DP bought us a house without telling me

[Sevensummers]

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

Well, if he understands why you are upset he should sell the house, marry you, and then the two of you can choose one out together.

You would need your head testing if you gave up your secure home to live in his house.

^Liar
^Took advantage of your vulnerability/desparation/loose boundaries/whatever to slide into your children’s home
^Paid below minimum contributions
^Saved his good income while you likely lost your children’s benefits
^Helped you waste a decade, waiting for a commitment that was never coming
^Bought a secret house from savings you subsidised
^Was careless enough to let you‘discover’
^More future faking
^Has no qualms about letting you stupidly squander your children’s secure home on an almost certain empty promise…

I imagine he’s hoping you’ll now be justifiable incensed enough to dump him, so he can’t be accused of using you.

If you’re stupid enough to take him up on his current offer, as it stands, please leave your children the tenancy if possible, so they don’t end up homeless with you.

Go on entitledto.com as you may be entitled to some benefits if he moves out.
Definitely do not move in with him.
If he wants you there he will put you on the deeds before he expects you to give up your house. He hasn't done that which means he only wants you there on his terms and he could kick you out whenever he wanted. Don't do it. 😔

Worse case scenario could you take in a lodger. Anything to keep your house.

I'd be devastated tbh. How deceitful 🥺

Ultimatum time.

Either he puts you on the deeds prior to giving up your tenancy, or you break up. Stand firm and don’t let him talk you into any other option.

I think its one thing to buy a property in your own name, especially where the other person isn't contributing. Its another to do it without even telling them. Especially if previously there had been talk of saving to buy a house together. And the reason why the second person was able to save was because they weren't paying any rent for 10 years while the first person was paying all then rent.

Well he's only got the deposit because he's been living with you for 10 years. Don't give up your house, he can't be trusted and you will lose your security. In the deeds before you move, that or get married.

Sorry this has happened to you, OP. It's such an emotional and financial shock and betrayal of trust. From the beginning he said he didn't want to pay rent when he was working away, hence living in a van. And all along he has been avoiding paying rent ever since.

It's one thing buying a house in secret, expecting you to believe it was meant as a surprise and for both of you to live in, but if putting it in his name only, didn't give the game away, refusing to put your name on until after you move in, certainly does. That's an outrage and he must know that.

It is more than obvious that this is not a proper partnership where you take joint decisions and plan your future together in good faith. To move on his terms means you would give up your security and independence to be subject to someone who would hold the house, wealth and power. It would be extremely foolish to even consider it, no matter what excuses or pie in the sky promises he has come up with.

I'm afraid he has fooled you all this time and it's not your fault, no matter that some berate you for taking him in. It's just that you met someone who is that user character and were in a position to be exploited. It happens to many good and decent people who don't exploit others but take them on trust. It will take time to get over the emotional shock and I am sure you will be able to keep your house and work out how to manage the finances. You will get a discount on your council tax and if you take in a lodger who is a full-time student, that will not affect the discount. You can manage this and get some extra work here and there at weekends and maybe the children can help in some way too, with odd jobs as time goes on and they're a bit older.

Omg! So he has only your car and food to pay for and earns alot, sounds like he has just used your house to save up wtf?? Cheeky bastard. Have you spoken to your family and friends about this? What do they think of him?

As you are effectively de facto, doesn't that mean that this house is essentially your asset too?

What's the legally binding position on property bought whilst in a relationship like yours?

Also, if you suspect he was buying it soley for him, and you aren't typically vulnerable to paranoia, you're probably right... it's a massive betrayal of trust and even if it was a 'surprise', that's is some pretty immature thinking behind it. I suspect that if it was for both of you, it would have both of you on the deeds.

He sounds like the definition of a cocklodger.

It sounds like he wants you to move in to pay towards bills. It's depressing.

Stay where you are OP.

I’d be devastated if my partner did this!! I think it’s fine for people who aren’t married to look out for their own financial security and he probably considered that if the relationship fails then the HA tenancy is in OP’s name. What’s really weird is that he did it all behind OP’s back. This isn’t the behaviour of someone who’s excited to build a future with someone. If I did this I’d fully expect to be dumped

If you do decide to move, please don’t give up your home until you are on the deeds of the new house. I think if he really intended it to also be yours he would have done this from the start. Also, there’s a very logical reason why you wouldn’t want to give up your home if you had no security in the new house. However, there’s no real logical reason why he can’t add you to the deeds now rather than after moving in. If he was intending for it to be also yours from the start then there’s no advantage to putting off adding you yo the deeds. I don’t believe he will add you to them, even if you move.

I’m not surprised you’re upset. What a shock! How disrespectful. What a betrayal of trust. I agree there’s no need to rush to ask him to leave if you can bear it. It’ll be a big adjustment for both you and the kids, if they’ve lived with him for 10 years. So, consider taking time to process it all, figure out ways to manage financially and get yourself emotionally strong to move forward without him. The least he can do is keep contributing until you’re sorted. Looking at the positives, if you had a good relationship for 10 years and it helped you financially, there’s no harm done in the long run. Only a few more years of the kids being dependent on you and then hopefully it’ll get a little easier and (if they still live with you) they should be able to contribute. You have a stable home in your own name (I assume) at an affordable rent where your kids grew up and you seem to enjoy living. Time for the next chapter for you. Hopefully, you can remain friends, especially if he gets on with the kids. Good luck xx

Absolutely, @DodoTired. I do not doubt you.

But I was replying to @mrsdineen2 who did not believe that a 3-bed house could even cost 2K per month to rent.

Yes, I wondered that, @SheepAndSword . She’s always paid the household bills so it would be convenient for him if she continued to do so.

Stay put, OP, your youngest is only 13 and you need to hang onto your stable home.

This. I'd tell him you wanted the enjoyment and excitement of helping to choose your home together. Now he has taken all that away from you and you don't want to move into his house you wanted a joint house you both chose. Ask him why he robbed you of that? I'd not be giving up 3 bedroomed HA house for someone so untrustworthy. I'd be devastated if my DH ever did anything so underhand and sneaky to me. I'd refuse to move.

Don't leave your HA home.

Unless he's purchased the property without a mortgage, you can't just be added to the deeds and expect security. Fantasy. However if he bought it for cash, he can arrange for paperwork regarding a change to the land registry entry ( the deeds) to be sent to you immediately.

His offer to add you to deeds only once you've moved in makes no sense and presents as a control behaviour. As does buying a home without your input, fobbing off your concerns with a silly excuse and offering you conditional security where you are risking everything, he risks nothing.

Take the docs to a solicitor by yourself and get the actual situation explained.

yeah tbh as bad as the situation is with him squirrelling his money away all
these years - I can think of far worse scenarios that occur after moving a man in with young children in the house

Do not give up your housing association house for any one all ever

Exactly! House over dick always!

He won't ever put you on the deeds. It's such a faff and you have to be on the mortgage to be on the deeds so he'd have to remortgage and you'd need to meet the affordability criteria etc. It took us ages to sort ours even though we're married.

Now your eldest has moved out, can you not smarten up his old room a bit and let it to a female lodger? That could bring you in £400-£800 a month depending on where you live.

If you want to stay with this man, can he let his house and continue to live with you?

Do not leave your secure housing.

Your situation contains a number of very serious red flags - please don't ignore them.

Are you writing these posts that are full of untruths and bullshite for attention or is it a total lack of reading comprehension skills.

OP has been paying 90% of the bills for the 10 years they have been together. The cock-lodger has never, ever paid his fair share, which is why HE could save money for a house.

Please stop the lie-filled, totally untrue posts that are either because you want attention or you are just nasty as hell. There has to be something massively wrong with people who do this crap.