Caught brother and sil laughing at my dp behind back

[IRole]

Ok so the title may be slightly exaggerated.

Dp is young but sort of old beyond his years which is fine. But he has to do things his way and is very rigid. Dp and I have spoken about seeking a formal diagnosis for autism as he fits many of the symptoms. Anyway, works for us as I like his planning nature as I am a the opposite.

Recently dp and I had plans with brother and SIL to do an activity. It involved a three hour drive which was perfectly pleasant. Anyway, as we arrived at the destination for this activity Dp just bolts and is like a man on the mission. He is bolting to get said activity going. Now there was no time sensitivity and we had all the time in the world. Any way as I’m trying to tell him to just take in the moment and chill, I catch BIL and sister roll their eyes and start to stifle laughter. It was that type of hysterical laughter which you have to separate to stop. I could see SIL basically motioning at brother to stop looking at her. It was not done in an obnoxious way. But it stung.

100% DP’s behaviour was odd for the group setting and he was not picking up on the social dynamic.

im just hurt. Brother and SIL did reference the behaviour but im embarrassed.

AIBU?

I assume the people on here who think that it's fine are the parents of the "dc" who laugh and smirk at my autistic ds in the playground.
They sound incredibly childish (to say the least) op.

Sprinting away from people you've travelled with to do an activity together is hardly the epitome of kindness either. People often laugh when they feel uncomfortable and they were certainly in a strange situation.

That's an overreaction.

Come on now. He isn’t diagnosed autistic, she doesn’t know if he is, they certainly don’t, no one is encouraging folks to laugh at autistic people. Simply in this context he did something that made them laugh, and it wasn’t unkind.

YABU. My BIL is in the process of getting an autism diagnosis. He has his quirks and sounds similar to your DH re timings and marching on etc. We've just been on a weekend away with him and the rest of the family. A couple of times we made light of what he was doing because if we didn't, we would be annoyed and not spend time with him because he does absolutely drive us up the wall sometimes.

This person isn't even diagnosed yet people are running with that. Typical. So what now? Everyone who acts odd/rude/ awkward must be assumed to be on the spectrum?

I can see why you having to streak behind a DC at full pelt could be an amusing spectacle, and I'm aware that you cant plan or control what you laugh at.
I think you're being a bit sensitive OP, sometimes people laugh at what they see, rather than cruelly at an individual.

@RitaFires no, it's not kind but the answer is to say something to them, not laugh behind their back - especially when that person is suspected of being neurodivergent.

Obviously no one discourages them either - otherwise there wouldn't be so many "adults" who still behave in this way, or think it's OK to.

How can they say something to him in that moment? He literally ran away from them.

@RitaFires so you wait a couple of minutes or call out after him - no need to laugh about him behind his back.

The thing is, we often laugh inadvertently when someone behaves outside of social norms, and it sounds like that's what happened here, and they immediately checked themselves. It's not very nice that that slipped through, and it sounds like they didn't want to upset you or him, but unfortunately sometimes small things do go through, I have to try very hard not to roll my eyes in meetings, and I can't catch my good colleague's gaze, as if I do, I will start laughing when a particular colleague starts their monologue. I'm sure occasionally people roll their eyes at me.

If they do it again, call them on it. If it was an inadvertent and quickly stifled hysterical laughter, probably out of the social stress of the situation, I'd let it go.

In fact, thinking about it, I know people have glanced at each other sometimes when I've been speaking on a subject I go on and on about. Not everyone is for everyone, and if they are usually welcoming and fun with him, it's not a big issue, if they do it deliberately or frequently, that is more unpleasant and needs directly addressing.

You cannot control what others think though about you in public, I give public lectures sometimes and I know a few people will think I'm a bit much or a twat but that can't be helped, people do think things about other people and their behaviour.

@something2say how do you know OP’s brother and SIL have perfect lives?

@fieldsofbutterflies I think you're holding the brother and SIL to too high a standard. It's not possible to always behave perfectly. They were in a surprising situation where OP's partner and OP sped off ahead of them so there wasn't really an opportunity to all speak about it right away. OP admits she doesn't think it was mean spirited, they might have felt embarrassed about addressing it once they caught up, that doesn't make them bad people.

So what actually happened Op?

He bolted & you're jogging behind him telling him to "take in the moment & chill"?

If that's what happened I would probably have laughed at that situation.

@RitaFires I never said they were bad people, I said their behaviour was unkind.

@fieldsofbutterflies I don't think they were actively intending to be unkind any more than OP's partner was, so I think you're judging them too harshly.

Oh cmon OP. You’ve just said that there isn’t the level of comfort/closeness between them to take the piss out of him and yet in a previous reply you said

“I think I would find it less hurtful if they had just be open in their bemusement. Why feel the need to hide it?”

you’ve explained exactly why they tried to hide it. had they openly laughed/were bemused you would 100% be on here complaining because they’re not close enough to be bemused to his face.

If OPs do was very overweight and they saw him walking ahead and laughed would that be ok? Would he need a diagnosis of “fat” for it to be unkind? It’s horrible to laugh at people and this is his family.

Honestly OP I think it stung because it was horrid of them to laugh at him. Just say to them “you really upset me laughing at dp “ It will give them a chance to apologise and the heads up that they are hurting your feelings. Then just ignore it and hopefully they will be more polite going forward.

I think I I would find it less hurtful if they had just be open in their bemusement. Why feel the need to hide it?

For exactly all the reasons given in this thread.
It's not kind to laugh AT people, especially if they have a condition which makes them behave in unconventional/irregular/unpredictable/"silly" ways.

The thing is, people do funny things. They fall in hedges, they drop ice creams, they fart, they make spoonerisms which sound rude, they sing badly.

An onlooker may not know whether that person has a condition which means they are clumsy or lack self-awareness, or have a speech delay etc.

When they realise they are laughing at something they shouldn't they feel embarrassed and/or ashamed.

Your ILs either needed to not find what your DP did as funny or they needed to suppress their laughter or they needed to apologise to you and your DP for laughing at him.
I don't know what the right answer is.

I don't think it's harsh to say that laughing at someone is unkind behaviour.

That doesn't make them bad or nasty as people.

I'm quite 'quirky'. I have ADHD, starting to think lately that there's more at play though.

Some of my friends think my quirks are hilarious and as another poster said 'endearing'. The fact they might be funny actually made me feel so much more accepted and comfortable.

I'm sure sometimes they've laughed if I wasn't able to hear it, what are they supposed to do? Call me over so that I am aware they're laughing at something I've done or said 🤔

I'm just picturing something out of a carry on film. Dp running, you running behind him trying to keep up. I'd probably laugh too.

But he doesn't have a diagnosis. OP and her partner have only spoken about it. So her brother and SIL aren't to know.

And can people not find something that is funny, a bit funny. Behaviours can still be funny in a certain context even if the person themselves don't mean them to be.