Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

[Permanentlydazedandconfused]

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

Essentially,yes.

We accept people accidentally looing through their husband's phone. I (man) certainly expect it. I would find a man wanting to do the same very odd.

To be honest the old "If you loved me you'd let me..." is what teenage boys used to say back in the 1970s/1980s when they wanted a shag when their girlfriends said no. It isn't a thing that actual grown ups and normal men say. He sounds like a total man child who hasn't experienced a serious adult relationship at all.

And I seriously doubt that every girlfriend he's ever had has cheated on him. They've all dumped him after realising he's a controlling nut job. And the only way he has rationalised being dumped is that they must have been cheating on him. Obviously nothing to do with him being a controlling nut job that they've all run a mile from.

I’m going no contact with him now and blocked everywhere, I’ve already had threats to say he’ll kill himself.

I would love to send him this thread though!! I obviously won’t!

Please contact the police and ask for them to do a welfare check as he has threatened you with suicide.
This is him abusing you.
Step away and ask the police to deal with him.

Oh the old 'kill himself' threats. Call the police and tell them where he is. No doubt he'll soon change his mind when they show up!

You are not responsible for his actions
You are not responsible for his actions
You are not responsible for his actions
You are not responsible for his actions
You are not responsible for his actions

This is all about control. It’s awful to read.

How can you "accidently" look through someone's phone ?

Who are these "we" that 'accept it' ?

Why on earth would you 'expect it' ? I've never looked through anyone's phone in my life. No-one has ever looked through my phone (except when one of my dc is showing me how to do something in the settings or something I am not sure about - but they don't look through messages.

Bugger that for a lark.

Ah op, I'm sorry he's putting that on you. That's absolutely manipulative and abusive behaviour.

This proves that you made the right decision and actually this guy is in no position to be dating anyone without being harmful to them. It's your right to have privacy. It's your right to end a relationship when you feel its time. His behaviour is out of line and yes I'd log it with police as well.

My ex who I was with for seven years and who I bought a house with cheated on me. I have still never once gone through my husband’s phone, emails, pockets or tracked him. His ex’s behaviour is not something you deserve to face the consequences for. He may argue that ‘you should have nothing to hide’, but you are within your rights to tell him ‘and you have no reason to check.’ Seriously, this is his issue alone and he needs therapy because this is not the way for him to carry on in future relationships. If he’s only able to relax - temporarily, at that - when he’s checked your phone and stalked your location then you’d effectively never have freedom or privacy ever again. I think you’re right to end it. I think once he’d got permission to track you and check your phone, it would be something else. Interrogation about conversations and parties and nights out. What would he be like about the people you work with? The neighbour? Where does it stop?

The death threats are appalling manipulation. You’ve had a lucky escape, OP. Whatever he decides to do is entirely on him. How dare he threaten you like this. Everything is seemingly on you: his trust issues, his need to track you, his need to invade your privacy, his willingness to live. It’s totally unacceptable behaviour. Saying he’ll kill himself if you dare to exercise any autonomy over your life and who you choose to date is the mark of an absolutely awful man. He seriously needs help. He has no idea what a healthy relationship looks like.

You have absolutely done the right thing. This is not about trust issues, it's controlling and abusive behaviour. Don't go back to him whatever he says or promises. His behaviour won't change (he doesn't think he's in the wrong and is using emotional blackmail to force you to do what he wants) This is not love. It's nothing like love. Don't let his threats of suicide sway you - you are not responsible for his actions. Look after yourself lovely 💐

The counsellor would be exploring his issues, not trying to persuade you to do what he says. And, boy, does he have issues! If he's thinking the counsellor would do what he says because he's paying, he's in cloud cuckoo land.

Run as fast as your legs will carry you.

Dump him.

Anyone who holds the entire opposite gender responsible for and accountable for the behaviour of 1 or 2 that may have behaved badly isn't ready to be in a relationship.

It's not your job to reassure him you're not like his cheating ex.

Gawd, can you imagine having to have endless debates over whether there's a secret code in every email, exactly who all your friends are and whether Sam and Jo are male or female, who was at your works Christmas party and did you snog them, etc etc. Life is far too short for that nonsense.

He responded with the fact I wouldn’t back down on this with ‘if you loved me you’d do this one small thing for me, it’s not a big deal’

The obvious answer to that is "if you loved me, you'd trust me".

I used to share location with my wife without thinking on my iPhone. But at some point she started calling me and asking why i was certain places and what i was doing. In the end i just told her i was turning off location sharing. Even when i went in a stag weekend in Brighton. Her checking my location was not helping her trust me. She wasn’t happy about it at all and kicked off for a while but it was just making her more anxious. I’d rather not be with someone than be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust me. Anxiety is so destructive

Ha! I use the phrase ‘more red flags than a semaphore conference’! Adding Chinese revolution to the lexicon.

You have done the right thing. This man is very controlling.

Exactly what I have been thinking, reading this thread! I was a young teenager almost 50 years ago, and even then my response to "If you loved me you would do xyz" was "If you loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do something I don't want to". Why are women, grown adults, still falling for this shite?

No way. He needs to work on his insecurities giving him the phone would be colluding in that.

You are doing the right thing

Fuck him right off cos he sounds like a creep.

My ex didn't want me talking to other men either. What? not even the butcher, baker or a policeman?! Hahaha.

Men checking phones or asking too is controlling, same as women checking or wanting too, but the double standard on here is obvious