Caught brother and sil laughing at my dp behind back

[IRole]

Ok so the title may be slightly exaggerated.

Dp is young but sort of old beyond his years which is fine. But he has to do things his way and is very rigid. Dp and I have spoken about seeking a formal diagnosis for autism as he fits many of the symptoms. Anyway, works for us as I like his planning nature as I am a the opposite.

Recently dp and I had plans with brother and SIL to do an activity. It involved a three hour drive which was perfectly pleasant. Anyway, as we arrived at the destination for this activity Dp just bolts and is like a man on the mission. He is bolting to get said activity going. Now there was no time sensitivity and we had all the time in the world. Any way as I’m trying to tell him to just take in the moment and chill, I catch BIL and sister roll their eyes and start to stifle laughter. It was that type of hysterical laughter which you have to separate to stop. I could see SIL basically motioning at brother to stop looking at her. It was not done in an obnoxious way. But it stung.

100% DP’s behaviour was odd for the group setting and he was not picking up on the social dynamic.

im just hurt. Brother and SIL did reference the behaviour but im embarrassed.

AIBU?

You yourself admit your DP is a little unusual so it's likely that people will notice it and find it funny.
My DH has his quirks and I've definitely seen members of my family laugh or roll their eyes when he behaves in a certain way. I'm not going to get offended on DH's behalf. It's really just a perfectly natural reaction to how he is.

Do you really things to be pointed out in your face? Are you so devoid of sensitivity and life experience?

Are you qualified to diagnose a complete stranger with autism over the internet?

If so, the NHS could really do with your help to keep the waiting lists down.

I am not making a formal diagnosis. If I am in doubt, I would give the party the benefit of the doubt.

It is not fine to laugh at someone just because they are odd. Sound like a bunch of bullies.

The OP was quite clear no one was laughing hysterically

So if you haven't diagnosed this man with autism, can you tell me what you meant when you said earlier...

No, never. Not when it is a disability. It is simply not funny at all.

Which disability has he got, because the OP hasn't mentioned he has one?

If someone behaved oddly, I would give them the benefit of the doubt that they DID have a disability (diagnosed or not) and be kind and not laugh at them just for being odd.

For your benefit, I not am diagnosing anyone, since you appear to be hung up about diagnoses and keep harping about it.

It is not a get of jail free card to say that someone is not diagnosed and laugh at them because they are odd. It is in fact a measly excuse to cover up for poor and childish behaviour.

Fair enough but you're going backwards and forwards talking about disability as though you've decided he has one, and then back to general 'odd behavior'.

This is something that annoys and upsets many ND people.

Just because someone's behaviour is considered 'odd' or rude, does not automatically make them autistic or disabled.

Yes, I see where you are coming from.

I am the last person to diagnose someone. But will give allowance to people who are different.

Some people have it harder than others every single day through no fault of their own. There is no excuse to laugh at the OP's behind his back DP in the way OP's brother and SIL did. The fact that they could not control themselves betrays their immaturity and ignorance.

Yeah fair point actually.

Your brother and SIL are far too old, and far too in the current times, not to know how to behave better.

I'd find their behaviour far more odd, than you dp's, to be honest. You often just know when someone is not NT (not all the time) but sometimes, it is clear. If you suspect someone is ND, you shouldn't be laughing at them, it's really quite mean. To be honest, at the age they're at, if someone behaves a bit oddly, suspected ND or not, it's still mean and bad form to be stifling laughter like that.

I'd be upset too -it's your DP. This wasn't 'my dp did something funny', this is 'my dp was behaving a bit socially awkward/odd & was completely unaware of this & my family almost couldn't control laughing at him'. And honestly I'd find their behaviour really gross and mean spirited. Not people I'd want to associate with.

I've had people do this to me, as in give me a 'look' and start trying to stifle laughter, obviously expecting me to join in, at people behaving a bit oddly in a social context. I've absolutely called them out on it. I know which one I find more socially odd, and it's not your DP.

There's a world of difference between laughing with someone, and laughing at them. Laughing at people is really cruel.

This 💯 It's beyond me why some people on this thread can't seem to grasp that there is a difference between laughing with someone and laughing at them.

I have ADHD and I'm clumsy and make frequent mistakes that I just have to learn to live with, because if I beat myself up for them it would destroy my self esteem.

I'm good at laughing at myself but really hate it when people laugh at me for eg when I've done something like knock over a drink, it happened in training once and the trainer kept saying "how could you do that? How could you not see it?" in front of everyone. As if I'd choose to humiliate myself in front of everyone and have to clean it up whilst everyone stares?

So whilst I don't think I'm made of glass and need to be tiptoed around it would be nice if people could just accept that we are all different and not go out of their way to humiliate and laugh at us.

No, but there is obviously a concern here because the OP has discussed with her DP, the possibility of seeking a diagnosis.

Agree. I think the difference here is whether or not the person in question recognises that their behaviour has caused amusement, and why, and crucially, is able to laugh along. If not, then it’s unacceptable. And if the OP’s sister and BiL had to stifle their laughter, then they clearly knew it was wrong otherwise they would have shared the joke.

@boobyandthebeast that trainer is in need of some training him/herself. What are they trying to achieve by pointing out your accident in front of everyone? Have they no filters or sensitivity? You would be well within your rights to raise this in the feedback on the training. I am so sorry you had to endure that ignorance. I totally agree that nobody should be making you feel bad for being clumsy.

This. It reeked of a private joke, probably some bitching and piss taking in private. If I were OP, I wouldn’t necessarily call them out on it, but I would have the convo that she and he think DP may be in the spectrum and are considering having an assessment to make sure. And then I’d dig the knife in just a little with a comment like ‘but I can trust you guys to be empathetic and considerate, anyway, after all you’d never laugh at him behind his back or anything would you? Being the tolerant, compassionate sorts that you are, and knowing how much DB, you love me, eh?’

If you make a big thing out of such a tiny thing, what happens when big things come along?

It is hurtful. And their behaviour was immature.

IKWYM, but that it was a 'tiny thing' is a matter of opinion. People deserve to be respected regardless of whatever odd quirks they may have.

Although having said that, I'm finding it hard to respect the brother and SIL given their immaturity.

They found it funny, u found it strange no idea y u r making a big thing of it.

His behaviour was funny, they laughed. As you say it was not done in an obnoxious way. I’d let it go.

Sometimes you just find things hilarious and can't stop laughing. I've done it, others have done it to me (very often as I'm a bit odd and laugh along). Some things just tickle our fancy and unfortunately some aren't ideal and appropriate 😕

I'd take a chill pill.

You acknowledge dp's behaviour is out of the ordinary. And you also don't think malice is involved from brother and SIL.

People use humour to try to integrate something they find odd into the normal. They want to joke and jest about it. They want to find a common ground you can all agree on.

You want your partner diagnosed and labelled so everyone treats him like a cottonwool wrapped disabled person, off limits to any jests.

You sound like you don't know dp well enough to know how he'll behave.

If you're worried about how dp is perceived - I'd work out where his comfort zones are. What activities does he feel confident in? Where does he feel confident? How can he be involved and taking an active part, without feeling he has to sort everything out?

Do you as a couple need a dry run to find a fun day out/ activity, before you start inviting others to join in?

Is his attraction to you, the fact you're so disorganised and need helping?

I'd make my priority doing lots of different activities with him alone, so you learn where his strengths and weaknesses lie.

He has to be more than "autism with a pretty face". You have to find common ground in values, goals and integrity.

You also have to respect and trust him, if you're ever considering raising children with him.

If you're looking to be a saviour for a "project" as an ideal man, then there's very little difference between you and low self-esteem women who write to convicted murderers in jail.

Some really odd answers here.No reasonably polite and decent person laughs at someone else, and a brother causing his sister pain for the sake of a quick snigger with his wife is crass and ignorant. I really do hope than no one who seems to find it acceptable is ever in the situation where their partner or child is an object of ridicule, they might not find it all so amusing in that case.