Unreliable friend’s party - what would you do?

[Doglover321]

Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice. A few months ago, I organised and booked to go to a local curry house to celebrate my birthday. 33 people - including my good friend R and her partner A - said they could attend. As time went on, R kept telling me how excited she was and how good the curry looked.

However, a few days before we were due to meet, she dropped out, saying her and A ‘don’t know the others very well’. This wasn’t exactly true. She knew myself and 8 others, and one of these 8 she even invited round her house for a Halloween party. I attempted to reassure her that she did know others and even said I would sit next to her and A, but she still wasn’t budging. I said to wait and see if you’re up for it on the day and let me know. She messaged on the day saying they’re ‘not feeling it’ and then I see pictures of them on social media posing next to the barbecue, cooking lamb kebabs.

I have since organised a trip to Cosmo Buffet, open to all through the Meetup app. She has seen one of my advertisements and said she’d love to go but has a wedding. I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ Nothing back

Now, HER birthday is next month at a social club and I GENUINELY won’t know anyone and will be attending alone. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to be petty, but also don’t agree with her behaviour. It’s not as though they don’t like Indian food either. R loves Indian and A IS Indian!

TIA for any comments xx

Your question was asking for clarity because she said she didn’t like big groups for your birthday but then wanted to come to another meal with a big group. I think it’s fair you understand where you stand with her so can consider next steps. I perhaps would have worded it better and wouldn’t have asked in a public forum (not sure if you did or not).

I also think it’s fine to call her out on it as it seems on the surface she lied about the reason for not coming for your birthday. I don’t agree people can go around doing/treating other people however they want with no accountability.

If she was a real friend you wouldn’t have to question yourself so much. It’s shitty to not make an effort to attend a friends birthday. Especially shitty to give a reason that is that contradicted by later actions. She doesn’t sound very honest or willing to make much effort for you and therefore wouldn’t be a desirable friend imo.

Is this your third thread about your birthday meal?

Yes

Didn't you post something about this 30+ people curry outing a while ago? Something about not getting many presents?

If you had 30+ people turn up for another adults birthday party, I'd consider that really fucking good! Why are you still being so consumed by yet another aspect of this party?

For whatever reason (and there could be many), R just didn't really want to come. And probably passed some blame onto A. You'll probably never get to the bottom of the reason why.
If you want to go to her gathering, then go. If you don't, then don't.

BTW, your passive aggressive response to R didn't do you any favours.

Oh my god, this is madness.

Friendships do not have to be so obsessive and petty.

Go or don't go. Tell her in advance and stop playing childish bloody games FFS. It's pathetic.

OP I think you need to accept that you'll never be on the same page as other people when it comes to social events.

That's not what people are saying at all. These comments are in relation to your text to her, enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ and they're saying the two situation of lots of unknowns at a casual birthday curry versus lots of unknowns at a wedding aren't comparable. People put themselves out more for the big occasions. I'd never go to something like your birthday whether I knew some of the people or not, but I would for a wedding or a big birthday celebration.

No, but Cosmo IS comparable.

But they weren’t your friends so why would they bring a gift? You invited a bunch of strangers, or people you’d only met a handful of times at other “meet ups.”

Your birthday meal wasn’t a birthday meal. It was a “meet up.” For people who didn’t really know you.

In what way is it comparable to a wedding? We're talking about the importance of the event, here. Not the space and numbers.

I've just looked up Cosmo. It's an all you can eat? And you're comparing a meet up for your birthday at all all you can eat, with an actual wedding?

I wouldn't consider a gathering at an all you can eat, to be a party as such, and I certainly wouldn't consider it a three line whip.

Good Lord yet another thread about this curry night! It's all very attention seeking isn't it?

No, I had my birthday meal at a curry house….

No, the curry house and Cosmo are comparable events. I don’t think people are reading properly.

She would have been happy to attend an event at Cosmo (the all-you-can-eat) where she didn’t know anyone, but not the curry house on my birthday where she did know people.

You don't even know she wanted to go. What she said it's a way of touching base letting your friend know you would like to do something with them. Not the same as her actually going. What you're talking about on these threads, that isn't close friendship and the whole should I pay her back thing is something that comes up with my tween and her friends. You're deciding she had guests over because of shadows and discussing making a choice to pay her back rather than just going or not going to your friends party based on what you want to do. If I was R and I saw those things you've written here Id withdraw my invitation and friendship. Be her friend or don't be, cut the drama its not helping you. I expect you'll now accuse me of comprehension failure or ignore and hey it's your life and if you want to play games and create drama that's your choice. These threads make me feel sad for you, so Im out.

Maybe you are the issue then? Maybe she didn't want to celebrate your birthday? Who knows, we only have your perspective. Sorry to be blunt. If you want your friendships to work, don't be so goady. What are you hoping to achieve by posting a comment like that? Like she will respond, "Oh yes, you're right, I forgot and wont go." Or was your aim to embarrass her amoungst your group and start an argument? I think it's safe to say she probably wont want to carry on your friendship. You really do need to grow up.

Don’t think so because she invited me round for dinner not long after my meal, saying it’s easier if I travel to her. I told her I couldn’t afford the train fare which wasn’t really a lie. She just wants the most convenient option for her. They both drive too

She lives just under half an hour driving. It’s almost an hour by train

Are you ND OP? Your thinking is quite black or white and you seem to struggle with social cues.

OP - my understanding is that Meetup app seeks to connect strangers with shared interests. If most of the 31 people at your birthday were off Meetup it’s unlikely they were all your friends. Perhaps your friend wasn’t interested in celebrating your birthday with people who are likely not very close to you (or her). You said you are 27, in the kindest way you’re obsessing and over analyzing about your birthday, what your friends choose to do (or not) and agonizing over whether to attend a party the invitee has put no pressure on you to attend seems very juvenile. My advice is do not go - you’re clearly upset that she didn’t attend your meet up/birthday and have already sent her some assign aggressive message. However if you value her friendship focus more on nurturing that than worrying about strangers buying you gifts/dinner/drinks on your birthday.

I was thinking that. I’ve only read her comments and it’s clear there’s a bit of a disconnect. Or maybe it’s anxiety?

Definitely not neurodivergent (no suspicions and nothing has been diagnosed anyway).

Definitely don’t have anxiety.

For goodness sake. You need to let all this stuff about your birthday meal out drop. It's not healthy to be dwelling on how people slighted you by not bringing presents (I commented on that on your previous thread) and now this, because someone dropped out because they weren't feeling it.

This was really rude. No wonder she didn't reply.
I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ Nothing back

Also, as I said on your last thread, you blur the lines when you post in a Meet Up group for your birthday meal and now for a Cosmo Buffet. You aren't inviting friends as such, you're hosting a Meet Up event. That means that some of those you call your close friends might not come because they aren't interested in a Meet Up event.

I won’t cut her off, but probably won’t go to her party either. Thanks those who have posted helpful comments/been kind :)