Page 6 | Caught brother and sil laughing at my dp behind back

user1492809438 · 31/05/2024 15:37

they are very immature and lacking in empathy/kindness.

Screamingabdabz · 31/05/2024 15:47

My adult son does this. Races ahead and tries to herd us like cattle. Taking the absolute piss and laughing about it is the only way to get him to see what he’s doing and bring him back to the mainstream group dynamic. Having one person’s odd character dominating a group activity is not good.

Likewhatever · 31/05/2024 15:52

Sniggering behind someone’s back is rude and juvenile. Try not to feel hurt, they’re the ones at fault. I hope your DP didn’t notice (sorry if I missed that, skim read!)

quantmum · 31/05/2024 15:54

IRole · 31/05/2024 11:26

Ok so the title may be slightly exaggerated.

Dp is young but sort of old beyond his years which is fine. But he has to do things his way and is very rigid. Dp and I have spoken about seeking a formal diagnosis for autism as he fits many of the symptoms. Anyway, works for us as I like his planning nature as I am a the opposite.

Recently dp and I had plans with brother and SIL to do an activity. It involved a three hour drive which was perfectly pleasant. Anyway, as we arrived at the destination for this activity Dp just bolts and is like a man on the mission. He is bolting to get said activity going. Now there was no time sensitivity and we had all the time in the world. Any way as I’m trying to tell him to just take in the moment and chill, I catch BIL and sister roll their eyes and start to stifle laughter. It was that type of hysterical laughter which you have to separate to stop. I could see SIL basically motioning at brother to stop looking at her. It was not done in an obnoxious way. But it stung.

100% DP’s behaviour was odd for the group setting and he was not picking up on the social dynamic.

im just hurt. Brother and SIL did reference the behaviour but im embarrassed.

AIBU?

Hi OP, I can see why you'd feel a bit hurt - I've a child with ASD and can imagine this happening. Have you mentioned anything to your brother and SIL about your dp possibly being autistic?

I think I'd have a word and enlist their help a bit - you can say you saw them trying not to laugh and tell them part of it can be perseveration, getting very focussed on plans and activities and sometimes not picking up on social communication cues or NT ways of doing things. It might make it easier for your brother and your dp to get along a little better, as your brother might understand where your dp is coming from.

And for your dp, you could help things along a little by anticipating these sort of situations in future - as in, with that recent incident, you might have had a chat beforehand about when you arrive, you won't be going directly into the activity but will probably need to chat first.

Startingagainandagain · 31/05/2024 15:54

Yet another ableist thread and people being told that the OP should be OK with their behaviour because it was 'funny'.

Would it be OK for them to laugh at a child with Down's syndrome? someone in a wheelchair? of course not.

Yet, in this thread it seems OK to laugh at someone who has autism and is behaving in a way which is completely natural to them...

I am so tired at this type of attitude.

OP, I would have a talk with your family member and make it clear that yes your partner has a specific condition that means he behaves in certain ways.

But that you love that person just as he is and that you won't tolerate anyone making fun of him because that is disrespectful and hurtful to him and to you.

Nip that in the bud and distance yourself if they continue to mock him.

Todaywasbetter · 31/05/2024 15:59

Why would you laugh at a downs syndrome child or someone with a wheelchair? The behaviour of your DP was funny. He hasn’t got a diagnosed condition that everyone knows about. He’s an adult and adults learn to moderate their behaviour by the reactions of those around them. That’s why I stopped walking round the street naked.

saraclara · 31/05/2024 15:59

Startingagainandagain · 31/05/2024 15:54

Yet another ableist thread and people being told that the OP should be OK with their behaviour because it was 'funny'.

Would it be OK for them to laugh at a child with Down's syndrome? someone in a wheelchair? of course not.

Yet, in this thread it seems OK to laugh at someone who has autism and is behaving in a way which is completely natural to them...

I am so tired at this type of attitude.

OP, I would have a talk with your family member and make it clear that yes your partner has a specific condition that means he behaves in certain ways.

But that you love that person just as he is and that you won't tolerate anyone making fun of him because that is disrespectful and hurtful to him and to you.

Nip that in the bud and distance yourself if they continue to mock him.

The brother and SIL have no idea that he might be autistic. So their behaviour is nothing like mocking someone with Downs or someone in a wheelchair

They just saw him make a dash for the activity, and OP trying to catch up with him and thought it was funny.

Bobbotgegrinch · 31/05/2024 16:04

You're massively overthinking this @IRole .

Your partner did something unintentionally funny, which made them laugh. They tried not to laugh because they didn't want to embarrass your partner, but got stuck in a giggle loop.

No-one meant to hurt anyone, it was just human nature. Try your best to forget about it, because you're the only one making it a big thing.

fieldsofbutterflies · 31/05/2024 16:20

The brother and SIL have no idea that he might be autistic. So their behaviour is nothing like mocking someone with Downs or someone in a wheelchair

Maybe have a think about how they sentence comes across 😬

CharlotteBog · 31/05/2024 16:23

Yet, in this thread it seems OK to laugh at someone who has autism and is behaving in a way which is completely natural to them...

The OP has not said her partner has autism.
So you haven't read the thread properly ie. you've made a mistake or a misinformed judgement.
Which is exactly what the ILs did - they laughed at something they thought was funny and then felt embarrassed when they were seen, because it's not kind to laugh at someone else's expense.

Boomer55 · 31/05/2024 16:23

saraclara · 31/05/2024 15:59

The brother and SIL have no idea that he might be autistic. So their behaviour is nothing like mocking someone with Downs or someone in a wheelchair

They just saw him make a dash for the activity, and OP trying to catch up with him and thought it was funny.

Show quote history

Not quite.

Rosscameasdoody · 31/05/2024 16:24

Startingagainandagain · 31/05/2024 15:54

Yet another ableist thread and people being told that the OP should be OK with their behaviour because it was 'funny'.

Would it be OK for them to laugh at a child with Down's syndrome? someone in a wheelchair? of course not.

Yet, in this thread it seems OK to laugh at someone who has autism and is behaving in a way which is completely natural to them...

I am so tired at this type of attitude.

OP, I would have a talk with your family member and make it clear that yes your partner has a specific condition that means he behaves in certain ways.

But that you love that person just as he is and that you won't tolerate anyone making fun of him because that is disrespectful and hurtful to him and to you.

Nip that in the bud and distance yourself if they continue to mock him.

Yep, this. Typical of MN - blasting posters on one disability thread, for using descriptive factual phrases like ‘confined to a wheelchair’ to describe someone, but having no problem with someone laughing at odd behaviour behind someone’s back. OP says they have discussed trying to get a diagnosis for her DP so there’s obviously a possibility of autism or similar. They may not have meant to cause offence but they clearly weren’t discreet or OP wouldn’t have seen it. That in itself is unacceptable. I know OP says it wasn’t obnoxious but given the circumstances and the possibility that it is down to a condition, I don’t see how it can be anything else. Juvenile and rude.

MangshorJhol · 31/05/2024 16:24

DH is autistic. I am pretty sure everyone finds him odd including my parents. He’s also never fully broken the ice with my best friend and her DH and we have been together for 22 years. He is shy and reserved as well whereas I am really not. But everyone also knows him as a kind man who is brilliant at his job and is a great husband and father. Am I protective? Yes. When we were younger I used to try and mould him to fit, give him clues and nudges. Now I don’t. He is who he is. He’s my very lovely husband and it’s okay. I would let it go.

MangshorJhol · 31/05/2024 16:27

Also wrt to DH he will also tell you that he can do daft things. We are human. We do batshit stuff sometimes. It may be his autism or it may not. We can never know because DH can’t turn his autism on and off. I won’t mock DH for his sensory stuff but when he’s being a numpty I am happy to tell him and we are happy to have a giggle.

TSMWEL · 31/05/2024 16:38

Lemsipper · 31/05/2024 13:47

….but you don’t know what they were laughing at? Perhaps they were laughing at you for trying to nanny his behaviour?

I was going to say this too, how on earth do you know what they were laughing at?

FrivolousKitchenRollUse · 31/05/2024 16:59

IRole · 31/05/2024 14:16

I 100% know it was not mean spirited. I was literally chasing after DP (maybe a step or two behind) but having to sort of jog to catch up. Dp was acting like we were in some sort of race.

I turned around to check if my brother and SIL had kept up and just saw them trailing behind suppressing laughter. It was very manic to begin with as we left the car.

I think I I would find it less hurtful if they had just be open in their bemusement. Why feel the need to hide it?

Edited

From what you describe, they could well have been laughing more at the situation than your DP specifically.

Either way, I think most would have struggled to keep a straight face. Only you can decide if it was out of nastiness or not and if you don't think it was then there's really no need for this headspace you're giving it.

PollyPut · 31/05/2024 17:13

@IRole I do think the eye roll is rude but honestly wouldn't make a big deal out of it; you can either ignore this or blow it out of all proportion. I suggest you do the former

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 31/05/2024 17:35

They'd probably just had a conversation in the car about him doing exactly that and then he did so it was funny. I wouldn't think anything more of it.

Marplesyrup · 31/05/2024 17:36

Rightly or wrongly and going against the opinion of many, I would feel as you do OP and don’t feel you’re overreacting. I would feel a little bit hurt and let down by my brother who I would expect to have more loyalty in this situation, particularly if I was close to him. But if it were me, I wouldn’t do anything about it, I would just carry on as normal in the knowledge that my brother and SIL obviously have an a bit of a laugh at my husband’s expense when they’re on their own and on this occasion, they couldn’t contain their giggles. But I’d be hurt.

MumblesParty · 31/05/2024 17:39

Startingagainandagain · 31/05/2024 15:54

Yet another ableist thread and people being told that the OP should be OK with their behaviour because it was 'funny'.

Would it be OK for them to laugh at a child with Down's syndrome? someone in a wheelchair? of course not.

Yet, in this thread it seems OK to laugh at someone who has autism and is behaving in a way which is completely natural to them...

I am so tired at this type of attitude.

OP, I would have a talk with your family member and make it clear that yes your partner has a specific condition that means he behaves in certain ways.

But that you love that person just as he is and that you won't tolerate anyone making fun of him because that is disrespectful and hurtful to him and to you.

Nip that in the bud and distance yourself if they continue to mock him.

@Startingagainandagain OP’s partner doesn’t have autism. OP says he has some features, but there isn’t a diagnosis.

silverfullmoon · 31/05/2024 17:43

TSMWEL · 31/05/2024 16:38

I was going to say this too, how on earth do you know what they were laughing at?

Show quote history

This. You are assuming they were laughing at your partner. Maybe they were actually laughing at your reaction and the fact you were trying to catch up with him or telling him to relax and he completely ignored you.

easylikeasundaymorn · 31/05/2024 17:56

IRole · 31/05/2024 14:16

I 100% know it was not mean spirited. I was literally chasing after DP (maybe a step or two behind) but having to sort of jog to catch up. Dp was acting like we were in some sort of race.

I turned around to check if my brother and SIL had kept up and just saw them trailing behind suppressing laughter. It was very manic to begin with as we left the car.

I think I I would find it less hurtful if they had just be open in their bemusement. Why feel the need to hide it?

Edited

I'm sorry but it DOES sound funny - a grown man just running off apropos of nothing and girlfriend chasing after him - it is weird!
You accept he was behaving oddly
Its normal to laugh at something funny. It sounds like they were doing it in an affectionate way rather than a mean way - they weren't making fun of him or doing impressions or saying something sarcastic
Therefore its really hard to see what they did 'wrong'

Perhaps they thought they were being kinder by trying to stifle it. Or perhaps they were actually just laughing normally and it was your impression (because you were a bit embarrassed by DPs behaviour) tha they were trying to hide it - contrary to internet slang it's actually quite hard to laugh out loud and most people, unless something is pants-wettingly hilarious, tend to do more of a quiet giggle/laugh naturally, particularly if they are also trying to walk or do something else at the same time.

I honestly think you are really overthinking this. You spent a whole day together and had a long drive and an activity, all of which presumably went really well with no issues, yet this tiny thing is the part you are picking on?

Rosscameasdoody · 31/05/2024 18:30

CharlotteBog · 31/05/2024 16:23

Yet, in this thread it seems OK to laugh at someone who has autism and is behaving in a way which is completely natural to them...

The OP has not said her partner has autism.
So you haven't read the thread properly ie. you've made a mistake or a misinformed judgement.
Which is exactly what the ILs did - they laughed at something they thought was funny and then felt embarrassed when they were seen, because it's not kind to laugh at someone else's expense.

No mistake. OP clearly said she and her DP have discussed trying to get a diagnosis for him because of his behaviour. And autism and associated conditions are well in the public domain these days. No excuse for juvenile and hurtful behaviour. If OP saw it, they obviously didn’t even attempt to disguise it and that in itself isn’t acceptable.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 31/05/2024 18:40

Wow. 71% think it's OK to laugh at people behind their backs?

Phantasmagorically · 31/05/2024 18:41

Tbh I think I might have laughed too. Him running full pelt when there was no need to rush, you jogging to try and catch up with him. Him not slowing down for you. I can see it might have looked a comedic scene. Sometimes you just get the hysterical giggles and the laughter can be contagious when there's two of you at it.

Can't believe someone is telling you to avoid your bro and sil from now on. That gets a massive eye roll from me.