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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caught brother and sil laughing at my dp behind back

237 replies

IRole · 31/05/2024 11:26

Ok so the title may be slightly exaggerated.

Dp is young but sort of old beyond his years which is fine. But he has to do things his way and is very rigid. Dp and I have spoken about seeking a formal diagnosis for autism as he fits many of the symptoms. Anyway, works for us as I like his planning nature as I am a the opposite.

Recently dp and I had plans with brother and SIL to do an activity. It involved a three hour drive which was perfectly pleasant. Anyway, as we arrived at the destination for this activity Dp just bolts and is like a man on the mission. He is bolting to get said activity going. Now there was no time sensitivity and we had all the time in the world. Any way as I’m trying to tell him to just take in the moment and chill, I catch BIL and sister roll their eyes and start to stifle laughter. It was that type of hysterical laughter which you have to separate to stop. I could see SIL basically motioning at brother to stop looking at her. It was not done in an obnoxious way. But it stung.

100% DP’s behaviour was odd for the group setting and he was not picking up on the social dynamic.

im just hurt. Brother and SIL did reference the behaviour but im embarrassed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ilovecleaning · 02/06/2024 01:52

Todaywasbetter · 01/06/2024 14:58

If you make a big thing out of such a tiny thing, what happens when big things come along?

Small things can very easily be very hurtful.

Rosscameasdoody · 02/06/2024 08:06

OldPerson · 01/06/2024 19:59

I'd take a chill pill.

You acknowledge dp's behaviour is out of the ordinary. And you also don't think malice is involved from brother and SIL.

People use humour to try to integrate something they find odd into the normal. They want to joke and jest about it. They want to find a common ground you can all agree on.

You want your partner diagnosed and labelled so everyone treats him like a cottonwool wrapped disabled person, off limits to any jests.

You sound like you don't know dp well enough to know how he'll behave.

If you're worried about how dp is perceived - I'd work out where his comfort zones are. What activities does he feel confident in? Where does he feel confident? How can he be involved and taking an active part, without feeling he has to sort everything out?

Do you as a couple need a dry run to find a fun day out/ activity, before you start inviting others to join in?

Is his attraction to you, the fact you're so disorganised and need helping?

I'd make my priority doing lots of different activities with him alone, so you learn where his strengths and weaknesses lie.

He has to be more than "autism with a pretty face". You have to find common ground in values, goals and integrity.

You also have to respect and trust him, if you're ever considering raising children with him.

If you're looking to be a saviour for a "project" as an ideal man, then there's very little difference between you and low self-esteem women who write to convicted murderers in jail.

OP doesn’t know the reason for her DP’s behaviour, but she suspects there’s a ND condition, as clearly does her DP, as they’ve discussed seeking a diagnosis. Put simply if OP’s sister and BiL had to hide their amusement and stifle laughter then they clearly knew it was wrong otherwise they would have shared the joke.

You’ve made some huge, unfounded and pretty nasty assumptions about OP and her relationship with her DP, accusing her of wanting him labelled as disabled so that humour is off limits. Speaking as a disabled person l find that massively offensive. It’s one thing for a disabled person to be able to laugh along with people, but quite another for people to exclude them from the humour so they can laugh at them, and you don’t seem to appreciate the difference.

OP is hurt by their behaviour because she clearly loves her DP. If he has a ND condition at the root of his behaviour then he is no less deserving of dignity and respect than any other disabled person. You interpret that as her seeing him as a project and herself as his saviour, and you compare her to women who write to murderers in prison. Your entire post is dangerous psychobabble bullshit and if l were you l would ask MN to remove it.

Rosscameasdoody · 02/06/2024 08:10

blueshoes · 31/05/2024 23:44

I am not making a formal diagnosis. If I am in doubt, I would give the party the benefit of the doubt.

It is not fine to laugh at someone just because they are odd. Sound like a bunch of bullies.

Show quote history

Exactly. And only on MN would it be suggested that someone who may well have an ND condition go undiagnosed to keep the pressure off the NHS. There are some absolute bullshit replies here.

pam290358 · 02/06/2024 08:20

Skybluepinky · 01/06/2024 18:52

They found it funny, u found it strange no idea y u r making a big thing of it.

Because she and her DP suspect he has a ND condition and have discussed seeking a diagnosis. That indicates a problem far beyond ‘funny’ behaviour. Laughing at something momentary and one off is very different from laughing at behaviour that the person has no control over for reasons of disability.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 02/06/2024 09:39

OldPerson · 01/06/2024 19:59

I'd take a chill pill.

You acknowledge dp's behaviour is out of the ordinary. And you also don't think malice is involved from brother and SIL.

People use humour to try to integrate something they find odd into the normal. They want to joke and jest about it. They want to find a common ground you can all agree on.

You want your partner diagnosed and labelled so everyone treats him like a cottonwool wrapped disabled person, off limits to any jests.

You sound like you don't know dp well enough to know how he'll behave.

If you're worried about how dp is perceived - I'd work out where his comfort zones are. What activities does he feel confident in? Where does he feel confident? How can he be involved and taking an active part, without feeling he has to sort everything out?

Do you as a couple need a dry run to find a fun day out/ activity, before you start inviting others to join in?

Is his attraction to you, the fact you're so disorganised and need helping?

I'd make my priority doing lots of different activities with him alone, so you learn where his strengths and weaknesses lie.

He has to be more than "autism with a pretty face". You have to find common ground in values, goals and integrity.

You also have to respect and trust him, if you're ever considering raising children with him.

If you're looking to be a saviour for a "project" as an ideal man, then there's very little difference between you and low self-esteem women who write to convicted murderers in jail.

I agree with a pp, you've made some really nasty and wrong-headed assumptions here. Did you get out of bed on the wrong side yesterday?

user1471505356 · 02/06/2024 09:58

TwattyMcFuckFace · 31/05/2024 11:37

The OP doesn't know if she has an 'asd man' though.

Therefore, it's unlikely the OP's brother and SIL would know one way or the other either.

Infact they may not even know it's suspected.

Show quote history

Some times outsiders can see the obvious.

pollymere · 02/06/2024 10:40

Time to raise an eyebrow and say "Rude".

SnozPoz · 02/06/2024 12:05

I think you might be being a little over sensitive. We all have our quirks and a bit of teasing/ laughing at ourselves and our loved ones is fine. However, clearly it has upset you, so maybe you should have a quiet chat with your sister and tell her that you think DP might be on the spectrum, but you're serious about him and it hurts when she and BiL have a laugh at his expense. She may not have realised this about him.

Sunnytwobridges · 02/06/2024 14:06

I’m very very sensitive to things like this because I have been made fun of as a kid and as an adult (I’m NT as far as I know). But I think context matters. If they knew he was on the spectrum and they were stifling laughs in a mean spirited way that would be hurtful and I would have to say something.

however if they don’t know his background I would let it go but keep an eye out. If I didn’t know about his background I would’ve been more WTF? Cause I wouldn’t expect a grown man to dash out of the car like that that.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 02/06/2024 15:12

We all have our quirks and a bit of teasing/ laughing at ourselves and our loved ones is fine.

It depends. I have lifelong self-esteem issues due to the merciless teasing I received from my father growing up, which as a child I was gaslighted into believing 'affectionate' but was designed to make me look stupid and get embarrassed. The look of glee on his face as soon as I did get embarrassed gave it away every time. As an adult I've seen other people gaslighted in the same way many times - 'can't you take a joke?' 'We tease you because we love you' etc. which, admittedly, is often true, but imo you can tell a mile off by the teaser's expression whether their motives are benign or not.

The impression I'm getting from OP is that these two knew darned well that their laughter was unkind, and it wasn't being done affectionately. Otherwise, as pps have said, they wouldn't have had the impulse to cover the laughter.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 02/06/2024 15:13

Also, 'don't be oversensitive' is one of the many gems trotted out in the kinds of scenario I mentioned in my pp. Just saying.

fieldsofbutterflies · 02/06/2024 15:14

SnozPoz · 02/06/2024 12:05

I think you might be being a little over sensitive. We all have our quirks and a bit of teasing/ laughing at ourselves and our loved ones is fine. However, clearly it has upset you, so maybe you should have a quiet chat with your sister and tell her that you think DP might be on the spectrum, but you're serious about him and it hurts when she and BiL have a laugh at his expense. She may not have realised this about him.

Teasing and laughing is only okay if everyone is happy, though. If they're not, it's just unpleasant and borders on bullying.

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