Caught brother and sil laughing at my dp behind back

[IRole]

Ok so the title may be slightly exaggerated.

Dp is young but sort of old beyond his years which is fine. But he has to do things his way and is very rigid. Dp and I have spoken about seeking a formal diagnosis for autism as he fits many of the symptoms. Anyway, works for us as I like his planning nature as I am a the opposite.

Recently dp and I had plans with brother and SIL to do an activity. It involved a three hour drive which was perfectly pleasant. Anyway, as we arrived at the destination for this activity Dp just bolts and is like a man on the mission. He is bolting to get said activity going. Now there was no time sensitivity and we had all the time in the world. Any way as I’m trying to tell him to just take in the moment and chill, I catch BIL and sister roll their eyes and start to stifle laughter. It was that type of hysterical laughter which you have to separate to stop. I could see SIL basically motioning at brother to stop looking at her. It was not done in an obnoxious way. But it stung.

100% DP’s behaviour was odd for the group setting and he was not picking up on the social dynamic.

im just hurt. Brother and SIL did reference the behaviour but im embarrassed.

AIBU?

You’re being incredibly over-sensitive about this.

Sometimes, people’s quirks are funny. It’s fine to acknowledge that. They weren’t sneering at him or taking the piss. They were laughing at something that was funny/quirky. In my family - and I think most families - laughing at something like that would mean that we found it endearing.

I’m dyspraxic. Last time I saw my family, I was getting in a right old pickle putting my coat on and it made my mum and my brother laugh. That then made me laugh too. It was an affectionate laugh at something that is objectively funny and also quintessentially ‘me’ in their eyes. It was OK for them to laugh because there was no negative judgement involved.

I did it was more odd and rude and my expression would be more WTF rather than laughing. He behaved like a child who just ran off. Surely you can't be upset when you know something like this is odd.

Is the activity important , for example were you going to the beach, parked up and he went running off to get to thr beach, leaving you all behind, and to get the stuff out the car, with you chasing after him shouting for him to chill?

It's so awful when you get inappropriate giggles. I'm not saying they were right Op, grown ups should be able to control themselves. But I am still cringing and kicking the sheets in the night over an incident where my MIL and I had to leave a Good Friday church service because we simultaneously saw the expression of extreme piety on the priest's face.....

I think its worse that they thought it best to stifle it rather than include your DP in it. Would have been better to have said 'steady on mate, we've not even got our boots on yet...' or whatever, then it would have been a shared joke rather than laughing behind his back. If it happens again I'd do my best to open it up and pull DP into the humour. Because yes, sometimes people's behaviour is funny, but you laugh with them not at them.

He was too far away.

It sounds funny/cute/charming to me to see a grown up run towards a planned activity. Sorta a Chevy Chase National Lampoon Vacation movies scene. Much prefer that over people who want to leave early or bitching about parking or costs. Since they were behind you and dp I don’t think it’s was malicious or judgmental. Just a laugh. I love a good laugh. And laughing at ourselves is a very important trait so I would let it go. Dp didn’t see the giggles the rest of the day went well and it seems you all enjoyed yourselves. I’m always vigilant to people being “made fun of” irregardless of age diagnosis etc and you can advocate for DP but I think in this instance you also could have called back “I see you two laughing back there DP is sooooo excited!!”

I think you're actually projecting your own feelings about your partner's 'odd'/'rigid' behaviour onto your brother and SIL. You admit yourself that it wasn't time-sensitive, and that you said to your DP to 'take in the moment and chill' before you even saw their amused response to him darting off like a racehorse, so you registered yourself that his behaviour was out of the ordinary for the scenario. They don't know he's considering seeking a diagnosis for autism, so they are purely seeing him rushing off as soon as the car drew to a halt as odd, rather childlike behaviour. And regardless of whether he gets a formal diagnosis, those behaviours will still be out there for people to see.

I think you should be thinking about your own feelings about his oddities.

Yes, I agree.

Dp’s personality means he can be quite reserved and quiet. Over the course of 2 years Dp and I have probably hung out with my brother 15 times but the ice has never fully broken between them.

I think this is really hard to call, it can be natural to laugh out of surprise or at the absurdity of a situation without there being any attempt to be ridiculing anyone.

The fact that your partner was so far ahead that he couldn't really be included in anything Bro and SIL said and the fact they were trying not to set each other off makes them seem more sympathetic to me. But it's really hard to know without knowing all the people involved and without being there.

I wouldn't say anything but keep an eye on future interactions to see if anything else happens.

This.

But again, he is who he is. It's not the other people's fault that the ice hasn't broken, if he's reserved and quiet in company. It probably made it funnier for your brother and SIL if this man who's always been quiet and reserved suddenly starts sprinting across the car park after a 3 hour drive to do a non-time-sensitive activity. (Or was he dashing off because he didn't want to have to talk?)

Would you have preferred them to say something out loud or pretend not to notice that your partner ran off?
I would have tried not to laugh if somebody that I wasn’t close to did this but if it was a family member then there would be gentle ribbing because that’s our sort of dynamic. Considering that your dp wasn’t in earshot, I’m surprised that your brother didn’t make some sort of comment to you but I’m guessing that you’re not very close to him ? If my brother had annoyed me, I would have said so but different families have different dynamics.

I am ND and would have been fine with a “The beach isn’t go anywhere !” type joke so that I could modify my behaviour.

You seem to be clinging to the person who agrees with you. From what you’ve written your boyfriend was to far away to be brought into the humour, so I’m not sure why you’re agreeing.

clearly you’re very hurt they laughed about his behaviour and you’re embarassed by how he behaved, which is amplifying the whole thing in your head.

you seem to also want to blame your brother as the ice has never fully broken, when it looks like your brother has accepted your partner, just they will unlikely never be best friends,

look. You love your boyfriend, your family clearly are accepting of him. He sometimes behaves in ways that would be considered socially odd. And yes sometimes people will find it funny, sometimes uncomfortable. You need to accept this, as long as they are not deliberately unkind.and they weren’t,

….but you don’t know what they were laughing at? Perhaps they were laughing at you for trying to nanny his behaviour?

If in two years you’ve all spent time together basically every 6-8 weeks including some full daytrips / weekends out, I think that’s pretty good going tbh. Your brother and SIL clearly like your DP even if they aren’t ever going to be best buddies - if they found him tiresome and his behaviour a source of constant irritation then they’d just make their excuses not to spend time with you. Which puts context on their laughter as not being unkind, just finding the situation funny.

If his behaviour was weird and annoying then it's unrealistic to expect people not to notice and react to that. If there is a pattern of him being weird and annoying then yes they probably expected some weird behaviour and that's why they started laughing. Yes it's unkind but it's also human nature. If you and DP both think he's autistic then you should be able to have conversations about socially inappropriate behaviour and develop a strategy by which you can signal to him when he's being odd and he can stop.

OP, I am autistic. I know that some people have laughed because of me at times but that's OK. I'm sure it's happened a lot of times I've been completely oblivious to as well.

I have a few autistic friends and we laugh at ourselves and each other too because we can sometimes see oddness in other people that we don't recognise in ourselves unless it's pointed out to us.

My children sometimes point out to me when I do something particularly 'autistic'. Neither of them is diagnosed autistic. One has a diagnosis of a different ND and they both have traits. None of it is unkind or unpleasant.

He wasn't being annoying though was he? And there is no need for him to stop doing things like running ahead because others might find it odd. It was a really harmless move by the OPs dp, she was embarrassed but that's her issue, the OPs brother and sil laughed, that's their issue, meanwhile the OPs dp was off living his best life 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree with all of this. It was a momentary action on his part that they found amusing. They werent deliberately being mean, unkind or judgemental. Sometimes I have found things people said or did funny, and vice versa people have found things I have said funny. It wasn't mean spirited or unkind. I find it hard to believe that you have never found something bemusing OP.

I'm not particularly picking on you, but seeing as you're the last comment that I've read along these lines of it being okay to laugh at people for being different, I thought I'd quote you

Why can't the neurotypical people be more accepting of others? Why can't they expand their bandwidth to understand the neurodivergent people behave differently but that it's not odd and it doesn't have to be done differently. I don't understand why neurotypical people can't be more accepting instead of laughing at everything

You say, it isn't unkind, but it is unkind. It is really nasty to laugh at someone whether behind their back or to their face. It is mean and it shows a lack of empathy and understanding

I shouldn't be surprised because there is so much ableism on mumsnet but it always saddens me because I manage to avoid people like this in real life and so it's always a bit of a shock to see how unpleasant the majority of people really are when they're hiding behind anonymity

Op I would have a word with your siblings and point out that it is really mean and unkind to laugh at someone for being who they are. If you haven't already I would be open about the fact that you think your DP is autistic but honestly they shouldn't need to be told that in order to be nice to somebody and not be arseholes.

It was understandably unpleasant for you, but if you don't think it was meant to hurt you or your partner, you'll have to accept that sometimes these things happen. People unintentionally rub us the wrong way all the time: It's part of interacting with others, including family and friends. Your partner behaving oddly will probably strike others as funny from time to time, and even if he's autistic, that won't make some of his behaviour any less amusing.

It would be unkind of them to mock him, but they weren't being mean-spirited. You don't have to like it, but it's just part of life. I'd try to let it go, though it's easier said than done when something bothers you and you can't stop going over it in your mind.

Do you not have injokes etc with your partner? Myself and my partner are always conveying our thoughts about other people via looks/eye rolls/smirks.

Racing out of a car leaving everyone else behind that has joined you on the activity could also be perceived as rude. I would in no way do that.

Sounds like they found it funny rather than rude. But honestly a grown man leaving behind his group to run across a car park - I'd laugh too. Not in a malicious way, just in a WTF?!

@Myblindsaredown how was it not deliberate?

The fact that they waited until OP and her partner had gone ahead tells me it was exactly that.