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Original poster

DP bought us a house without telling me

307 replies

Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 14:49

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 31/05/2024 14:51

Ask him to transfer the house to joint names if it’s really for both of you.

isthewashingdryyet · 31/05/2024 14:52

Do not give up your housing association house for any one all ever

and he’d be an x by now, how sneaky and deceitful

Lavender14 · 31/05/2024 14:53

^ as above. Your name and joint deeds.

But truthfully op that's a massive massive financial decision he's made without you. I'd be devastated I didn't get the chance to have a say in the home I was going to live in.

For me this would possibly be a deal breaker... how old are your kids?

rainydaysaway · 31/05/2024 14:56

You’re 100% doing the right thing - don’t give up your HA house. I would say even if he puts you on the deeds you might still split up and you would have to move out with no home to go to.

Chersfrozenface · 31/05/2024 14:58

He expects you to move from a house where you, and your children while they live with you, have security of tenure as long as you want (and you pay the rent) to a house where you can be thrown out and be made homeless on his whim.

Ask him how that is respectful and considerate.

Original poster
Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 14:58

Lavender14 · 31/05/2024 14:53

^ as above. Your name and joint deeds.

But truthfully op that's a massive massive financial decision he's made without you. I'd be devastated I didn't get the chance to have a say in the home I was going to live in.

For me this would possibly be a deal breaker... how old are your kids?

Yes, even if he is telling the truth and it is for both of us, I wanted to be a part of the process and he has taken it away from me.

I have told him I want to be added on and he said he will do but not until we move in. But now I don’t trust him. The fact he’s been living with me and doing this behind my back has wounded me.

They are 20, 17 and 13. The 20 year old doesn’t live at home anymore she lives in a house share. But the other two are still at home and my 17 year old will be going to uni and isn’t in a position to move out. So they would have to come.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 31/05/2024 15:00

As you said, unless you're on the deeds it's not both of your house.
Don't give up your HA house. You will find a way to afford it without him.
How incredibly sneaky of him to buy a house behind your back!

GHSP · 31/05/2024 15:01

I think you are right to be mistrusting OP. Get advice (CAB is good) before giving up your HA house. You would be taking a massive gamble if you are unmarried.

Original poster
Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 15:01

Chersfrozenface · 31/05/2024 14:58

He expects you to move from a house where you, and your children while they live with you, have security of tenure as long as you want (and you pay the rent) to a house where you can be thrown out and be made homeless on his whim.

Ask him how that is respectful and considerate.

Yes! Exactly this, I have so much to lose. But then if he does what he says and does put me on the deeds would I be in a better position? A bigger, nicer house for ourselves that is ours to do what we want with it etc. but now I don’t actually want to be with him. I want to break up but I’m scared of losing the financial security which I know sounds bad but with how everything has gone up recently, my wage only just covers bills. His pays for food shopping and he pays for my car for me as well. So I’d have to find that money from somewhere

OP posts:
NoraLuka · 31/05/2024 15:02

Did he tell you about the house or did you find out about it by chance? That would make a difference but you’re not being unreasonable either way, who would want to move into a house they hadn’t chosen at all?

Charley50 · 31/05/2024 15:02

And was he fully paying his way with you? Or were you enabling him to save by letting him not contribute fully. What a bellend he is. Sorry OP.

OCaledonia · 31/05/2024 15:02

If you go back to being a single person you will be entitled to all sorts of benefits, check on the govt website or "entitled to" I would caution against giving up your HA home .

Original poster
Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 15:03

NoraLuka · 31/05/2024 15:02

Did he tell you about the house or did you find out about it by chance? That would make a difference but you’re not being unreasonable either way, who would want to move into a house they hadn’t chosen at all?

I found out about it by chance. I feel like he wanted me to find out because he was carelessly leaving things lying around. He said he was going to tell me he’s just waiting for the final things to go through and get the keys before surprising me

OP posts:
Original poster
Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 15:04

Charley50 · 31/05/2024 15:02

And was he fully paying his way with you? Or were you enabling him to save by letting him not contribute fully. What a bellend he is. Sorry OP.

He was paying for food shopping and he also bought me a car outright and was paying the insurance for me. He is on a lot of money so he was able to save

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 31/05/2024 15:05

Nope, huge red flag - even if you did move in there’s no guarantee he’d put you in the deeds by which time it’s too late because you’ve given up your house. And how would the financials work - he’s not going to hand over half his house if you split up. The situation is far too controlling and I’d be worried about my financial vulnerability.

VestPantsandSocks · 31/05/2024 15:06

Do not give up your HA property for a man who cannot be trusted.

Charley50 · 31/05/2024 15:07

He should have also been contributing to all bills and rent. This has enabled him to save, not just his high salary.

As a pp says, you'll be able to get some benefits now or work more hours if you weren't before.

ByCupidStunt · 31/05/2024 15:07

Another one here saying don't give up your ha property.

What are your thoughts on marriage?

Workawayxx · 31/05/2024 15:08

Definitely don't give up your home for someone who may or may not put you on the deeds and could kick you out any moment. It doesn't sound like he was/is properly contributing considering his much higher wage. Can you look at what benefits you'd get if he wasn't living with you that might help? You should get something for the 13 year old at the very least.

Original poster
Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 15:08

Charley50 · 31/05/2024 15:07

He should have also been contributing to all bills and rent. This has enabled him to save, not just his high salary.

As a pp says, you'll be able to get some benefits now or work more hours if you weren't before.

Yes I used to get benefits before. But do I still get them with my children being so old? I only have 1 under 18 now

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 31/05/2024 15:09

Don't you mean your EX partner bought a house thinking you'd give up your secure HA home in a nice area to move in with him and lose all your security.

I couldn't move past this and would end the relationship.

NoraLuka · 31/05/2024 15:09

Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 15:03

I found out about it by chance. I feel like he wanted me to find out because he was carelessly leaving things lying around. He said he was going to tell me he’s just waiting for the final things to go through and get the keys before surprising me

Show quote history

Is it possible he genuinely thought he was doing a nice thing?

Def don’t give up your HA house though, whatever his thought process he isn’t taking your opinion into account and that’s never good.

BloodyAdultDC · 31/05/2024 15:09

Op have a look on the entitledto website, and think about submitting a claim for benefits as a single person. Your council tax might reduce and if he's only paying for food and your car you might be ok

Don't move into his house and risk your home security.

Booksandflowers · 31/05/2024 15:11

Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 15:01

Yes! Exactly this, I have so much to lose. But then if he does what he says and does put me on the deeds would I be in a better position? A bigger, nicer house for ourselves that is ours to do what we want with it etc. but now I don’t actually want to be with him. I want to break up but I’m scared of losing the financial security which I know sounds bad but with how everything has gone up recently, my wage only just covers bills. His pays for food shopping and he pays for my car for me as well. So I’d have to find that money from somewhere

Show quote history

You’d probably be entitled to universal credit if you were single?

Chersfrozenface · 31/05/2024 15:12

Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 15:04

He was paying for food shopping and he also bought me a car outright and was paying the insurance for me. He is on a lot of money so he was able to save

Show quote history

Can you do some rough calculations?

Add up the rent, council tax and utility bills you've been paying all the time he's been living with you.

Then add up how much he's paid for shopping, for the car and for the insurance.

Are the figures similar?

Also, how much would he have paid in rent on a flat or even a room in a shared house, plus council tax and utility bills, plus the shopping he's used, minus the car expenses and the shopping for you and your kids? If he'd been paying that, would he have been able to save up for the deposit (I take it he'll have an ongoing mortgage as well) and buying expenses?