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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caught brother and sil laughing at my dp behind back

237 replies

IRole · 31/05/2024 11:26

Ok so the title may be slightly exaggerated.

Dp is young but sort of old beyond his years which is fine. But he has to do things his way and is very rigid. Dp and I have spoken about seeking a formal diagnosis for autism as he fits many of the symptoms. Anyway, works for us as I like his planning nature as I am a the opposite.

Recently dp and I had plans with brother and SIL to do an activity. It involved a three hour drive which was perfectly pleasant. Anyway, as we arrived at the destination for this activity Dp just bolts and is like a man on the mission. He is bolting to get said activity going. Now there was no time sensitivity and we had all the time in the world. Any way as I’m trying to tell him to just take in the moment and chill, I catch BIL and sister roll their eyes and start to stifle laughter. It was that type of hysterical laughter which you have to separate to stop. I could see SIL basically motioning at brother to stop looking at her. It was not done in an obnoxious way. But it stung.

100% DP’s behaviour was odd for the group setting and he was not picking up on the social dynamic.

im just hurt. Brother and SIL did reference the behaviour but im embarrassed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Clawedino · 31/05/2024 14:02

I see both points of view. That would hurt me too though. As others have said (my husband has ASD too) I feel protective of DH when people take things the wrong way or mock things that he has done or said - which luckily hasn't happened many times in our long relationship! So I do relate to this. My siblings are understanding that his way of thinking is different and they wouldn't mock it (openly anyway!).

RobertaFirmino · 31/05/2024 14:02

They are brothers. They will have spent their whole lives laughing at each other.

tiddletiddleboomboom · 31/05/2024 14:03

The fact that they waited until OP and her partner had gone ahead tells me it was exactly that

They didnt wait, she said he bolted and she was trying to tell him to chill and she didnt get to finish that sentence before he had gone. Therefore, the laughter was completely spontaneous and they didnt wait to do it

Myblindsaredown · 31/05/2024 14:03

RobertaFirmino · 31/05/2024 14:02

They are brothers. They will have spent their whole lives laughing at each other.

They are not brothers,,,🤯

Clawedino · 31/05/2024 14:03

RobertaFirmino · 31/05/2024 14:02

They are brothers. They will have spent their whole lives laughing at each other.

It is OP's brother and his wife.

Toomanyemails · 31/05/2024 14:04

Do you know how your DP would react if he had seen them laughing? Some people would find it a helpful social cue, especially if obviously gentle and not malicious, and other people would absolutely hate it. If he'd be sensitive to it, worth having a word to your family to say you know he has his quirks but please try not to laugh. If it's just your own sensitivity to it, try to take it in the spirit it was meant. I've sometimes not been able to stop myself laughing at something someone's done and it's upset them; I've also been on the receiving end and the important thing is being able to explain your intentions/understand theirs.

RobertaFirmino · 31/05/2024 14:04

Myblindsaredown · 31/05/2024 14:03

They are not brothers,,,🤯

Show quote history

Oh bloody hell, I've done the very thing I hate - not read the OP properly! Apologies.

fieldsofbutterflies · 31/05/2024 14:06

tiddletiddleboomboom · 31/05/2024 14:03

The fact that they waited until OP and her partner had gone ahead tells me it was exactly that

They didnt wait, she said he bolted and she was trying to tell him to chill and she didnt get to finish that sentence before he had gone. Therefore, the laughter was completely spontaneous and they didnt wait to do it

But they didn't start laughing right away, as OP says she only noticed it when she turned around and saw them doing it.

Is it the worst crime in the world? Of course not, but it's not kind to laugh about people like that.

tiddletiddleboomboom · 31/05/2024 14:09

But they didn't start laughing right away, as OP says she only noticed it when she turned around and saw them doing it

Yes, as was bolting. So right away

BeyondMyWits · 31/05/2024 14:12

If folks act weird, others are allowed to find it funny. It was rude of them to show it, but they didn't intend others to see that.

Anyone has the right to feel offended in the face of rudeness, but would let it drop and not be embarrassed, because being embarrassed suggests you find him weird too.

Prawncow · 31/05/2024 14:14

It sounds like you’re very sensitive to this.

I could understand you getting upset if they were being cruel but it doesn’t seem like they were. This sounds like you were the one who was embarrassed by his behaviour (or embarrassed for him?) and trying to get him to stick to social norms.

Sometimes personality traits or habits are linked to being ND. Noticing them or even teasing about them - as long as everyone finds it funny - isn’t necessarily mean. It’s part of accepting them for who they are.

wearemodernidiots · 31/05/2024 14:15

My teenage DD is autistic and would be so upset if people laughed at her for essentially being autistic.

They weren't being kind, but I do see that they were trying to keep it to themselves. Still think they require a think about why they were laughing at him.

Original poster
IRole · 31/05/2024 14:16

I 100% know it was not mean spirited. I was literally chasing after DP (maybe a step or two behind) but having to sort of jog to catch up. Dp was acting like we were in some sort of race.

I turned around to check if my brother and SIL had kept up and just saw them trailing behind suppressing laughter. It was very manic to begin with as we left the car.

I think I I would find it less hurtful if they had just be open in their bemusement. Why feel the need to hide it?

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 31/05/2024 14:17

wearemodernidiots · 31/05/2024 14:15

My teenage DD is autistic and would be so upset if people laughed at her for essentially being autistic.

They weren't being kind, but I do see that they were trying to keep it to themselves. Still think they require a think about why they were laughing at him.

Edited

No-one knows if this man is autistic so that's not why they were laughing.

They were laughing because they found what he did funny.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 31/05/2024 14:18

PearlKoala · 31/05/2024 13:54

He wasn't being annoying though was he? And there is no need for him to stop doing things like running ahead because others might find it odd. It was a really harmless move by the OPs dp, she was embarrassed but that's her issue, the OPs brother and sil laughed, that's their issue, meanwhile the OPs dp was off living his best life 🤷🏻‍♀️

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I think trying to hurry people up to start an activity when there was no need for it might be annoying TBH

Myblindsaredown · 31/05/2024 14:18

IRole · 31/05/2024 14:16

I 100% know it was not mean spirited. I was literally chasing after DP (maybe a step or two behind) but having to sort of jog to catch up. Dp was acting like we were in some sort of race.

I turned around to check if my brother and SIL had kept up and just saw them trailing behind suppressing laughter. It was very manic to begin with as we left the car.

I think I I would find it less hurtful if they had just be open in their bemusement. Why feel the need to hide it?

Edited

Can you not see the humour in that tbough, him dashing off, you jogging after him, telling him to chill and enjoy the moment?

something2say · 31/05/2024 14:18

I've just read the op but basically I don't like people like this, with their perfect lives and no differences.

OP I would avoid your brother and his wife. They are mean and shallow and they laugh at different people to their face. Once I saw that, I would avoid them. Hugs to you xxx

Myblindsaredown · 31/05/2024 14:19

something2say · 31/05/2024 14:18

I've just read the op but basically I don't like people like this, with their perfect lives and no differences.

OP I would avoid your brother and his wife. They are mean and shallow and they laugh at different people to their face. Once I saw that, I would avoid them. Hugs to you xxx

adding kisses does not make your comment any less horrible.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 31/05/2024 14:22

IRole · 31/05/2024 14:16

I 100% know it was not mean spirited. I was literally chasing after DP (maybe a step or two behind) but having to sort of jog to catch up. Dp was acting like we were in some sort of race.

I turned around to check if my brother and SIL had kept up and just saw them trailing behind suppressing laughter. It was very manic to begin with as we left the car.

I think I I would find it less hurtful if they had just be open in their bemusement. Why feel the need to hide it?

Edited

I 100% know it was not mean spirited. I was literally chasing after DP (maybe a step or two behind) but having to sort of jog to catch up. Dp was acting like we were in some sort of race.

See even this conjures up an amusing image.

Like a scene from a sitcom.

Prawncow · 31/05/2024 14:24

I think I I would find it less hurtful if they had just be open in their bemusement. Why feel the need to hide it?

To avoid upsetting you (which obviously backfired)? Because your brother and DP don’t have a close enough relationship for him to make a joke?

fieldsofbutterflies · 31/05/2024 14:25

tiddletiddleboomboom · 31/05/2024 14:09

But they didn't start laughing right away, as OP says she only noticed it when she turned around and saw them doing it

Yes, as was bolting. So right away

It was still unnecessarily unkind 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
IRole · 31/05/2024 14:26

SonicTheHodgeheg · 31/05/2024 13:39

Would you have preferred them to say something out loud or pretend not to notice that your partner ran off?
I would have tried not to laugh if somebody that I wasn’t close to did this but if it was a family member then there would be gentle ribbing because that’s our sort of dynamic. Considering that your dp wasn’t in earshot, I’m surprised that your brother didn’t make some sort of comment to you but I’m guessing that you’re not very close to him ? If my brother had annoyed me, I would have said so but different families have different dynamics.

So I am close to brother and SiL. See them fairly regularly despite not living particularly close. So my siblings and I can take the piss out of each other. No problem. And I can poke fun at DP.

We just haven’t reached a level of comfortableness where SIL/brother feel close enough to take the piss out of dp.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/05/2024 14:26

you are over thinking it, and are being over protective on behalf of your dp.

get a diagnosis soon, as then you can explain to people why he is as he is - if you feel the need to.

fieldsofbutterflies · 31/05/2024 14:26

My teenage DD is autistic and would be so upset if people laughed at her for essentially being autistic.

I think this is the crux of it.

BusyMummy001 · 31/05/2024 14:31

KreedKafer · 31/05/2024 11:56

You’re being incredibly over-sensitive about this.

Sometimes, people’s quirks are funny. It’s fine to acknowledge that. They weren’t sneering at him or taking the piss. They were laughing at something that was funny/quirky. In my family - and I think most families - laughing at something like that would mean that we found it endearing.

I’m dyspraxic. Last time I saw my family, I was getting in a right old pickle putting my coat on and it made my mum and my brother laugh. That then made me laugh too. It was an affectionate laugh at something that is objectively funny and also quintessentially ‘me’ in their eyes. It was OK for them to laugh because there was no negative judgement involved.

Show quote history

So they laughed WITH you rather than behind your back?