Unreliable friend’s party - what would you do?

[Doglover321]

Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice. A few months ago, I organised and booked to go to a local curry house to celebrate my birthday. 33 people - including my good friend R and her partner A - said they could attend. As time went on, R kept telling me how excited she was and how good the curry looked.

However, a few days before we were due to meet, she dropped out, saying her and A ‘don’t know the others very well’. This wasn’t exactly true. She knew myself and 8 others, and one of these 8 she even invited round her house for a Halloween party. I attempted to reassure her that she did know others and even said I would sit next to her and A, but she still wasn’t budging. I said to wait and see if you’re up for it on the day and let me know. She messaged on the day saying they’re ‘not feeling it’ and then I see pictures of them on social media posing next to the barbecue, cooking lamb kebabs.

I have since organised a trip to Cosmo Buffet, open to all through the Meetup app. She has seen one of my advertisements and said she’d love to go but has a wedding. I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ Nothing back

Now, HER birthday is next month at a social club and I GENUINELY won’t know anyone and will be attending alone. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to be petty, but also don’t agree with her behaviour. It’s not as though they don’t like Indian food either. R loves Indian and A IS Indian!

TIA for any comments xx

I don't. What I'm saying is I declined going out for a birthday celebration with a group of people, but I would attend a wedding if invited. You made a comment about your friend attending a wedding on another date, saying she didn't like eating in crowds? That's what I'm getting at. I'm trying to explain why I might attend one event (a wedding) but not another (birthday celebration). Unless I misread the event your friend was attending (I can't remember if you said wedding or something else).

You seem to be overly obsessed with parties - who went to what, who knew who, who brought gifts and what they cost, who's birthday it was, or Halloween party, shadows at a barbecue, who's known who for how long, who pays for what, and planning a birthday party for age 27 months in advance and constantly talking about it with your friend, being "excited".

Don't get me wrong, I love a good party or meal out, but you seem worryingly obsessed over the details and maybe you could take a party planning course to a) get a job and b) monetise your obsession and take the pressure off your friends and acquaintances and even people you haven't met yet.

I'd be backing off if I were her.

If they were real friends they would know when her birthday is and she wouldn’t need to send out invites 7/8 months in advance.

That is just bizarre and more notice than a wedding (weddings in general - not the wedding she was going to, don’t want you thinking again that we are all mixing the two up)

I uploaded a general Facebook advertisement for a Meetup I’m hosting at Cosmo Buffet. She then decided to comment on this status (I didn’t invite her personally or message her or anything) saying she’d love to go to Cosmo and would go if she didn’t have a wedding to attend. My response: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals with big groups of people?’ was in response to her telling me around the time of my birthday that she doesn’t like meals with big groups of people, so a valid question on my part I think? Not necessarily diggy. Depends on how you look at it

I just do what I want to do. It makes life very simple.

Excalty this. I didn't attend my friends recent birthday celebration. We discussed it and have booked something else in a much smaller group. We actually talked to each other sensibly and understood each other because we're not 5 years old. We've also been friends for 20 years, travelled around Australia together, bridesmaids, etc, so we do have a good solid friendship. I would never dream of leaving her a comment like that, nor she me.

It's nasty, pure, and simple.

I do have a job, I will be starting next Friday since my DBS has now come back. I also used to work 5 days a week, 9 hours a day.

I also would have brought a present with me as I do for all my friends.

Seems you can’t post on here without people jumping the gun!

Not necessarily diggy… ha ha ha

Quite simple really, if you don’t want her as a friend and would enjoy making a point l, then be petty and enjoy the payback. You will probably not invite her to any of your events again and she will probably not invite you to hers, to the friendship would probably be over.

If you do want her as a friend, consider taking the high road.

An invitation is just that, she is entitled to say no thanks. I was invited to something next week that I don’t fancy so I gave a polite refusal which it sounds as if your friend did to you.

I think you are rather passive-aggressive, and it'd be a good idea to take a look at yourself honestly

Because people are so eager to stick the boot in they suddenly can't read.

As much as I would love to be petty to her, I'd just decline the invite. It doesn't have to be a drama and tbh it doesn't sound like she'll be a great loss.

You put that response on the Facebook post or was it privately to her? Either way it is very passive aggressive but even more so if it was visible to others, in that case you are down right rude

What a weird transactional way of conducting a friendship.

Your mate didn't want to go to your party - so what? Doesn't mean she doesn't like you, no need to take it so personally. The tit for tat stuff is just a bit pathetic tbh.

You're such a funny mix op. You want help to form friendships. You cry out for help on here, in various ways. You get given advice on how to form friendships, what works, what doesn't. You dismiss everything anyone says as you are always right and they are always wrong. Until you learn to listen, and reflect, nothing is going to change.

Oh my God - your passive aggressive message about going to the wedding was on a public forum?! That is SO RUDE - it was bad enough when I thought it was a text!! I'd go to her birthday and enjoy it because I suspect after that humdinger it will be the last invitation to anything you get from her...

It was absolutely a dig at her. You were implying that she'd lied about the reason she wasn't attending the birthday meal. And you know it, so stop trying to wriggle out of it.

Oh jeeze, I missed that it was a public Facebook post. What were you thinking?

And for the record I dislike big group meals too, and have chosen not to go to some of them. But a wedding invitation is not something I'd ever refuse on that basis. It's too important an event.

You said that on a public Facebook post? How to lose friends and alienate people - ugh.

Come off it OP. You know you were making a dig at her

This! And your comment to your friend is clearly a dig OP.

I just simply wouldn’t really be friends anymore or would see her as an acquaintance. It was your birthday and she said yes then said no, that disappointed you and made you feel let down. I’m a shy person myself but for something like a birthday you either say yes or no. I would feel hurt to see photos of the activity she felt she’d rather do and to know she goes to events where she doesn’t know people but decided to flake on my birthday event. IMO that’s not the behaviour of a good friend

No, people are making comparisons about why they would attend different events, not that she declined to go to a wedding over the OP birthday meal. If you take the time to read, you will see that.

I think you have a fixed one track mindset judging by this and your other threads - If you made that comment( which was a complete dig at her) about the wedding on a public site - if I was in that group as another person and saw that it would really put me off going to anything you planned - as it sounds like a horrible response to someone who has politely declined your next Meetup by saying they would love to have gone but have to go to a wedding instead.