DP bought us a house without telling me

[Sevensummers]

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

Wow unbelievable the nerve of this guy. I'm sorry you're in this situation, he has used you for 10 years for a roof over his head and to save up to buy his own house.
It must hurt a lot but think clearly and do not understand any circumstances give up your own security. Unless he marries you before you give up your house then you can move in.
Otherwise live separately - date him if you can't be without him and can get over the betrayal but that's it.

You will be just fine

She asked him to buy a house with her. He said no. And went ahead in secret and bought a house himself so it's hardly the same thing.

I hope you are saying “ he needs to marry you” with your tongue in your cheek.

He has lied to her every day for ten years. Do you think a piece of paper is going to cure him of that habit.

What he is looking for is a warm body in his bed who will also oblige by paying half of his living expenses, or possibly more since -bless his little cotton socks- he is the one who has shelled out on buying a house conveniently forgetting that if he had not been a cock lodger for ten years leeching off the OP he would still be homeless and sleeping in a van.

OP
Having your name on the deeds, even if he does it BEFORE you give up your tenancy, does not mean that you own half the house!

It means that he cannot throw you out, but he can force a sale upon you, and you would only have a part of the equity.

If he has bought outright, ie no mortgage, then your share if you break up may be a bit larger. If he has the house on a mortgage, or sets loans against it, your share will be smaller.
You risk losing a good secure tenancy to fulfil a dream of having a fractional value of a house - if that.
Marriage may entitle you to more, but it won't be 50/50 from day 1, unless you can show contribution. Time in the marriage increases your security
You need legal advice.

@mrsdineen2, it idepends on where the OP lives.

In many areas of London, £2k per month is not that unusual for a 3-bed house and many singletons are paying £1k per month or more for a one-bed flat. However, the OP did mention that she had a Johnnie Johnson house, so is more likely in the North of England. In this case, the savings are likely to be less.

Either way, the OP was foolish to allow him to move in with her and her children so quickly and to stay rent-free. The OP would be even more foolish to give up her home and move in with him.

Do not give up your house. He is totally out of order doing this.

I don't want to go into too many details on here but I did something very similar to what the OP's partner has done once.

The reason was that I felt insecure because my partner would not commit to marriage and I was living in his home, contributing to bills but building no financial security.

I wanted the sale to go through first because I didn't quite believe it would and then I told him.

He understood my reasons and that my actions had been driven by insecurity due to his actions (or lack of them), and in the end he made the changes I was looking for, seeing I was in earnest, and things worked out, for a long time anyway. They ended much later and for very different reasons.

Possibly this story is not relevant at all, as OP's partner may have acted for very different reasons to me.

I am just saying, do listen to him first OP, and try to understand where he is coming from. His actions certainly say something. But they don't necessarily say "I don't love you and don't want to be with you". They do say "I need things to change".

Whether those changes work for you, or not, is of course entirely up to you.

Certainly don't move into his house if you don't love him and no longer want to be with him.

But if you were entirely happy before, I would give yourself time to think it through before you decide.

I realise I will be more or less a lone voice saying this, and it does stem from my own unusual experience.

My actions made perfect sense to me, and once explained, my partner agreed they made sense to him too, in our context.

They are 20, 17 and 13. The 20 year old doesn’t live at home anymore she lives in a house share. But the other two are still at home and my 17 year old will be going to uni and isn’t in a position to move out. So they would have to come.

Do you want to move in with him?

If yes, then you could potentially put the 20 and 17yo on the tenancy and then after a few months move out.

They will be responsible for paying the rent but at least if it does end badly then you can move back in with them.

The issue may come in a couple of years time, if they both want to move and you don’t want them to give up the home.

I’m not sure I would want to live in a home that has been bought without me knowing anything about it but you do say that he’s been paying for most of the bills for the past 10 years and I assume this would continue in the new home.

You are not actually financially losing out by your name not being on the house deeds, because you wouldn’t own a home anyway.

The only risk is moving in together and then breaking up and you’ve given up your decent social housing (which are very rare).

So he buys you a car, pays the insurance, pays the food and other bills. And you want to leave him but are worried how you can cope financially? And everyone here says he is a chancer?

You moved a homeless man in with your young children after 2 months???

I don't even know what to say. You got financially fucked over but honestly it could have been a lot worse. You put your kids and yourself at major risk.

He didn't pay his way which means money that should have gone to your kids went to subsiding him.

Get rid of him and don't be so reckless ever again.

For the record I think they both have behaved horrifically.

Those poor kids are the only victims.

I think you would be mad to give up your house

But the amount of people who think you are ‘entitled’ to half HIS house that HE paid for, does make me laugh
If this was a reverse, they would be telling the man it was the woman's house and he has no right to it

Regardless of the arrangement you had when he lived with you and how much or how little he paid has no reflection on now.

Its his house that he paid for and needs to protect himself.
I wouldnt put your name on it in his circumstances either

Hopefully he hasnt used you for the last 10 years because that is just awful.
And him not telling me that his bought a house would be the end of the relationship for me, BUT you arent entitled to go on the deeds, sorry!

On the bright side, you've got your home back.
He can go to his house, but he's not coming back to yours, nor will you make yourself homeless and reliant on him.
Bizarre. I'd be splitting up over this with ease.
He lived in a van, moved into yours and sponged off you for a decade in order to buy a whole flipping house!? He should pay you back for all the stuff you bought him when he feigned poverty. But he won't, so I'd cut your losses now and fuck him off permanently.

This isn’t the first time he has lied is it?

My ex did the same thing by the way. He kept it secret and let it out.

@m00rfarm

I think it’s the secrecy that the OP’s most upset about. He’s been house-hunting and has bought a place without her knowledge. While she paid all the rent and household bills (aside from food) on where he’s currently living.

I can’t imagine my DH secretly buying a house. Would your partner do that?

Kick him out. He can go back to living in his van until the sale goes through, don't let him sweet talk his way back into your life either.

Actually, yes he would, but that is a whole other issue! I have bought properties without telling him as well - it is my money and nothing to do with him what I do with it and vice versa.

@m00rfarm You’re obviously in a different financial position to the OP!
It sounds as if she hasn’t been able to save much while he’s been socking away hefty sums. I do agree that the car was generous, although I suspect it’s either solely in his name or in joint names.

I expect you share the expenses on your primary residence though-although you may have multiple. 😂

No. Hard no. This is a monumental deception and he clearly has no intention of adding you to the deeds. I rarely go straight to LTB but staying with someone who could buy an actual fucking house behind your back in his own name, knowing you want to buy a house yourself, is insanity. You have secure housing for yourself and your children. Please do not give it up for this utter chancer.

NB buying a house in your own name behind your partner's back is in no way similar to having a discussion about who's contributing what and how that should be reflected in the names on the title deeds before or during the process of finding a house to buy together.

My situation is definitely not the same as the OP, for sure. He pays the electricity and I pay for everything else for our main residence. It nowhere near is a 50/50 split - and with his rather strange dietary requirements, we don't share food shopping either 😂 I would be happier on my own, but for now we are muddling along (sorry for the side track, OP!) I think my feeling of being uncomfortable was that she said she could not ask him to leave because without his being there, she has no car or food, which sounds like she is using him.

It's not that he just bought a house. It's the deception and the fact he doesn't seem to have paid his way adequately whilst living at hers and saving for said house.

OP, there's quite a few posts on here telling you how foolish you were 10 years ago when this man moved in with you and your children so quickly. Please read lumpybumpydumpy's post for a kinder viewpoint, which I endorse. Remember that you are 10 years older and wiser now, you're seeing clearly what's going on, and you're going to take steps to protect you and your children from a potentially disastrous situation in giving up your secure tenancy on your home. I've made mistakes in my own life, and have known the pain of ending a relationship with a man I loved because I knew he would never do the right thing by me (completely different scenario not relevant here). But I've survived and even thrived, though it's been hard along the way. Sending you support and best wishes for a good future for you and your children x

@m00rfarm Mutually convenient for a while perhaps, but she definitely shouldn’t move into his house now. What a mess.

Yes - I agree. I don't think either of them deserve the other and they need to go their separate ways for so many reasons.