Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

[Permanentlydazedandconfused]

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

Ha! Please forward him the link to this thread. Jealous, controlling, needy and completely out of order, @Permanentlydazedandconfused. But you knew that. My DH and I share location data with each other but we’ve been together for 13 years and it’s more so we can see if the other is anywhere near a shop if we’re out of milk or something similar. You’re not hiding your phone from him, but you right not to enable his insecurities either.

My counsellor’s eyebrows would shoot right up at the very suggestion of this 😂. Ruuuuuuuuun!

No, no and no again. The fact that he has trust issues from previous relationships is nothing to do with you - that’s on him and his past partners. This is just the start. If you give him access to your phone what happens when this doesn’t stop his ‘doubts’ and he starts demanding unfettered access to other areas of your life ? What happens when nothing satisfies him? This is how the chain of abuse begins and you’ll end up a prisoner in your relationship while he does as he likes. I would end it - it won’t get any better.

Don't send him this thread. We'll all be ridiculous harpies. And @Permanentlydazedandconfused has made her decision which he should respect without her needing to say look, all my mates agree with me. Own your own decision.

My DH and I never look at one another's phones. Occassionally if we're busy driving and a message comes through, but that's it. Whilst I would have no problem with what's on my phone, if my partner didn't trust me and was only willing to accept the data of tracking my location and checking my phone then it would be a deal breaker.

Good riddance to bad rubbish. This image might be helpful for assessing future relationships.

Every day I work with people who were convinced to do this. A counsellor is far more likely to want him to address his own insecurities than for you to have to change your behaviour to enable him to never have to confront his own problems. I'm sure he's insecure. It's sad. It's also not within anyone's capabilities to solve it, other than his own.

I see the cases where this behaviour has become established, and let me tell you, his suggested strategy would never have worked. It would never be enough. There would always be the messages you might have deleted, or the secret phone he can't find, or the meetings with random men when you said you were going to the supermarket. You can't prove a negative, but he would have forced you to try. You made the right decision not to go there.

Fuck that

Don’t do it, if there’s no trust there’s no relationship. If the trust issues are based on his previous relationships then he needs to work on himself to get past that & not put it on you to alleviate his trust issues. All that will happen is that he finds things that he thinks are dodgy (even when they’re not) & he’ll continually expect you to modify your behaviour to make him feel better even though full access to your phone won’t actually help his trust issues. He needs to control his jealousy not control you

I know his game. It starts with emotional blackmail, 'if you loved me' or 'prove you have done nothing wrong' and it ends up with spying on you trying to catch you in the act.
Glad you are letting him go @Permanentlydazedandconfused you have just saved yourself years of heartache.
Oh how I wish MN had been around years ago. My life would have been different.

Glad you ended it OP. My ex used to look at my phone every day, that was the start of the control, then it turned into verbal and emotional abuse. I'd never ever consent to this in any future relationships.

As a family we all of us have life 360 as it's handy as a previous poster said for knowing how far away DH is from home so I know how to time dinner or that I know he is closer to pick up DD on my office days. Were talking 10 years down the line though, not when we weren't living together and just in dating stages with no kids of our own, absolute red flag and I mean it when I say this guy is no good and you should stay well away.

Do not back down.
Say bye and move on to a calm normal future rather than a controlled depressing one.

OP this is abuse. I’m so sorry you’ve been sucked into this situation. Unfortunately it rarely improves

Is it? Who says?

Dint get back with him or you will end up like me..married to someone exactly the same. I have permanent facial scarring and walk on eggshells a lot of the time

Christ who are the 2% who think controlling, possessive behaviour is acceptable

I believe the phrase is "more red flags than the Chinese revolution "

As others have all said this would only escalate with him needing more and more control and more checking and he would never be satisfied as his paranoia would never be sated.

He'd be constantly imagining that you were cheating no matter how much evidence you could provide to the contrary. You cannot reason with a mentally ill person. The problem is his, not yours. Glad to hear you've ended it.

Wanted to acknowledge your post. That’s really harrowing.I hope you can safely get away from him

Who are these 2% (of women?) who think it’s ok to require/demand your partner share their phone because of misguided insecurities?

run for the hills OP. Run far, run fast. Don’t stop.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. Do you need help to get out?

Tell him to fuck off….and run.

@Permanentlydazedandconfused

You need to hot 🔥 foot out of this toxic mess of a relationship as quickly as you can

It will definitely not get better for sure

However i can guarantee that this kind of man type and toxic dysfunctional co dependency type of dynamic relationship

Will seriously screw up your mind,
the mind games you will have to high jump through all kinds of mind and behaviours whoops ect,

like a flipping gymnastics trapeze act at a circus 🎪 to placate and please him be off the charts wild crazy ,🤪
send you to insanity and back,

for him to only be temporarily feel reassurance until the next time and the next time again for ever more this endless cycle,
in meantime your self esteem cofindence will hit rock bottom,

you will have to give up so much of yourself to please him
you will not reconise even yourself eventually as you will be so confused about yourself and on edge anxious living on egg shells,
as you be a former ghost shadow of the once vibrant happy go lucky person you used to be,
even your family or and friends will not recognise the kind of person you will become with jealous needy man child boyfriend or ex one,

He needs serious intensive therapy sessions as this is likely to be very deep seated insecurities issue,

If it's cause he has had previous ex cheat on him then?
it's his responsibility to address 🤷 this one is
not your issue to address at all..

I see disaster written all over this relationship 😕

Please don't get involved with this kind of man he is not good for you..

“We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone”

It’s mostly his problem.
Why would you want to stay with someone like that?
If I were you, don’t get back with him. He’s hard work !

@Permanentlydazedandconfused
Oops typo mistake omission

I meant to say the mind fuckery games he will expect you to do please him ect,