DP bought us a house without telling me

[Sevensummers]

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

Definitely this ^. Do not give up your home. You know that it's over between you. He won't put you on the deeds. There will also be an excuse as to why he can't. You have and will continue to subsidise his house.

Obviously, he couldn’t put you on the papers if you wasn’t aware, perhaps now you are the house could be in both your names, ask him to do that now. If he isn’t willing to then maybe it’s time to move on. Like others have said you can get help with UC etc… A relationship needs to be built on trust and after 10 years he should trust you enough to add your name and maybe get married if he is serious. Personally, I think it although stressful buying a house it is a special event to choose one together, but maybe he did want to surprise you. Do not give up your current home until your name is also on the deeds. Best wishes…

Tell him you're not moving in until your name is on the deeds, and if they aren't- Tell him you won't be signing over your tenancy until your name is on the deeds.

That's when you will fine out his true colours. It sounds like he's also dubious of you because he feels as though you could do him over if you don't move in and your name is on the deeds.

You both have trust issues. Not trusting one another is a sign it is also over, but I also think there is room for more communication.

You both need to sit down and discuss the topic of trust and why you are tip-toeing around one another, why you don't trust one another, and is it really worth throwing away 10 years because of pride? He could be honest and wanted to surprise you - He even bought you a car and you have been financially reliant on him, along with your children. Has he ever been selfish with money?

While what he did was a little bit silly, he still bought you and your children a house.

Thank him for doing this, but Tell him your name needs to be on th3 deeds because you're distressed and anxious.

Please don't move unless your name is on the deeds and you have a deed of trust saying what your share of the house is. That's if you trust him enough to move in anyway.
I learned the hard way that I should have done this years ago - when I left my ex I had to fight for my share of our house because we didn't do a deed of trust and I had paid for 75% of the house. It was my word against his when it came to it and it cost a fortune in legal fees to fight my side which I had to pay for.

Bloody WEIRD behaviour from a partner. Simply not normal.
Do NOT give up your HA home.

Just as an aside, if he puts you on the deeds, and you then split up, you could still lose your HA place as you would own a house. And you cannot live in a HA while owning another property. If they found out they would probably start proceedings to evict

How bout getting married?

Off he trots . Dump him for your own sake

You've been used big time. He's not a nice person.

It also happened to me. Engaged to a man. His company went bankrupt. He moved into my new house, which I had just bought. He was so helpful with the sale, especially as I was working long hours and travelling for job.

Six months later he bought himself a home, which I was quite surprised about, as he'd only recently found a well paying job - and didn't have 6 months salary to show.

But absolutely flabbergasted that he sneakily bought it without me having an inkling that he was even looking for a house.

That ended all trust and the engagement.

It was only 7 years later, when I came to sell my home, that I found out he had put his name on the deeds as a co-owner. Mr so-helpful-with-the-house-sale and solicitor used my house as collateral for his new home. Moronic me signed the papers, where he asked me to sign - not realising what I was signing.

I am so glad I ended the engagement when I ended it. Right when all trust was gone. And at point where I could prove he did not contribute to my home or mortgage in any way.

He signed over "ownership" without fuss, because I would have taken him to court for fraud.

However, I would seek legal advice. If you supported him with free or low-cost accommodation for 10 years with the expectation that savings would go to a joint financial future - you may have a claim.

But if you've both been complicit in hiding the fact that he's been living with you, for the purpose of claiming benefits, you might find yourself in a whole stack of trouble.

Because your name alone is on the home you live in and your name alone is who the benefits are paid to. The authorities will come after you alone.

Yes, marriage would definitely help OP’s legal position- once married, even if only for a short time, the time spent living together as a couple before marriage is taken into account for the purposes of a financial settlement on divorce - so it would be viewed as though they had been married for 10 years.

If unmarried, she would need to have her name on the deeds, and to either own as a joint tenant with her partner or as a tenant in common (so she can leave her share to her children) with the added security of a declaration of trust stating their intention to own in equal shares despite unequal contributions. A cohabitation agreement is always a good idea in this scenario too.

If OP’s name is not on the deeds it would be difficult to establish any share in ownership unless she contributes directly to the cost of the property eg by paying towards the deposit &/or mortgage.

Definitely another vote for not giving up your HA property OP. If he wants to be with you, your financial security will be important to him and he will marry you or put your name on the deeds and draw up a deed of trust stating your intention to own in equal shares. Accept nothing less!

This is really dodgy behaviour.

Keep your current HA home and get rid of the partner...

I could never trust again someone who had done that.

What @Monkin said

As a Social housing tenant, Would you have been able to buy the property you are living in, under Right to Buy. That’s something that seems to have been financially possible with the income two of you would have had. Didn’t this come up in the “serious conversation” you had 5 years ago?

Kids share a room, you get in a lodger or use the spare room to do your therapy at the weekend.
Do that ‘what am I entitled to’ calculator, you might be surprised.
Are the kids doing any work? The older one is, hopefully and should be contributing.
Can you sell the car and buy something less expensive re insurance?
Clearly Mr fucking Devious traitor hasn’t been paying his fair share so anything you jointly bought should stay at your house.

Dear god, don’t move in with him, you have NO protection if he decides to kick you and the kids out.

Your DP has bought a house for himself without telling you xx

If he dropped dead today wouldn't you survive ...Don't ever set your mind in a I need him mode.
You'll be just fine without him.

He bought the house for himself, not for you

Don't give up your tenancy

Don't move in with him! Don't give up your independence for someone who clearly has no respect for you. If you're no longer living with a partner then your benefits should increase so you may not be as worse off as you think. Please put you and your children first, don't risk everything on a dishonest man because I'm not sure he wants you in his future.

You all will be totally at his mercy, please don't give up your HA home with your name on it. It's the roof over you and your kids heads.

NRFT but this has made the tabloids now :( Probably not what OP needs right now

Oh FFS!

You can’t buy Housing Association property with Right to Buy.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all to want to leave him, I would probably do the same. The whole thing seems very sketchy, and if he really wanted to surprise you then he would have put your name on the deed to begin with - that’s what men do when they’re confident in a relationship. If you decide not to break up, then make sure he puts your name on the deed before you give up your current place and make this clear to him too. If you move in before this is done, then you’re putting him in a position of power where things are his way or it’s the highway. Whilst there are a lot of great men out there, you never know how someone will change once they have that kind of power over you. Your main responsibility is your underage kid and you shouldn’t do anything that puts their safety at risk.

My best friend's (male) boyfriend bought a house secretly. It was the end of their relationship. And believe me the boyfriend had done some very despicable things throughout the time they were together, including having multiple affairs and giving my friend two sexually transmitted diseases. But the secret house was the nail in the coffin.

The boyfriend had been living in my friends house for years - similar situation, paying for food and the occasional holiday, all the time squirrelling away lots of money. He even convinced my friend to sell his very nice, huge period flat in a very up and coming area of London for a not so nice place in a shitty area so that the boyfriend could be nearer his work. A week after they moved in, my mate found out about the secret house, they split up and he was left living in a house he didn't particularly like in an area he really did not like at all.

You're best rid. Hard at first but this is a pretty huge betrayal. And if he was really buying it for you as well (IF doing a lot of heavy lifting here) then that shows an odd level of control that you shouldn't be happy with.

You have your home now - don't lose it.

If he hadn't moved in 10 years ago, there would probably have been just enough space for a nice female lodger if you wanted. Who you could have charged monthly rent and thus saved up money yourself. Because he was staying with you and only paying food (plus a car) not a bills or rent you did not save much money - probably you about broke even. Which is a horribly transactional way of looking at a relationship, which is probably why you didn't. But the fact he was able to use the situation to secretly save for himself alone when you thought you were a team is a kick in the teeth.