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Original poster

DP bought us a house without telling me

307 replies

Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 14:49

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 31/05/2024 19:12

What an utter shitbag for buying a house after 10 years of cohabiting and not telling you anything! He's a cock. If you want to dump him for this point alone - you go for it.

Obviously you do not give up your council house.
Him saying he'll put you on the deeds once you've moved in is bollocks.
You switch it round and say you won't move in unless your name is on the deeds - it's the very least he could do for his deception and his conniving lies

GodspeedJune · 31/05/2024 19:17

He has been a cocklodger and leeched the money that should have been for the security of you and your children.

You’ll be better off without him. It’s a cautionary tale to women who move men in after 5 minutes.

Getonwitit · 31/05/2024 19:20

He lived in a van and found himself someone with a house. He spent 10 years saving money and has now bought a house without telling you ! You have been his savings account.

CestLaVie123 · 31/05/2024 19:31

I'm not from the UK so I don't know how social housing works - but are you allowed to have a housing authority house with someone moving into it who has a high income?

AlanBrendaCelia · 31/05/2024 19:56

ototot · 31/05/2024 17:41

You say he bought you a car - but is it registered in your name or his name?

Because those are 2 very different things.

I'm so glad you aren't giving up yours and your children's home and security, as heartbreaking it is must be right now, if you moved in with him you would be screwed.

good point about whose name the car is registered in. Also, you said you bought the car outright - does the value of the car compare to the amount he saved by living with you? Or has he saved thousands on bills but oh so generously bought you a £500 car?

Whoswhoof · 31/05/2024 20:05

Beyond sneaky!! Call his bluff tell him either it goes in both names, or a deed of trust is written up.

if not it’s curtains.

DO NOT give up your home

FangsForTheMemory · 31/05/2024 20:11

Do not give up your HA tenancy. I know someone who gave up their council tenancy to move in with their partner, and they split up within months. My acquaintance had to move back in with their parents.

ArnottL · 31/05/2024 20:20

When will people realise that 'partner' means nothing? No ring, no nothing.

DodoTired · 31/05/2024 20:21

NoraBattysCurlers · 31/05/2024 18:34

@mrsdineen2, it idepends on where the OP lives.

In many areas of London, £2k per month is not that unusual for a 3-bed house and many singletons are paying £1k per month or more for a one-bed flat. However, the OP did mention that she had a Johnnie Johnson house, so is more likely in the North of England. In this case, the savings are likely to be less.

Either way, the OP was foolish to allow him to move in with her and her children so quickly and to stay rent-free. The OP would be even more foolish to give up her home and move in with him.

Show quote history

In many areas of London even a 2 bed flat is more than 2k! And 3 bed house more like 3K+

AlcoholSwab · 31/05/2024 20:23

Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 14:49

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

He is funding your current lifestyle of a nice house in a good area.

I presume the kids are not his either.

You have two choices.

Move into his new house or move with your two kids to a much cheaper area on your own and rely on the mercy of the welfare system.

dairyfairy21 · 31/05/2024 20:32

Are you married?

If not, get married and move in. It automatically becomes the marital home.
50/50

( not even pre-nups cover the marital home)

If he doesn't want to get married... don't loose your roof!

PossumintheHouse · 31/05/2024 20:34

ArnottL · 31/05/2024 20:20

When will people realise that 'partner' means nothing? No ring, no nothing.

Oh come on. That's just bollocks.

BruFord · 31/05/2024 20:34

He is funding your current lifestyle of a nice house in a good area.

@AlcoholSwab How did you reach that conclusion? The OP is paying the rent and the household bills.
He’s also paying for food but with sone adjustments, the OP will manage.

TypingoftheDead · 31/05/2024 20:37

I agree with PP who said (if you do consider moving in), to say you would only after your name is on the deeds. Also echo the advice to keep your HA house if possible.
I can see how he possibly thinks this is a nice gesture, but it’s an absolutely massive thing to do without telling you. Have you visited the house yet? What would he do if you hated it? Not everyone manages to eventually settle in a place they didn’t like at first.

Pipsquiggle · 31/05/2024 20:40

PossumintheHouse · 31/05/2024 20:34

Oh come on. That's just bollocks.

Show quote history

From a legal standpoint, if you aren't married and not on deeds of the property and separate you are entitled to nothing

Dibbydoos · 31/05/2024 20:41

Reading your post @Sevensummers he's either bought a huge surprise for you and handled it in the worst way possible or you're gut is right. If it were me I'd go with my gut - you were suspicious of him and buying this house has put the nail in the coffin.

I'm so sorry.

In all honesty I think we just make the money work. Do a benefits check on turn2us to find out if youre entitled to help.

Sending a big hug x

AlcoholSwab · 31/05/2024 20:45

GodspeedJune · 31/05/2024 19:17

He has been a cocklodger and leeched the money that should have been for the security of you and your children.

You’ll be better off without him. It’s a cautionary tale to women who move men in after 5 minutes.

The OP clearly states that he pays most of the bills and she can't afford to live at her current address without his help.

I know comprehension isn't very big on here but there is absolutely no way this man counts as a cocklodger if he's paying most of the fucking bills.

He's been very sensible to buy the house in his own name and I seriously doubt he has any intention of putting the OP on the deeds.

She is a single mum who has been given a leg up by this bloke but it looks as if the relationship is coming to an end and a lifestyle adjustment will be required.

Azerothi · 31/05/2024 20:48

AppleStruddle123 · 31/05/2024 18:18

OP he needs to marry you. That's the only way to solve this.

You can't move in without losing your HA place so he's just playing you with this. You'll move in and it will never happen.

If he's been with you that long, it's time he married you and you gain the full legal contract that comes with marriage. Enough already of this selfish git.

I am curious as to how you think the OP is going to force her boyfriend to marry her? It has been ten years she has allowed him to string her along.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 31/05/2024 20:48

“I have told him I want to be added on and he said he will do but not until we move in. But now I don’t trust him.”

You're right not to trust him.
Check the car’s registration document to see if it’s in your name. If it is it’s your car.
Go on one of the benefits checking sites and see what you’ll be entitled to claim.
I’m sure you’ll find a way to do your weekend therapy in time. Don’t try to work out too much right now. One step at a time.

VeryStressedMum · 31/05/2024 20:51

He is funding your current lifestyle of a nice house in a good area.

This was her lifestyle before she met him 10 years ago. He was homeless and after 2 months lived into her nice house in a good area

WalkingaroundJardine · 31/05/2024 20:52

I knew a married couple where the husband bought a house without telling his wife and told her they were moving. She left him too. It’s not a respectful way to treat your other half and people who are that secretive are too risky to have as partners as you never know what scheme they are concocting in their minds.

Smittenkitchen · 31/05/2024 20:53

I'm so sorry OP. I think that's an unforgivable betrayal. He knew exactly what he was doing, I'm sure he's been planning it for 10 years as he watched his savings build up. Just disgusting behaviour. You must be so hurt. But I'm really glad you're feeling encouraged by the thread. Aside from financially, you'll be so much better off without him - someone so lacking in respect and consideration for you and probably for anyone other than himself, by the sound of him. You can do it!

GingerPirate · 31/05/2024 20:54

No, no, no don't do it!
If someone tried to pull such a fucking prank on me, I'd be gone.
Sorry.

Getupat8amnow · 31/05/2024 20:58

What seems like a thousand years ago my exDP did the same to me. Bought a flat without telling me while I had been paying for everything. He was my exDP very soon after his ‘surprise I now have my own flat’. Do not give up your HA house ever.

Channellingsophistication · 31/05/2024 21:01

What he has done is unforgivable. He also didn’t even tell you, you found out by chance.

Do not give up your house. You can’t trust him and he will let you down. He isn’t going to put you on the deeds as it’s very clear that’s not his intention as you would’ve been involved in the house purchase if it was something he wanted for you together.

so sorry you’ve been let down.