DP bought us a house without telling me

[Sevensummers]

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

Thank you everyone, I do actually think I can do this. I was just freaking out and possibly making excuses too. Because it’s hard after all these years to accept that it’s over. If I can get help then I should be able to manage fine, I’m going to have a look at this tonight.

Something feels off about this. Stay where you are.

Nope. Fucking nope. You tell him to put you on the deeds before you move out of your home, if he's serious about the commitment you talk about.
As soon as you move out and move into his home he holds all of the cards. He could easily refuse to add you to the deeds and what can you do about it? You're trapped in that situation.

Joining the crowd saying don't do it.
Something else to think about. Your Uni age child may get more student loan with just your income on the calculation and not a partner who earns more as well.

I’d definitely keep quiet about splitting up until you’re done your research and applied for what you’re entitled to.

Let him carrying on contributing until you’re ready for him to leave. After all, you’ve paid most of his bills for 10 years.

He saved up that money by not paying rent. That savings is as much yours as his. Your name should have been on the house deeds from the start.

I’d be wanting a marriage and to be in the deeds before I considered giving up my HA tenancy.
Have you mentioned any of this to him @Sevensummers?

Please don’t give up your house, if living on your own with your DC is financially impossible is there the option to exchange to a cheaper home?
He has been extremely sneaky and using living with you to save up so he can buy a property. This would be the end of the relationship for me.

Let me get this straight. This man who earns a decent whack has cock-lodged with you for years, watching you scrimp to cover the bills, while he's secretly saved up for deposit for a house that he's refusing to put into your name until you to give up the security of your housing association property?

OP, you are well rid. What an absolute A-hole he is. Once he's gone, see what benefits you're entitled to in the short term. If he was only paying for groceries, you might not be as bad off as you think.

Saving you from the upset of being outbid?! What a knight in shining armour (!). He’s not saved / protected you from any sort of hassle or worry. Everything has been underhand and motivated by his own self interest. He’s invested his money, made himself secure, excluded you from the paperwork, chosen the property and location without involving you and yet claims it’s for both of you, on the basis that he’ll allow you to move into it but not be part of owning it. He’s made you vulnerable in the process because you absolutely cannot not risk being made homeless if your relationship ever has problems. It’s appalling.

Don’t give up your home. If he says he’ll put your name on the Deeds then tell him to do that with you and him with a solicitor.

What a horrible man. Buying a house is a long process, he’s lied to you every day. Every time you said “what did you do today?” for months he’s lied every time he didn’t tell you about talking to solicitors, viewing houses, getting a mortgage. Sounds like he’s contributed far less than he should have over ten years too.

I know it’s awful and huge to think about dumping him after ten years, but I can’t see another way forward.

@UpUpUpU If she wants to continue the relationship, they can see each other while living in their respective homes. No need for her to leave her/her children’s home.

Although you say he's bought a house, which to me that would imply bought outright, is that the case? If not and he's got a substantial mortgage there is no security there at all even if you were on the deeds, if he left or stopped paying the mortgage you're homeless.

I would play along and visit the new house and then declare “actually, I don’t feel it and I’m not going live here’

Wow. So if he earns a decent wage and managed to save £1K a month over 10 years - by living rent free - he would have saved up £120K. I’d bet my bottom dollar it is more than twice that.

Please do not give up your house! Even if his intentions were above board he went ahead and bought a house that only fit HIS vision. Your opinion, needs, taste and input did not count the tiniest bit.

Is the car registered in your name?

Why can't you afford to live in your house?

No decent man would move in with a mother and her 3 children who he's just met, you should've known he was a selfish grabber.

Sounds like you found yourself a cocklodger OP.

Chalk it up to experience, and move on with your head held high.

But please don't be so eager to move another partner in.

A friend of mine split up from her ex who'd cheated on her, listed all of the reasons she couldn't take him back, one of which was the possibility of losing her HA home if she moved in with them and they broke up again.

Several weeks later she'd taken him back and they were already talking about buying a place 🙈 It seems incredibly risky and I worry what might happen if she gives up her place to move in with him. Not sure if she'd get on the deeds or is aware of that side of things, she barely speaks to me now so I hope she's careful and it all works out.

OP, well done on getting yourself out of this situation, he is not to be trusted.

When I said he pretty much moved in straight away, I don’t mean day 1. I was exaggerating but to me it was soon. In my ideal scenario I would’ve waited until about a year for him to move in but it was actually 2 months. He didn’t meet my kids until 2 months in. During that time he would stay over multiple times a week either after the kids were in bed or when they were at their dads. It was summer holidays so they spent half the time at their dads as that was the arrangement. His reason for not having a place to live at the time was because he works away a lot and didn’t want to spend his money on rent etc when he spends a lot of time away in hotels etc.

But this post isn’t about that. I do wish I’d left it longer but I can’t change something I did 10 years ago now. I’m just asking about my current situation here

You say he bought you a car - but is it registered in your name or his name?

Because those are 2 very different things.

I'm so glad you aren't giving up yours and your children's home and security, as heartbreaking it is must be right now, if you moved in with him you would be screwed.

There are so many threads on this site where women are encouraged to buy a property in their own name unless their partner is paying half. Not a dissenting voice.

When the boot is on the other foot then he's a bastard and you must leave him.

Apparently he's a sponger (according to some) who used you to save, though you've not said whether he paid half the rent and half the bills or not. HE also bought you a car, so he's far from stingy.

From where I am you are right to question where you would be if the relationship ends, and you have lost the security of your HA place, but please don't listen to the more hysterical posters telling you he's a twat and you should leave him.