £1k a month spending money.

She’s getting £1400 per month in benefits? After deductions I don’t get much more than that working. Wow

Honestly as nice a person as your daughter may be, this poster has it spot on, it’s not a practically sustainable situation!

Hang on. You daughter has £1000 per month to spend on what she likes. Having given you £400pm rent.

She does no food shopping, cooking cleaning or helping around the house at all.
She claims lots of money on benefits and doesn’t work.
But she’s independent enough to book and go a holiday with her friends.
The boy stays for 5 days and eats everything. So he doesn’t work either?

Sounds like she needs to get a job. And so does he.

Totally taking the piss.

Why isn't she doing any household chores?

Just to quote myself and elaborate…
Of course, if she was living independently and couldn’t work she would need this amount and sadly wouldn’t have much fun money left over (not many of us do). But for a 20 year old living at home it seems a crazy amount!

Why isn't she doing any household chores?

This too. Fair enough, she may not be able to work but surely she can help a bit around the house if she can go abroad with her friend? How on earth is she going to cope when abroad if she cant even put something in the washing machine?

Good post @Dishwashersaurous

As this poster said, your daughter needs to pay more as the money is given for living, and if you need that to help ease your costs, you need to speak to her.

I am not sure what the future is for your daughter and if she is planning to live alone at some point, but you need to help prepare her as she won't always have this disposable income.

As said, you can always open a separate account and save some for emergencies, or if not needed, to hand back to her at some point when she would need it.

Yanbu. If it’s just the food bill that’s the issue it’s a case of simply saying “daughter it’s costing me an extra eg £200 per month for your friend to be here all the time and I can’t afford all that extra food. I’m happy for him to be here but I’m going to need you to contribute the extra cost.

You sound lovely OP. But it is also a good moment to start educating DD on how life works. There's a finite amount of money and it only goes so far.
So sit down with her and be honest. Most children can understand the concept of money and food and sharing etc. So I think her mental age should be able to cope with a clear explanation. You have only got £x coming in, that a shop costs £y and there's no extra to pay for friends staying. That ypu are more than happy for this friend to stay and he's great company but the extra cost has to be paid for by either her or him. That you're happy to drive them to a supermarket and they can buy what they want when he comes or she can give you his contribution when he leaves.

@Trainersbythetruckload first sit down and look at how much extra he is costing you in food (you can add other utilities too if you notice an increase when he is around).

Then you have two options. You either increase the money your daughter pays you by let's say £25 a week , and when he's not there you just save it for when he is.

Or , on the day he arrives you send them both to the shops to do a food shop for whatever they need that they pay for.

Yes I think so. OP said 400 to her then she has 1000 left over. I had less than that when I was 22 straight out of uni and working full time.

I think I need to sit down and work out exactly how much I’m spending on everything, I haven’t done that for a while.
Don’t forget as well as food to add in costs of power for charging his phone, water/power for taking a shower, washing his bedding etc. Even things like extra loo roll add up over a year! If he’s staying several nights every week he will really be costing you a lot in addition to the food bills.

He likes cooking (a bit too much 😐)

Are you saying he just helps himself?
It sounds like this friend could be exploiting your dd. Are you certain she doesn’t give him cash or buy him things? You need to help your dd become independent by teaching her to do her own laundry and some household chores.

I'd ask your daughter to pay an extra £100 every time he comes, to cover the food bill. She has the money, and it is her guest. Explain that you need it for extra food when he's here. Nothing wrong with that. Just charge her extra.

My friend did this too, she was a smart and ambitious graduate but she had a series of knocks with terrible abusive partners which led to losing her job, struggling to get another one, homelessness, mixing with the wrong people in hostels, and she didn’t have family support etc .

She did try to sort herself out but aside from lack of family support, it was just a struggle for her as a single woman with no kids in terms of getting support with housing etc , so she got signed off on disability long term due to all the stress.

Got her own flat provided and disability benefit which meant she was able to save it up and go on holiday twice a year. While I was working full time, living in a houseshare and scraping by to get one holiday every year. Not in touch with her anymore so no idea if she ever went back to work.

I feel there should be more support available to people wanting to work and live a decent life rather than feeling as if they just having to completely step out of the workforce and go on benefits .

It’s not helpful to the taxpayer or themselves in the long run. A lot of wasted potential.

Quite frankly it's ridiculous that she has 1k a month to spend without working and you are struggling. It needs to be reversed.

I agree it’s not sustainable but to be clear The daughter is paying 400 pcm.

Exactly.

You're really not helping your daughter at all.

How will she survive without you ?

The more I think about this, the more the friend and food is a red herring.

You really need to sit down with her and make plans for the future. Is the intention she will live with you forever? Or could she possibly manage in assisted living?

If she's planning on going on holiday is her friend going to be her carer etc. And is she paying for her, and do both of them understand what that means.

Maybe use this incident as a reset. So she is now an adult and needs to as far as possible be treated as one. But there needs to be a long term plan.

And the same for her friend. Does he work? Or does he also have disabilities?

Both of them need to understand that the current set up isn't sustainable

Your dd doesn’t sound that lovely. She’s getting £1400 a month and going on train journeys and holidays but can’t get a job? Even a part-time one? And lets her friend come and eat all your food. She sounds like a walkover with her friend, I bet she’s giving him money too. And she sounds quite naive about the real world. You sound lovely but you’re enabling her and it won’t do her any favours in the long term. She’s 20, not 12.