Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

[Permanentlydazedandconfused]

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

How is it a double standard ? Most of the threads l’ve seen from women wanting to check their partners’ phones or doing so without permission, seem to be because there are other concerning signs or evidence of something amiss. OP’s situation is totally different. Her partner has allowed his trust issues stemming from past relationships to get to the point where OP has had to leave. And he’s now demanding full access to go through her phone at will as a condition of getting back together. Not remotely the same thing.

Big fat NOPE.

It was a reference to an earlier poster saying that it is not unusual for women to look through their man's phone. Which is largely true (often with a feeble excuse such as I referred to). Even as a man, I do not see that the same way.
I am glad the OP got out, it was a massive red flag. I do share my passwords with gfs and now wife, but unlike the poster I was referring to, I do not see that as a major red flag in the same way.

Don’t bother. He has absolutely no intention of killing himself. It’s a last ditch attempt at controlling the OP. That’s it.

Yes!

Keep well away from this man. He is a manipulative abuser.
Adults checking each others phones is unacceptable and not normal.

Come on!
A man demanding this is far, far more serious than a woman wanting to feel secure. The latter is normal, the former is a massive red flag.

Nope! He's completely nuts.

No, why waste their time on a blatantly empty threat.

He’s a wrong’un and you’ve 100% made the right call to end this.

I'd like to know who the fuck the 2% are that think you're being unreasonable.

So he wants you to live like a prisoner on parole?

Get away from him as fast as you can.

I'm glad you ended it OP. Don't go back no matter how much he grovels. The suicide threat is your warning of who he really is.

He won't kill himself! He will have learned early in life that that is an effective weapon. I wouldn't be surprised if his mum or dad said the same.

All your messages of support have been incredible! I will keep reading them if I have a wobble!!

I’m starting to see what he was like, when I had said to him previously that he was controlling, he was outraged by my comment and said nobody had every said that about him before…he said he was supportive!
He did have the cheek to tell me I was manipulative and even sent me a YouTube link yesterday about using jealousy to manipulate people.

About 6 months into our relationship an ex of his sent him an Instagram post, I didn’t really get to see it as he quickly deleted it but it was something along the lines of boys checking phones and real men didn’t do that…but he had convinced me she crazy and obsessed with him.

I know deep down it would have got worse, he didn’t like me going to the gym without him, he didn’t like me wearing leggings to work.

@Permanentlydazedandconfused Thank goodness you got out of there. Nuts!

He's a weird, potentially dangerous individual.

He does not have a high opinion of you, thinks you are a cheat, seemingly without any justification. Do not allow someone who has this way of thinking - they have the potential to abuse you and do all kinds of things with access to your phone. Honestly, speaking from experience, do not allow this kind of person anywhere near you, your family, children, employment etc. super dangerous.

Sorry OP my guess is he is the one cheating and has a guilty conscience! My ex did this and he was having an affair that was making him paranoid.

And now I see from your update that he was also in contact with his ex - for what whatever reason. He has form for discrediting former partners and labeling them as "crazy". Yeah, no reason not to think he is actually the cheat due to his hypersensitivity and it is would turn out to be projection.

He had nightmare written all over him. Stay strong OP!

Nope, it's just the same, regardless of the sex of the person demanding/expecting it.

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to feel secure - but it is the assumption that you cannot feel secure unless you control somebody else and that, if they object to being controlled, that makes it somehow their fault for your feelings of insecurity.

Of course, you have the absolute right to choose not to get with or stay with somebody with whom you do not feel secure, but you do not have the right to demand security from anybody at all costs, exclusively on your terms - doing so makes you their master and them your possession.

If you don't trust somebody for any reason, that is plenty enough justification for you not being in a relationship with them. What you cannot do is decide that you unequivocally deserve to be in a relationship with them, therefore they are required to do everything you require of them in order to prove themselves worthy of your trust.

Deciding that they don't want to put up with your paranoia any more and so ending the relationship is categorically NOT proof that they were cheating on you. This flawed mindset is going from a bizarre assumption that you were perfect, so they MUST therefore have fallen short in some way.

It is not normal, one adult checking another's phone is ridiculous and controlling, no matter how anyone tries to justify or excuse it

I would start from this assumption as well.

It's the oldest trick in the book to angrily and furiously accuse somebody of trying to do to you what you ARE in fact already actively doing to them: pure DARVO.

You see this mindset on FreeCycle and Facebook Marketplace all the time: the kind of person with the permanently chewed-up face who assumes that you must be trying to rip them off and/or lying in order to offload useless junk on to them - because that is exactly what they would try to do to you.

Indeed it isn't.

Suggesting that it is is also very condescending and infantilising towards women - as though they are naturally far inferior to the wise, calm, mentally-stable men and so simply can't be expected to know or act any better.

I'm so glad you've left him. He sounds dangerous!
Well done OP! You're finally free

Well done OP. If you said yes to this it would only get worse - lots of red flags from threats to harm and dislike of you wearing leggings. No one is entitled to invade your privacy, no one is entitled to tell you what to wear.