Van life request to shower

[Uoyeb]

I have a long-standing friend who is a bit unconventional. He’s never really stuck at any job, is a bit of an artist, always low on cash. He tends to live in short term rentals, often studios or rooms in shared houses. It wouldn’t be a life for me but he seems happy and content with it, so be it.

Rents are increasing and and he recent came into a small inheritance, so he’s decided to buy a van to live in. He’ll fit it out similar to a small camper, sleep / live in the van, and then use toilet facilities that are open to the public, and showers at friends or cheap leisure centres or service stations that have that facility.

He’s asked whether, on the odd occasion, he could use our shower if he’s in the area and there’s nowhere else local to go. I’m not sure how to respond.

How would you respond?

These things work both ways though but somehow " the friend" never supports back.
It's always take.

I don't need takers in my life , friends are mutually supportive
I'm not a charity for people who refuse to take responsibility for their own life choices.

You don’t seem a very good friend at all if you even have to think!

Bit of a stretch! 😄

I am very definitely left of centre in my political views but still think an able adult ought to be able to sort out their own hygiene arrangements without imposing on others.

And if I still had dc at home, I wouldn’t want an unrelated male wandering around upstairs using my bathroom either, however close a friend they were!

I would respond with - 'Of course, you are welcome. Can't wait to see your van."

X

In theory I think it’s nice to support him and be there for a friend, and of course an occasional shower isn’t too much to ask.

In real life, now I’m older and had experience of this kind of situation, as some PPs say, it could turn into a massive pisstake. It depends on him and what he’s like. Some people would stick to the occasional shower and bring you some wine or flowers once in a while to show their appreciation. Others would start taking longer and longer, using up your stuff, staying for tea, angling to stay over because the van has a leak and before you know it you can’t get them out. Cynical but true.

if I was going to van-life I’d want to be self-sufficient and only impose on people in an emergency. A basic gym or council swimming pool membership is the obvious solution for showering - and there are sometimes showers you can pay for at railway stations too.

Therein lies the rub.

how often do we read threads where "friends" show up unannounced for a cup of tea, which extends to dinner, which extends to overnight, then a week later they're still there and can't take a hint, and the OP hasn't got the hang of "being assertive".

@Uoyeb you've known him for ages and you know him better than us, and you seem to be certain about how it will work for you, so what's your dilemma?

It depends on the other friend surely.

My mum is planning to do a similar thing and I’ve already told her that she’ll need to make plans to shower and wash her clothes etc as I won’t let her do it in my home.

Of course I would let her do it if she had no other option but there’s a big difference between finding yourself in a sticky situation and purposely making yourself homeless and relying on other peoples generosity.

My mum is doing is so she doesn’t have to pay rent or utilities etc but expects others to pick up the slack.

I know my mums a piss taker and if you give her an inch she’ll take a mile, so it depends whether this man is similar and he pushes his luck or whether he’s a genuine guy that won’t take the mick.

He is choosing this lifestyle and it’s not really fair that this choice impacts all of his friends too, knowing that they’ll feel obliged to help him out.

I once lived in a shared flat where one of the people left and was obviously replaced. But he would still turn up wanting to have a bath. He would come round to say hi then announce “i’m just going to jump in the bath” 😡it was infuriating as he’d be ages and there was only one bathroom. The trouble was he was a friend when he lived there and it becomes really awkward if the person rolls up and you’re clearly in and it’s not convenient or it’s happening too much. It then becomes either a resentful doormat situation, or confrontational if you’re saying no you can’t come in.

It's not about him doing harm (although it would take a big toll on my wellbeing personally) But he's not a member of her household.

What if he turns up to shower when she's in the shower. What if he turns up when she's got other plans or is ill or just wants peace? What if in ten years he's still rocking up to use the shower?

It's easy to say yeah no problem, but the novelty of being generous would very soon wear off.

As a one off yeah, but this is a regular arrangement he's after, with no end date.

Afraid I agree with this. I've done favours like this for friends before and it has always escalated in both frequency and intensity. Then it becomes an expectation.

It's not just showering either, he wont be able to wash his clothes or dry them, what about needing an address for admin stuff?- it will start with occasional showers and then it will be laundry and putting your address down for legal things etc

This is a long term life choice of his, not him being in a sudden and unexpected difficult situation outside of his control. We are all responsible for meeting our basic needs and the fact he isnt doing that is a big red flag to me that there will be more favours to come.

I'm in the "no" camp. You're potentially setting yourself up for a lifetime of increasingly burdensome obligations. The best thing you can do as a friend is point out the flaws in his plan. Winter in a van gets uncomfortable very quickly.

No I wouldn't start this because who knows where it's going to end up - and it's much easier to say no now then when he assumes he can spend half of his time on your driveway using your facilities because you said you didn't mind.

I think this is a nice thing to do if he’s in the area but if I were him I’d get a motor home or van with a shower option. I mean this is probably more expensive for him but long term it means less awkwardness.

I mean he might be fine in service stations or wherever he stops off to use toilets and showers but he might not be fine (staff there).

His nomadic lifestyle and not earning much is his choice too.

There's a middle ground between being "discouraging" and a potential doormat. A conversation to encourage him to think through the pros and cons realistically (or to put your mind at rest that he has) is being a supportive friend.

Personally I wouldn't, but that's for specific reasons related to my current household circumstances. In general I would help him out occasionally, but I'm quite good at setting boundaries and wouldn't have a problem with bringing it to an end if he was overstepping or taking advantage. I do take the point about only being able to indulge a responsibility-free lifestyle because others are shouldering the responsibilities that pay for houses and showers etc, but the flipside is I dislike this pervasive mentality that everyone must be a good little worker bee and you have no intrinsic worth otherwise.

As long as he cleans the shower after himself I'd have no problem, rogue pubes aren't fun 😁

Yes, he needs to think about if he can install a washer drier in the van or motor home.

There’s a reason why some of these vans/motorhomes (a couple are near me) are parked up unused most of the time.

There’s a man I know who was a bit like this all his life, worked at one point and lived in a caravan on site there, bit of an anarchist (his words). He’s the dad of one of my best friends. After a while his schtick gets boring and old. No idea what he’s up to now though!

I'd want to say no, in reality I'd be a wimp and say ok for occasional use and then just make sure I was out when he called.

His choice, he should be prepared to use a leisure centre or public showers.

Fuck that! You are way nicer than me.
What a pain that is having to stick to a timetable because you told this bloke he could come at a specific time each week.
He can bring his own toiletries too.
Wouldn't be paying for his washing at the laundromat either.

This guy has chosen to live this kind of unconventional lifestyle. He could seek full-time employment and pay rent on a small flat or flatshare or whatever and have access to a shower and washing machine permanently. He has also received an inheritance.
Once again, he has chosen to live this type of life and therefore he has to make it work without scrounging off friends and have them pay for his washing and give him toiletries. Fucking hell.

The problem I have with it, is that he doesn't seem to have made proper plans to make the lifestyle substainable without scrounging off other people. You want to do it. Fine. But then you do what other van lifers do and pay for gym or leisure centre membership and/or install a shower in the van and go to the launderette once a week to wash and drive clothes.

The only thing is though, it’s fine if he can actually find and afford leisure centres or use public showers. What if he can’t? There’s a reason why long distance lorry drivers have homes with bathrooms.

The one person I know who bought a barge is now trying to sell it and move onto land.

My experience is that when people like this drop in, they will stay in the shower for ages as it's 'free' and they enjoy it. They will also bring their washing to run while they are in the shower. And expect a meal, not necessarily cooked by you, but more that they have a quick rummage in the fridge to see what they can put together.

I admire my friends who do this. I’ve a few.
I would say yes no problem.

What concerns me is your phrase 'always low in cash' and the fact that the only money he has, he's inherited. He sounds a bit of a waster. So if he spends everything he has kitting out some old van, and it then breaks down (and it's going to get some hard use), where does it end up? On your driveway?

This. An acquaintance of mine decided, against all advice, to retire early, sell her bricks and mortar home and buy one of those static holiday caravan lodges in a lovely spot — but she only has access to it for 42 weeks of the year. From mid-December to the end of February the gates to the site are locked and water and electricity turned off. She bought a camper van and planned to travel in southern Spain and Portugal during those 10 weeks, but it was colder than she'd reckoned on, the locals weren't keen on her just parking up and it was difficult finding places to shower and wash her clothing. So she came back to the UK and toured round everyone she knew, effectively wanting to stay with them for a week at a time. Because it was winter most of us ended up with her in the house with us, eating with us and watching TV all day. She's always been really tight with money and seems to have no conscience about bumming off everyone else. She's now been living this way for around eight years and most people have started saying no. It's not a sustainable way of living and your friend is going to end up alienating his support group.

If it was someone I'd known for years and liked, I'd have no problem with saying yes.