DP bought us a house without telling me

[Sevensummers]

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

I would just tell him outright that you’re not giving up your security of having a HA house to move into a hoise
that isn’t even yours….
His promise to put you on the deeds is
BS… a promise that will never happen!

As for benefits, fill out the benefits calculator on line and also remember if you’re single your council tax will go down by 25% and if you’re low income you’ll get a further reduction!

OP has very clearly said he only paid for food… he didn’t pay rent or bills!!
so he’s allowed her to struggle while
hes saved a huge amount!

You can’t risk everything for a lifestyle that won’t last. I’ve been in a similar situation,made the wrong decision and ended up homeless…and I didn’t have children. It was awful.
Trust is essential for a relationship to survive,let alone be happy in it.
Have you room to take in a paying guest?
if he loves you, maybe he would still help you out ….as you helped him all those years ago.

Thanks so much for all of these comments. I am speechless by the support honestly. I’m sorry I haven’t responded, it’s been a rough few days. I have told him that I won’t be moving in with him and have asked him to leave. We’ve had a few long chats about this as he wasn’t willing to just accept me saying no. But I won’t be changing my mind. He’s gone today and I’m feeling very fragile and heartbroken, but I think I will be able to manage and it’s the right thing to do

Only just seen your thread but you've done the right thing.

Well done - of course you'll be fragile at present. Hope you have a good support network.

That is your secure home and he was trying to force you out of it into a precarious situation.

I But did he offer to put your name on the deeds, I suspect not.

Well done OP. Can understand how hard this is, but I do think you are doing the right thing

He wasn't willing to accept you saying 'no' but I imagine he wasn't immediately rectifying the ownership of his home on the deeds.

Well done, OP. You are well rid of the user.

You have every right to feel angry, betrayed and upset. His explanation re not telling you to avoid stress is BS!!!!! If that was the case, your name would be on the deeds. I appreciate that you have come to depend on him financially but this relationship has no future. The mistrust will destroy you. If you aren't in a position to increase your working hours, you may be entitled to support with benefits????? . How did you cope financially before you met him? Please take care, you have been badly hurt and deserve so much more than this.

Honestly OP, I feel a collective sigh of relief on here, he has gone, thank goodness!
We commend your clear headed decision, all good wishes for the future,
your children will be fine, you see, we give good advice on here.

Oh bless you op. Best of luck and well done for seeing this for what it was ❤️

Thank you for coming back to update us. I'm delighted that you avoided falling into a trap, as it was clear he was going behind your back despite your clearly expressed wish years ago to plan a home and joint future together and eventual marriage - which was denied and ignored. I'm not surprised you are feeling dreadful and fragile after such a massive blow but you are very strong and sure in your mind. Well done and I am sure you will find the way to sort things out and will have a better future for you and your children.

So sorry, OP. You've done the right thing. If he meant it, he'd have put your name on the deeds by now rather than lose you. Bastard. ❤️

You will bless yourself in the future. Well done! You ripped the plaster off!

I am glad you told him to leave, as that is in the best interest of you and your children.

I am also sure it hurts like hell that a relationship that YOU invested so much into has turned out like it has. Please remember that the failure of the relationship was NOT on you. You were kind, giving and loving and someone used those wonderful traits to abuse your trust.

You and your children will be fine, even if things are tight for a month or two while you settle into the new budget. I hope you are looking into UC and any other benefits you might be entitled to receive.

You have many, many MNers pulling for you and rooting you on.
Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

I am so sorry that he's treated you like this after all the years that you supported him, but you've taught him the your not just going to be a walk-over. Well done, that took guts. I know you may not feel like it now, and some stranger on the Internet telling you this probably doesn't help, but you're an amazingly strong woman who puts her kids first. You can do this.

Well done @Sevensummers

That sounds hard but I think you have done the right thing by protecting yourself and your DC.

Did he acknowledge any of his appalling behaviour and how what he suggested puts you at a huge risk?

Welll done OP. It can’t have been easy. I’m sure you won’t do this but I’d be asking for a back payment to cover the true cost of him living with you rent free for ten years. I know you said his paid for bills and food but check you are not out of pocket and if you are, ask citizens advice /small claims court.

You sound like a v strong and capable person. You’ve brought up three children as their lone parent while working. You wanted to plan a future with him. He didn’t want to and excluded you. You can hold your head high. I hope you have friends and family who can give you a bit of extra support while you recover and look forward to many happy years in your home. If it helps, I find little things to treat myself can help. Perhaps giving your bedroom a little change around now it’s solely yours. Or planning a lovely day out with your kids over the summer for you all to look forward to. Or maybe a little treat for yourself (haircut, new lipstick or whatever makes you feel good). Little achievable milestones to head towards to avoid being overwhelmed. Don’t let the b’s get you down. Sending strength. Much love xx

Well done @Sevensummers
Please apply for universal credit asap.
and once in receipt of that do the benefits calculator which will advice what other benefits you’ll be entitled to.
mid you get UC you’ll also be entitled to a small amount towards school dinners, free prescriptions and money off council tax (depending what you earn)

I think the rationale is to get op dependent on him AND contributing to his bills/mortgage. Don't do it OP

Sending you a big 🫂 this morning - really well done. The long chats you had with home gave him the perfect opportunity to say what a fool he had been, grovel at your feet and immediately put you on the feeds to give you the security to move in if you still chose to overlook the deception. The fact that he didn't tells you everything you need to know - you absolutely don't need him and are a strong and independent woman who deserves better!

Do not move unless your name is on the deeds. If he wants to move without you then so be it. You’ll find a way to manage financially before and you'll do it again , don’t risk loosing your home.