DP bought us a house without telling me

[Sevensummers]

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

i would not be giving up a social property to live in someone elses house, either he rents it out and lives with you OR he lives in it alone. You are independent and obviously very smart, its a big ask of him to ask you to uproot and get rid of everything you own just to live in his house. and no doubt contribute to his property and lifestyle

I had similar happen to me, gave up my lovely 3 bed council house for him. As soon as he had me in there I was pregnant and being abused before I could even blink, then naturally I had to flee and ended up in a rental after a few months. Now I’m stuck paying £900 in rent every month in a mouldy damp house.

Point I’m making is don’t trust him as far as you can throw him. And don’t give up your HA home for him, trust me I learned that the hard way.

Can you do some universal credit calcs? You’ll get something for your 13yo. And potentially yourself if you’re on a low income, just apply for everything.

After all this time, you should have gone out to view properties together to ensure the house and area feels as right as possible for both of you, so you know you'll both be happy there.

Do not give up your current home. He needs to prove he's been honest. If he wants you there with him and wants a life with you, then he can commit and give you some security, whether that's in terms of marriage or putting your name on the deeds to prove it was meant to be a joint home. If he's not up to that, then the least he can do it let you chose decoration/furnishings prior to moving in.

That is brilliant, and so true!

In fairness, you could say it for a single mum looking for somewhere to live as well.

So, basically we have a bloke living in a van who then seizes an opportunity to live in a house and reluctantly pay a lot less - via shopping and a car - than it would be to rent somewhere himself. This means he can save for a deposit on house.

He knows this will come out when he actually buys said house, so forces a ' surprise reveal' , and a living arrangement that no sane person would agree to.

Nobody buys a surprise house for someone. It's his house, and he's offered you a ridiculous living arrangement that he knows you can't accept. The ' You have to move in first' confirms he has no intention of having you as co-owner.

There are so many threads on this site where women are encouraged to buy a property in their own name unless their partner is paying half. Not a dissenting voice.

That's because it would be right for her and give her security. If he was posting asking for advice people would say the same to him.

The person who owns the house is the only one who has a right to live there if you are not married. It would be foolish to give up a secure HA house in a nice area if you don't have to. The sex of the poster makes no difference.

Yes, I was going to say this too. If you live together his income as well as yours is taken into account when your son/daughter goes to university and they will only get the minimal amount of loan. You will be expected to top them up (or they will have to get a job).

Please leave the toad. He's disgusting and has tried to play you, Please don't give up the security of your home and move in with him, even if he does put you on the deeds.

EXACTLY!! You let a man who lived in a van moved in with your kids, then paid his way for TEN years and now look at where he has left you. Come on, stop making bad decisions.

I’d be telling him to move out right now and I wouldn’t be listening to any of his bullshite.

It's not the same as those other scenarios though – OP didn't even know that paying half towards a property was even an option. If you RTFT properly, which you obviously haven't, you'll see OP confirmed that he didn't pay half of the bills – he only paid for groceries. So, if he hadn't been cock-lodging and only paying towards the food bill for 10 YEARS, she might have had some spare cash to put towards savings. It makes it very much bastard behaviour to watch a mother of three struggle to cover ALL the utilities and the rent month in, month out, for an entire decade while secretly squirrelling away tens of thousands, if not more. Buying a car for a few grand while she's covered everything else bar food does not make him generous, it makes him a stingy A-hole who has got away with the bare minimum. Now he's trying to blackmail OP into giving up the security of her HA property by saying he'll only put her name on the deeds if she moves in. How on earth can she trust him to do that?

Frankly, his behaviour is indefensible.

Has he been contributing to the rent and expense of your current HA home, or just pocketing his savings to pay for the property he has bought in his name?

Please learn from this. You chose not to have your ideal scenario and let him move in months sooner. I'm not having a go, just saying use this for next time.

You can’t just be put on the deeds if he has a mortgage. You would need to be on the mortgage. I would not give up a 3 bed housing association home in a nice area as they are like gold dust and you’d unlikely get that again. Sounds suspicious what he has done anyway. You can still stay together if you love him but definitely don’t move in with him.

Ah. just spotted that this has been dealt with. OP, stay where you are, he only wants someone to contribute to the upkeep of his new house, he is going to get a big shock when he has to pay his own way. You have a secure tenancy and home do not risk losing that for a loser.

So basically he was living in his car, shacked up with you within 2 months of meeting you, paid minimum contributions, which allowed him to save up for his own house.

And he won't put you on the deeds until you give up your secure social house and move in?! Hahahahahaa! He clearly thinks you're a mug!

yes, committing benefit fraud would definitely solve this problem

You're right op. You need to stay put where you are. And end things. He's sly and not to be trusted. He knew how much you wanted this and he's done it all on his own, behind your back, and only in his name! 😡

You will be okay. Go on entitledto website and put your info in. See what help you'd get eg child benefit, UC, etc. like you say you could also maybe get some additional work if you needed to.

I'd also say to encourage your teens to get a little job too when their ages are right to do so, and to help ease the financial burden of all the little extras they want and need. My mum encouraged us all to get part time work and we used it for anything non essential we wanted, plus it helped us learn the value of money and spending wisely etc.

Back to him, has he just been paying for food?!? 🤯😡 I hope not!! If so he's been an absolute cock lodger all this time. 🙄

Do NOT give up your house. My niece gave up a lovely 3 bed social housing property in a very nice area to move her and her 2 children in with her long-term boyfriend. Within a few months he became abusive and she is now in a grotty flat in a run-down area. She is now receiving treatment for depression and her children are miserable. The chances of her ever getting another SH property is zilch. Her life is ruined and he doesn't care a jot.

He's taken the piss for sure, but you think a 3 bed housing association rental has a market value of £2k per month, for him to have saved his half of that?

Don't exaggerate.

If it's not actually gone through yet then it might not go through at all. How do you know it's going to happen? Has he shared mortgage details with you? How long until it is due to go through?

In your position then I wouldn't be moving in there until married and you get your name on the paperwork for the house - and you understand what you would need to pay (and risk of it going up).

As others have said you risk being homeless if you move and the relationship doesn't work out (or if he has miscalculated and he can't afford to pay for the house, or taken out the wrong sort of mortgage and his costs suddenly go up).

Bloody hell! How do you keep that a secret from your partner of 10 years? That is callous & duplicitous.

Was he using you all this time, trying to improve his status? I'm sorry to say, I don't think he was thinking about you when he made this decision & this purchase.

I'm just coming on here to say I'm so sorry this has happened to you. So devastating to think your partner was so false and duplicitous.
You are not the first person this has happened to and you will not be the last.
You have 3 children who sound like they doing well and a home you like and are secure in.
That's a big achievement and you should be proud of yourself
You are a victim of abuse financial and emotional.This type of person is skilled at manipulation and most moral decent people like you cannot conceive of how awful they are.
You've been given lots of advice on here but please get yourself some counselling after you've moved on from him.

@Collaborate The OP did you explain what he’s paid for in one of her updates:

He was paying for food shopping and he also bought me a car outright and was paying the insurance for me. He is on a lot of money so he was able to save

He has never contributed to the rent or household bills ( aside from food). The car does seem a generous gift, but is it registered in her name? If not, that’s his as well!

I appreciate what you’re saying about women being encouraged to buy their own places, but I think it’s the secrecy that’s really upset the OP. He’s been saving while she’s covered almost everything else.

OP he needs to marry you. That's the only way to solve this.

You can't move in without losing your HA place so he's just playing you with this. You'll move in and it will never happen.

If he's been with you that long, it's time he married you and you gain the full legal contract that comes with marriage. Enough already of this selfish git.