Caught brother and sil laughing at my dp behind back

[IRole]

Ok so the title may be slightly exaggerated.

Dp is young but sort of old beyond his years which is fine. But he has to do things his way and is very rigid. Dp and I have spoken about seeking a formal diagnosis for autism as he fits many of the symptoms. Anyway, works for us as I like his planning nature as I am a the opposite.

Recently dp and I had plans with brother and SIL to do an activity. It involved a three hour drive which was perfectly pleasant. Anyway, as we arrived at the destination for this activity Dp just bolts and is like a man on the mission. He is bolting to get said activity going. Now there was no time sensitivity and we had all the time in the world. Any way as I’m trying to tell him to just take in the moment and chill, I catch BIL and sister roll their eyes and start to stifle laughter. It was that type of hysterical laughter which you have to separate to stop. I could see SIL basically motioning at brother to stop looking at her. It was not done in an obnoxious way. But it stung.

100% DP’s behaviour was odd for the group setting and he was not picking up on the social dynamic.

im just hurt. Brother and SIL did reference the behaviour but im embarrassed.

AIBU?

I'm autistic. I do weird stuff sometimes. If people are going to be compelled to laugh at me (and honestly, I don't blame them) then I'd rather they spared my feelings by at least trying to hide it. That in itself shows consideration.

<shrugs>

Your brother and SIL are very childish and immature. Was it THAT hilarious? They sound like they could be bullies in their ignorance and stupidity.

I would not find a disability so uproariously funny to the point I could not control myself.

Very angry on your and your DP's behalf.

there's something patronising about the idea that an autistic person must never be laughed at because they're 'disabled'.

Would it be OK for them to laugh at a child with Down's syndrome? someone in a wheelchair? of course not.

My aunt has Down Syndrome. She has lived in our family home for over 40 years. We regularly laugh at things she says and does. We also often laugh with her. She laughs at things we do.

I have a friend in a wheelchair and we constantly laugh at each other and poke fun at each other. We both poke fun at her disability. We both poke fun at random things about me.

So to answer your question, yes! Yes it would be ok to laugh at people with Down Syndrome. And yes it would be ok to laugh at someone in a wheelchair. By not laughing you are in fact singling them out and treating them differently to other people in your family, social group etc.

It's not about never laughing at their quirks, it's about not doing it behind their backs.

I'm autistic and do lots of "odd" things - people close to me often rib me about it but they do it in a nice way. If I found out they were taking the mick behind my back I would be really upset.

People make fun of all sorts of people without that person necessarily knowing. Most people have probably spoken in not very flattering terms about a work colleague for example, or a family member, or a neighbour etc.

It's human nature. OP's BF did something a bit off and out of character. Probably caught brother and SIL off guard. Have you never sniggered inappropriately at something? Knowing you probably shouldn't laugh but not able? Have you never got an uncontrollable fit of giggles over something ridiculously childish?

Your examples are laughing with someone with a disability, because it is a shared activity, even if what you are laughing about is quirks about their disability. You have to be friends with someone to do this and know where the limits are.

That is fundamentally different from laughing at someone's disability behind their back, even to the point they cannot control themselves. You can literally do this to anyone whether you know them or not.

Big difference. It is not at all patronising to say this.

It's human nature. OP's BF did something a bit off and out of character. Probably caught brother and SIL off guard. Have you never sniggered inappropriately at something? Knowing you probably shouldn't laugh but not able? Have you never got an uncontrollable fit of giggles over something ridiculously childish?

No, never. Not when it is a disability. It is simply not funny at all.

We have sometimes laughed at my aunt behind her back. Because she has said something or done something that she doesn't realise is funny and one of us tells the others. She wouldn't even understand if we told her what was funny. We also sometimes give out about her behind her back because she's a human who sometimes annoys us!

Of course I have, but that doesn't mean it's not unkind behaviour.

You don't sound like a very nice person. I am sure you will get over it.

We're a family. Sometimes we get annoyed at each other. Sometimes we talk to each other about one of the others. Mostly we get on very well.

I think I'm just more honest than some of the perfect posters on here 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me it's not even about the possible autism, it's just not nice to laugh at anyone behind their back. And it's depressing to see so many people on this thread making the 'it's human nature/sometimes you can't help it' excuse. Grown adults should be capable of controlling their behaviour.

Their behaviour is on them. Call them our.

God, the world would be boring if we were all the same, wouldn't it but still far too many people that think anyone different deserves ridicule. Shame on them. They will hopefully grow up!

Is this what you wanted op, some folks have now decided your partner is actually disabled and your brother the type who laughs at disabled people.

i suspect not. But give some people an inch and they are going to take a mile.

It's not that someone different deserves ridicule. I don't believe anybody has said that... But sometimes funny situations will arise. Either by someone doing something funny, or reacting or not to something. Whether they are "different" or not should be largely irrelevant.

Bear in mind OP's partner is an adult who doesn't have a diagnosis. They just think he might have something. Do brother and SIL know this? Or did they just see a grown man running off like a lunatic to get started when they were still just getting themselves out of the car?

OP is sensitive because she thinks there might be a possible diagnosis. There's no evidence that the other 2 have any clue that there's a query.

Why have you decided he has autism when no-one knows this?

My friends always laugh at my ways, but they do it to my face. I never think anything of it. I think if I found out they were laughing behind my back it would be different.

You are definitely not the only one! I can’t imagine what can be so funny that made them hysterical 🤷🏻‍♀️

THEY HAVEN'T BEEN TOLD THAT HE MIGHT BE AUTISTIC

How many times does this have to be said? The only conversation about a possible autism diagnosis has been between OP and her partner. The brother and SIL just see the guy acting oddly and OP panicking and trying to catch him. That would have been amusing.

My OH would be the sprinter, we all roll eyes at each other because he's a man on a mission every moment of every day. He's definitely ADHD. It can be exhausting.

A person acting oddly enough for his partner to run after him would be sufficient for me to give them the benefit of the doubt. Not a licence to laugh hysterically.

Do you really things to be pointed out in your face? Are you so devoid of sensitivity and life experience?

The OP was quite clear no one was laughing hysterically.

I'd have laughed too, you had a fun day planned so spirits would be high and running needlessly to an activity with other adults is amusing. So I wouldn't necessarily be laughing at him, if that makes sense?
I'd rather they laugh than get annoyed that he was rushing them needlessly because that's what suited him.

OP: Any way as I’m trying to tell him to just take in the moment and chill, I catch BIL and sister roll their eyes and start to stifle laughter. It was that type of hysterical laughter which you have to separate to stop. I could see SIL basically motioning at brother to stop looking at her. It was not done in an obnoxious way. But it stung.

You are splitting hairs in an effort to deflect. They would have laughed out hysterically had they not tried to stifle it. They found it hysterically funny for someone to behave oddly that they could barely keep it in.