Unreliable friend’s party - what would you do?

[Doglover321]

Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice. A few months ago, I organised and booked to go to a local curry house to celebrate my birthday. 33 people - including my good friend R and her partner A - said they could attend. As time went on, R kept telling me how excited she was and how good the curry looked.

However, a few days before we were due to meet, she dropped out, saying her and A ‘don’t know the others very well’. This wasn’t exactly true. She knew myself and 8 others, and one of these 8 she even invited round her house for a Halloween party. I attempted to reassure her that she did know others and even said I would sit next to her and A, but she still wasn’t budging. I said to wait and see if you’re up for it on the day and let me know. She messaged on the day saying they’re ‘not feeling it’ and then I see pictures of them on social media posing next to the barbecue, cooking lamb kebabs.

I have since organised a trip to Cosmo Buffet, open to all through the Meetup app. She has seen one of my advertisements and said she’d love to go but has a wedding. I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ Nothing back

Now, HER birthday is next month at a social club and I GENUINELY won’t know anyone and will be attending alone. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to be petty, but also don’t agree with her behaviour. It’s not as though they don’t like Indian food either. R loves Indian and A IS Indian!

TIA for any comments xx

In your original post it seemed like you were saying “I thought you didn’t like meals with people you don’t know” in regards to the wedding she was attending, not the meal at Cosmo. That’s why people keep comparing it to a wedding.

Then what’s going on with you?

It must be clear to you from the reactions you’ve received to this + your last thread that there is a disconnect between your perception of these events and that of most people. What do you think is causing that?

She's flaky and also anxious. You have ti accept that. I'd just let the friendship slide into its natural minimal effort.

Well, according to the poll as it stands, 40% think I’m being unreasonable, while 65% say I’m being reasonable! So obviously more people comment if they disagree

I voted YANBU, based on the OP. As, presumably, did most of that 60 (not 65)%. It’s perfectly reasonable not to want to attend her event. That’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m referring to the way you’re talking about these events, the things you’re saying and the fact that - despite multiple people telling you - you don’t seem to understand how odd it all is.

People are reading properly.

You said you put your comment about her not liking big meals in relation to a message about the wedding she was going to. What has that got to do with Cosmo?? You weren't talking about Cosmo when you said that to her, you were talking about a wedding.

You think you're right. Same as with the other thread.
So you can either continue thinking you are right and use a MN poll to justify your behaviour or you can reflect on the whole situation and consider whether saying things like enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well? is appropriate to say to a friend. I think it's really spiteful and not necessary.
Also, you simply won't accept that inviting a pile of people from a Meet Up group might mean that some people, such as your friend, don't want to go because a Meet Up event is a completely different vibe to a meal where you've invited a select group of close friends.

So as I said, keep on thinking you are right and you might find more and more friends declining your invitations or have a bit of a think about how you are coming across to others.

For those who have commented, there could be a case of ‘oh she’s the same girl who posted something I disagreed with a few weeks back, I’ve made my mind up about her and won’t treat any new threads with neutrality, let’s all pounce on the thread and agree with everyone who disagrees again’ - people do like to gang up!

@Doglover321 it's not that people have connected unrelated threads, it's three threads about the same event so relevant I think.

Also, lots of us are using the app so can't vote on the poll. I can't even see the poll.

OP most people don't have rigid rules about what they will and won't do. Your friend might be up for attending a large meet up with lots of strangers some time but not in the mood at other times which is why she declined the birthday curry but was up for the Cosmo. That sort of nuance is very normal.

You seem to view things through a very rigid framework that only you can see. That's why people are wondering about ND.

If your not Neurodiverse then it’s baffling to me how you couldn’t know that saying to your friend “oh I thought you didn’t like big meals with people you didn’t know” was being passive aggressive and goady in this situation.

I can understand your hurt your friend didn’t attend your birthday party, you obviously feel she just didn’t bother to make the effort for you and you feel like the friendship is always about what’s most convenient for her which is unfair and abit shit. Your feelings are valid.

But I think your friend was quite fair in telling you quite early on that she didn’t want to attend the birthday dinner, it’s not like she just decided on the day she couldn’t be bothered, she had given you plenty of warning this wasn’t something she wanted to go too, but you told her to see how she was feeling on the day and she told you she wasn’t feeling like going on the day so she didn’t. The BBQ is completely irrelevant as she didn’t lie and tell you she was sick or in hospital or something she just said she wasn’t feeling it. That doesn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy a BBQ/any food instead.

If you think you’d have a good time at her party then go, or don’t go it’s up to you. But this tit for tat is exhausting. I don’t think this friendship is going to last much longer anyway after that comment you left her.

No, in relation to my Cosmo meal that she was interested in! My comment wasn’t a dig about her attending a wedding in any way, shape or form.

She gave 3 days warning, after saying for months that she was coming and excited about it

OP, you have some deeply weird, rigid ideas about socialising, and the relationship between Meet Up events, and your actual friendship group. I read your posts with total fascination, because you appear to have no insight into the ways in which your peculiar, progammatic ideas (on presents, on 'birthday etiquette', or invitations) are likely to be having on your relationships.

Lots of people pointed out to you on your previous posts that many people would have zero interest in going to an Indian meal with a bunch of total strangers recruited via Meet Up, even if it's labelled 'X's birthday').

Why not keep your actual friends separate to Meet Up?

I was talking about Cosmo only.

But she didn’t go to Cosmo and you knew at the time of making your little passive aggressive dig that she wasn’t going to go to cosmo. So cosmo has nothing to do with it really. Sounds like she maybe just said “Ah I would’ve liked to have come but I’m at a wedding then” as a polite excuse, she never wanted to go to cosmo

She didn’t need to make an excuse. It was a general Facebook status, no invite or message to her. She chose to comment off her own back

OP, why will you not know anyone else at her birthday when you have a least 8 mutual friends who were at your birthday and her Halloween party? Are none of them going?

2 of them were invited. One of these 2 are on holiday, the other I’m not sure about. I’d have to ask

If you're not comfortable going to her meal, then politely decline. No big deal. I mean this kindly, but I can't understand all the analysing over what I believe to be trivial things.

Re your public comment questioning her, I think you were very unfair. If you had to say anything to her at all, why couldn't you have said it privately rather than for all to see?

Personally I'd have not given her absence from the meal a thought and accepted that she didn't want to go for whatever reason, as that's her choice.

Why only two invited? What about the other six? I only ask because you made a big point about how she would know people if she came to your birthday because of these eight people but it sounds like they’re not all that close or she in fact doesn’t like them (has changed her mind since the Halloween party) so she didn’t really know anyone well/feel comfortable with anyone who attended your large birthday gathering.

Surely she would have felt comfortable with both her partner and I sat next to her….

She didn't go, she can't go back in time and change that fact now. What are you going to achieve by going over the reasons again and again?

You might just have to accept that other people's emotions and motivations will always be a mystery to you.

PLEASE GET OVER YOUR BIRTHDAY

Your fixed thinking and attitude won’t be helpful for you. Don’t go to her thing if you don’t want to but you don’t seem to like her that much. Is a friendship and a birthday event worth this much angst?!