DP bought us a house without telling me

[Sevensummers]

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

You're going to lose it anyway. Except if you give up your house and it doesn't work out you'll lose everything. I'd be telling him that you're not moving with him without being married or on the deeds. He'll probably promise later later. Can't trust that.

Let him go and claim UC. It's not the end of the world. No way I could come back from that though.

About 5 years ago we had a very serious conversation where I said I wanted more commitment. He wasn’t paying me that much at the time for living at the house and I told him I needed him to contribute more financially and I wanted plans for the future. Such as marriage and a house. He told me he wanted those things too, but whenever I’ve brought them up ever since he always said he can’t afford it yet. Clearly was a lie. I just accepted it in the end and stopped asking

So he’s used money he should have given you for bills and used it to buy himself a house. He is not trustworthy - I would stay put and split up with him.
Use ‘entitled to’ to see if you can claim Universal credit as that should help with the rent. Also claim for single council tax once he’s gone.

Personally I'd be showing him the door today. It's obvious he's used you from the start. I'll bet it's been the bare minimum he's been paying.

He has benefited from living with you and bought himself a house.

Be under no illusion, that home is for him. He won’t put you on the deeds.

Do NOT leave your tenancy.

Never, ever, ever, ever, even consider giving up your HA property, not unless YOU have the means to buy your own property in your own name, never.

You can't trust this man, break it off and let him pay for his new house by himself.

For me it would be all or nothing.

Marriage, on the deeds, joint bank accounts.

In reality I'd end it and sort myself out so I could pay all the bills myself.

You say he moved in with you ' pretty much instantly ' did he check with you first? An interesting saying I've learnt on here is,, no one falls in love as fast as a man who needs somewhere to live.

Thanks everyone. It’s what I thought anyway, because I do want to end it now. I just worry about the financials but I will have a look what I’m entitled to and hope it’s enough. I can’t believe he’s been with me for 10 whole years and thinks so little of me that he’s done this

living as his guest and dependent on his goodwill

I’m sorry OP but I believe you have been had
and
should you carry on with this relationship you will
continue to be had

don’t be a mug and give up your HA home

when the dust settles speak to your Housing Officer

this man is devious,

listen to us, don‘t do it, you will
find a way, many of us have had to,
financially struggled
gone without, triumphed, you will too.
There is help out there.
Get him out

You're right to be cautious. This would be the end for me personally.

What's your current situation re: work? Can you increase your hours/second job etc. To stay where you are? I'd be very surprised if you couldn't afford everything on a social housing tenancy between work and any eligible benefits unless you have masses of debt or you're insuring a ferrari

OP, you've been had. He's been a cocklodger for the last 10 years. He is now so clearly showing you who he is, please please believe it. Your gut is not wrong on this. Kick him out now (even if his lovely new house isn't 'ready' yet) and deal with any financial shortfalls later. I'm so sorry

Sounds like he's used you OP, lived with you paying the bare minimum whilst buying himself a house that he didn't even tell you about. I wonder if he'd have told you if you hadn't found out, and if he actually wants you to live with him

I work full time and the line of work that I’m in means that I can do my own jobs at the weekend from home but I don’t have anywhere to do them. I don’t want to be too outing to myself but think along the same lines as a massage therapist. I could do some self employed work as extra but I don’t have any rooms or anything set up and wouldn’t have enough money to go fully self employed and rent somewhere out. I suppose I could look for a different kind of job on the weekend though

To try and lessen the hurt think of it as you've had some help with the bills for 10yrs but you still get to keep your home.

At least you won't be the mug that gives up your security and moves in with him cleaning his house and paying towards it for nowt when he decides to get rid.
He is a user, a sociopathic male who uses his charms on trusting women for his own financial advantage.

He would never actually put you on the deeds, you can't trust a word he says.

Just concentrate on yourself now and finding a way to make up the shortfall.

What an arsehole! Been saving up all his money letting you pay for the roof over his head for 10 years. I believe he'll put you on the deeds "later" like I believe I'll marry Brad Pitt. Don't leave your home. Do leave him.

Sorry you're in this position. Hope you manage to make it work.

He was paying for food shopping and he also bought me a car outright and was paying the insurance for me.
Are you fucking kidding me??! OP, you have been harbouring a cocklodger for the past 10 years. Learn about these cheapskate twats, release him into the wild and thank your lucky stars you found out now rather than in another ten years.

Do not let your HA house go. Do not move in with him. End the relationship. Look on benefits calculator to see if you can get help. After all, you only need enough to cover the food shop 🙄

HE WILL NEVER PUT YOU ON THE DEEDS! Never. If he had any intention of putting you on the deeds he’d have done it by now, or better still involved you in the process of looking for, bidding on and purchasing the place like, you know, a normal couple.

Yes you may be worse off in the short term if he goes, but what if you do give up your HA property, he still refuses to put you on the deeds, you row about it, he kicks you and your kids out- where would you be then? Because TBH this sounds like the most likely scenario to me.

Wow, he really wasn’t buying a house for you both. It was for him to live in or rent on the side. He has used you for free board to save for his house. He just backtracked when he was found out.

I’m so sorry, OP, you've been supporting a cocklodger for the last 10 years while he quietly saved up to buy himself a house.

As PP’s have said, look into what you’re entitled to as a single person and kick him out. He’ll get a shock when he has to pay all the bills in his house. Thank goodness you’ve got secure housing, you can make this work. 💐

Is it the kind of work that you could do at a clients home instead? Re your example of massage - I used to have someone come to my house for massage and it was brilliant, could just chill afterwards. She now has a proper room in her own house but I never go because I can’t be bothered with transport home.

And I’m adding my voice to those who say you should NOT give up your HA home for this bloke.

he said he will do but not until we move in. But now I don’t trust him.

You are right not to trust him.

What i dont understand is why wont he put you on the deeds now? why does he need you give up your secure tenancy first?
what's the rationale???

It's utterly shocking when we finally realise that actually, a lot of men just view women as something they can use for their own benefit. And that's it. That's all we mean to them. A means to an end.

OP we are all enraged on your behalf

When we were on our own I. noticed a huge difference in the food money I needed, not so much meat, we nad pasta, baked potatoes.
My so. worked in a nurseries at the weekend and through his long summer break,
so if he wnted to go out or needed technology he had his own funds.

Single person discount for council tax,
budget scheme worked out for gas and elec, considerably less,
amazing the difference the removal of one person makes,
many ways to cut down, from standby lights off to walking short distances.
I kept the car going, spent hours working out cheapest insurance,
always robbing Peter to pay Paul.
But we did it!
and you will too

He hasn't bought "us" a house. He's bought himself a house.