To not want DD’s friend here all the time?

[Trainersbythetruckload]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bitch or not.

DD is 20 and has ASD and other health issues, she does not work and gets UC and PIP. She pays me £100 a week towards rent, bills, food etc, but has around £1k per month to spend as she pleases.

She is a lovely girl and struggles with her mental health, she isn’t able to get out and do much, and is in her room a lot of the time. She doesn’t have many friends, but she has one very good friend who is nearing the end of the his college course and as such has been spending an increasing amount of time here. DD really enjoys having him here (he’s not a boyfriend, just a friend).

However, him being here costs me a bloody fortune! Money is very tight at the moment as I’m not able to work much due to my own health, and I swear DD’s friend has hollow legs. He has an amazing knack for turning up just as I’ve done a food shop, and he’s like a swarm of termites. Before I know it, the food shop which I’d planned on lasting a week is gone in 2/3 days.

On one hand DD loves having him here, he’s a nice lad and I think he’s pretty unhappy at home. But on the other hand I feel resentment at having to feed the bugger so much! He lives about an hour away by bus so when he appears he tends to stay for 5 days or so. He left 3 days ago after a 5 day stay and then reappeared today…just in time for yesterday’s food shop. The food shop I did yesterday was a bit of a skimpy one as I’m completely broke until next week, so I literally can’t afford to go shopping again if he eats all our food again, which he will.

AIBU? If I was rolling in cash this wouldn’t be an issue at all, but I’m really not.

Your daughter should be paying a bit more to cover him and also her own food. She doesn’t need £1000 a month walking around money, especially if you are struggling to feed the family.

As an adult she'd normally be paying 1000% of cost of hosting friends. Its very reasonable for her to cover the costs of hosting her friend. Alternatively he can pay for himself, he should be contributing directly if he's staying for so long.

ETA: I think its actually more important that he contributes too, you don't want DD to be thinking it's any more ok for a man to be a cocklodger living off her than for you to be subsidising her friends.

Your daughter sounds woefully lacking in adult skills. Your job is to make her more independent within her capabilities. At the moment she’s managed to attract a friend who takes advantage of her.
It’s very common in vulnerable people on benefits to have such ‘friends’. My son is plagued by them, as soon as his money comes in they are round him like flies, he’s cooking up meals and being the jolly host , of course as soon as they’ve eaten and drunk him dry they all disappear for another month. He thinks they are his friends.
I had no idea when he was growing up that he was on the spectrum and I wish I had spent less time worrying about keeping him in school and more time building up his self confidence.

I don’t think you’re an arsehole at all. It’s not up to you to provide an alternative home for him. When I was a teen, some of my friends lived in posh country houses with ponies and so on. I didn’t dream of inviting myself to live with them, even though they could most definitely have afforded it without even noticing.

Sorry, but you need to be firmer. Firstly, so what if he lives an hour’s bus ride away. That’s nothing, is it? That’s a commute for many people. It’s not like he’s having to walk 50 miles to get to your house. So, there’s zero reason for him to stay over. I’d probably allow one or two stayovers a week but only to avoid late travel, eg Dave arrives late morning, spends the day with your DD and stays over, but then gets a bus back to his home around lunchtime the next day. Certainly not staying 5 bloody days!

Also, you need to point out to him how a) you can’t afford to feed him so much; b) he shouldn’t be helping himself to food; and c) if he’s really your DD’s friend he’d be better off encouraging her to go out a bit more, not enabling her to stay in her room.

You’re being far, far too soft here! Ask him for a contribution towards food, but ideally reduce his visiting time. Get your DD to sit down with you and do an online shop so she can see the cost of food and how it all adds up.

But does £100 a week fully cover her share of all bills, food and some extra for rent. Given she has so much spare - more than most - I would make what you Get from her a realistic amount. I know what you mean about not been able to give same as what you had as a child - I am some what similar despite having a much more professional ‘high paying job’ but if you haven’t got it you haven’t got it and it won’t do her any harm at all and maybe better prepare her for later in life. As for the boy I’d say to your daughter they need to sort food when he’s visiting - online delivery?

How will she manage abroad if she doesn't realise you need to pay for food and general costs to live?

They’re 20, I think it can bit of an awkward age where they should being mature and adult about things, but if no one has taught them or pointed out some home truths, they will still be acting like entitled children. You’d be doing them both a favour to tell them- you love having her at home, and your like him, and are happy for him to come over, but if it’s going to be for several nights at a time, he needs to start paying towards food. That’s honestly not rude, or you being a bitch, it’s a perfectly reasonable expectation of another adult. If he’s upset or offended by that then so be it, he needs to hear it. It’s just not a reasonable to expect that, at 20, that you can rock up at a friends parents house (or anyone’s house!), stay for days at a time and help yourself to their food.

ETA: I think its actually more important that he contributes too, you don't want DD to be thinking it's any more ok for a man to be a cocklodger living off her than for you to be subsidising her friends

This is an excellent point- she will then learn that it's her job to finance a bloke. Yes, of course she should be paying more but he should also be contributing. It's nothing to do with being a bitch, you are teaching her life skills and we all have to learn those. You'd be doing her a disservice not to actually. I think you should talk to both of them.

The issue is you are also currently paying a lot of her friends living costs and you can't afford that so the options are:

• she pays more to cover her friends food
• he brings food
• he stops eating when he comes round.

If she was to contribute an extra £20 a week that would cover getting in some extra cheap filling foods like, pasta and sauce, cheese, bread, apples, milk etc then you can have a selection of easy to make quick foods available that she and he can eat when he's round. They could whip up a massive pan of mac n cheese and fill their hollow legs.

He is behaving appallingly and is old enough to know better.

But if it's the only reason you mind him being there, and he makes your daughter happy, you should introduce a system of a minimum contribution per day for food and in chores. If he likes to cook it could benefit you in some ways.

Or, rejig your daughter's contribution to not include food, give her one of the cupboards and a shelf in the fridge, and tell her whatever they eat has to come from that.

Does he have his own money? I'd talk to your daughter and explain you'd like £x for each day he stays to cover food for him ( you can work out what that is). It's not unreasonable at all given your circumstances. She might be young for her age but surely not too young to understand that 3 people eat more than two. Or ideally speak to them both. Then they can decide who pays the extra.

It sounds to me like you are afraid of upsetting your daughter, but she could actually afford to pay the extra herself and still have plenty of money for her plans. She needs to understand how the real world works.

If your daughter' was in assisted living or her own flat all that 1k would be gone on bills
Your being ridiculous only charging her 100 a week
She should be paying her fair share of bills rent and food ,that's what the money is given to her for
Come up with a plan where she pays half of everything,she can't piss £1000 up the wall each month while you feed house and keep her warm
Your a mug allowing that
And tell the greedy fucker boyfriend to buy his own food ,

OP the purpose of her benefits are because she is unable to work and therefore needs money to live on. Of course I wouldnt begrudge her some luxuries, but £1k of disposable income on non-living costs just isn't in the spirit of this and much more than many people on good salaries have. She also only has this money left over because the majority of her living costs are paid for by you! If she moved out she would have no disposable income on that amount.

Please stop feeling guilty. To put this in context I'm actually always on the side of charging adult children absolute minimum rent to allow them to save, but your situation just isn't like that and even I think you need to explain the situation to her and up her rent.

Obviously the friend is cheeky although to be honest I'm not sure how I would manage that part. Certainly some blunt comments but not sure how far I would go. He is effectively using you for food...and now he'll be using your daughter...although I really don't mean that their relationship isnt genuine...but it's a very difficult situation.

Why doesn’t she work?

What is she going to do when you’re not around?

Your dd doesn't need £1000 a month to herself......if she wants him there and him being around helps her mentally I'd increase her contribution by £50 pw.......no way would I be going without to fund someone else.

I agree with @LAMPS1 and I think that you are doing her a disservice by allowing her to be oblivious to how much things cost and doing all of the running of the household stuff.

Spending your days with friends, buying clothes and art supplies whilst your mother washes your pants and literally goes hungry is not a realistic life. You are protecting her too much from what ordinary life is like.

If your DD is young for her age she'll just be happy to see him with no thought to how much it costs you. I'd address it with the friend, he's got too comfortable and using you as a second home now, something you should have addressed long ago. Tell him you can't afford to let him stay so much unless he chips in. Your DD may offer more money but she shouldn't be paying for him any more than you should. He's an adult, he needs to pay his way

As an aside she's currently on £1400 a month which is the highest pip and UC available for the most severely disabled. This level is for people who can't leave the house alone, or prepare a meal, they need support or prompting to shower etc......yet your dd is planning trips abroad with friends.

It sounds like she's not on the correct rate and this can land you both in serious hot water if she gets found out. I really would ask for a reassessment. Basically it's fraud.

Come up with a plan where she pays half of everything,she can't piss £1000 up the wall each month while you feed house and keep her warm

I agree.

My mum used to foster older teenagers through a charity and they would get a similar amount of 'pocket money' paid directly to them between sixteen and nineteen.

They would be able to buy clothes, make up, days out - all sorts of stuff. Then when they were eighteen it all stopped. They had had two years of spending loads of money on whatever they wanted and then all of a sudden they had no money at all. They had no idea that you couldn't just spend £500 on DJ decks because you had to eat.

You said yourself adulting is a mystery to her but you're not giving her a chance to 'adult'.

Ask your daughter for more money, £1000 a month fun money is much much more than most people have!

Unless she’s always going to live subsidised by you, the £1000 pcm play money seems unsustainable. I agree that he should be contributing to food, he’s round too much to be treated like a guest.

I have no opinion on the fraud thing as I dont know the full circumstances but I agree with this- if she's on highest level of PIP and UC, then how is she able to go abroad with friends on her own?

I have no opinion on the fraud thing as I dont know the full circumstances but I agree with this- if she's on highest level of PIP and UC, then how is she able to go abroad with friends on her own?

this ^
she is planning on travelling abroad but can’t work?

So she's on the maximum level of health benefits.

You need to sit down with her and explain what her money is for. ( ignore the friend and food point for the moment, she needs to understand what her money is for and what it should pay for).

About half, the UC is to cover living costs, bills, food, travel and day to day costs. Sit down and work out exactly what her costs are, share of council tax, energy, food etc and then she gets what is left for extras. Will probably only be a token amount a week

Then the PIP is to cover the extra costs of her disability. Again, sit down with her and work out what they are. Does she need travel assistance, so can only get taxis and not public transport. Or therapy and extra treatment. Or can she not cook so needs to pay for ready meals, or she can't physically clean so needs to pay for a cleaner. Or she gets cold and needs the heating on more. The PIP is to pay for the extra costs of disability. It is not just general fun money.

She really needs to understand what her money is for.

And if she isn't capable of understanding then you need to take responsibility for the budgeting and not her.