Van life request to shower

[Uoyeb]

I have a long-standing friend who is a bit unconventional. He’s never really stuck at any job, is a bit of an artist, always low on cash. He tends to live in short term rentals, often studios or rooms in shared houses. It wouldn’t be a life for me but he seems happy and content with it, so be it.

Rents are increasing and and he recent came into a small inheritance, so he’s decided to buy a van to live in. He’ll fit it out similar to a small camper, sleep / live in the van, and then use toilet facilities that are open to the public, and showers at friends or cheap leisure centres or service stations that have that facility.

He’s asked whether, on the odd occasion, he could use our shower if he’s in the area and there’s nowhere else local to go. I’m not sure how to respond.

How would you respond?

Not the dilemma the OP has, but what if he has the shits. Like he wakes up and has the shits and has to go right then. What to do when he has no toilet!?!

I have a similar friend. He lets me know when he’s in the area for work and I’ll always invite him to come for dinner/stay the night if we’re here. Equally, sometimes he sees other friends or he books a hotel. But this is an entirely different scenario. This is the equivalent of his saying “I’m going to get a job in your area. But I’m not some boring old sucker who’s going to be tied down with a mortgage or a tenancy agreement. You don’t mind cooking me dinner or putting me up on demand, do you?”. It’s completely different….

What to do when he has no toilet!?!

I hate to lower the tone but sometimes people 'camping' shit in a carrier bag then bin it!! Or do it in the hedgerow.... grim.

I'm inclined to think people seemingly choosing this lifestyle haven't been so lucky over finding the right job due to unspoken disability or limitations. Not everyone can obtain a decent paying job and low income jobs often come with the worst overall work conditions. This guy isn't even claiming any benefits it seems, he's just using some family help to get by over an inheritance and I assume, single. Life and the system is really tough on single people without kids. There's a housing shortage and so on and it seems like he's doing his best to get by over it. I would be fine with the sometimes shower. Friends help each other and there's ways he I'm sure could help friends, too. Of course "off the grid" is unpopular as it's different and not "the norm" so it makes some uncomfortable. Usually more privileged people. But yes, I am in the Labour camp.

I'm inclined to think people seemingly choosing this lifestyle haven't been so lucky over finding the right job due to unspoken disability or limitations. Not everyone can obtain a decent paying job and low income jobs often come with the worst overall work conditions.

My experience has been the opposite, funnily enough. All the people I know who have done this have come from privileged backgrounds with cushy lives - and have just found it hard to adapt to having a job and having to turn up for it every day at 8.30. They feel there’s “more to life”. And, actually, they’ve all had the benefit of knowing that they can, if push comes to shove, move back with mum
and dad. Conversely, the people I’ve known and worked with who’ve had the sort of “limitations” I imagine you mean have been incredible grafters (and usually more risk averse - if they have a stable job, they are very concerned to keep it and do well).

When you say he is "choosing" this way of life are you sure that he has other, better options?

A mortgage sounds out of the question. As it is for many many hardworking people.

Rents are extortionate and impossible to afford for many single people in full time work.

It is perfectly possible to be working your ass off, full time and not to be able to afford to rent. Not everyone who can't afford housing is lazy!

Social housing won't be an option, and benefits to meet the gap don't exist for people without kids or extremely limiting disabilities.

I am so glad that I have friends who would help me in a heartbeat without judgement if I was your friend OP. I never take the fact that I have a roof over my head for granted and I know how quickly life can change- maybe that's why I'd not hesitate to help a friend like this because "there but for the grace of God go I..." and all that.

I can't help thinking that people who would refuse to help must have little idea how hard life can be, and that not everyone who struggles has themself to blame, or a host of options. Even if they do carry some blame- who hasn't made a bad decision or messed up?! That and an "I'm alright Jack" mentality. Let's hope they are indeed alright given their belief that offering a mate a shower is a step too far.

I think I’m going to say yes but put very clear expectations around how often and arrangements

That sounds sensible OP, but do watch out for the "justs" ...

Can I just put a bit of washing on
If I could just have a key I needn't bother you
I'm out of gas; can I eat here just this once
Could I stay just while it's so cold
Can I use your address just for x, y or z

If you're assertive enough to maintain those boundaries you may be okay, but I'd definitely watch out for "creep"

He’s a bit of a sponger. Probably, that’s how he’s got by for years.

Are you sure his work didn't pay him for a hotel/meal and he pocketed the money?

We had a friend that would stay with us when down with work. He would take us out for tea on the company credit card in lieu of paying for a hotel.

Are you saying you think Labour voters find it an acceptable choice for a fit and able man to opt out of supporting himself and plan to sponge off others longterm?

No responsibility to support himself and meet his own hygiene needs with a simple Gym membership- just a plan to cadge off others?

It's a shower.

A. shower.

No suggestion from the OP that it is A. Shower. In the singular.

It reads more like a longterm plan to shower (perhaps daily/perhaps weekly depending on the chaps hygiene preferences) at the expense and inconvenience of others.

Yes he plans to spread his sponging widely to lengthen the time it takes to piss off his friends - but the chap will not be sponging one shower but All. His. Showers.

All. His. Showers.

What a misery guts

Or RTFT
He's received an inheritance, he rarely sticks to a job and has actively chosen to live like this.
Stop banging your drum !🙄

<skips happily to join in judging>

I think a lot of women don’t judge enough compared to men and am dying at the posters judging others being too judgemental

Or accusing those of us who urged caution or to say no as being without the ability to imagine what this male is going through

Or stupidity or selfishness for not being aware of how circumstance might force a person into requiring help and understanding

How about judgement is a very important part of life?

That many on the thread may have been through experiences which urge caution on allowing free access to a space used when naked & vulnerable? Or free access to resources for unspecified time? Or free access to drop in when suits the dropper in?

If y’all aren’t stupid or selfish you might being aware of how circumstance might force a person into considering the above before handing over a warmed towel, bar of soap & a backscrubber?

And linking it to voting in the election 😂 jfc 🤦‍♀️

maybe it means we’re Tories because he should stand on his own two feet?

maybe it means you’re Tories because you want women to cover the cost and labour of caring for your poor vulnerable put upon single males so the State doesn’t have to

maybe we are Greens encouraging him to save the planet by showering less 😂

maybe you are SNP and think males should be accommodated by females no matter what (possibility of access to shower area + hidden camera? but namalt that obvs! not even most! not even this one! just have to read any colour of newspaper to know this stuff never happens 🙄)

maybe everyone on thread are independents who believe in individual choice as it pertains to our individual circumstances and personal responsibility for making those choices

<bangs gavel, scares cat & scurries after it with some dreamies to apologise>

because I’m not an unfeeling, uncaring monster hun 😂

You think he's planning to hide a camera in OP's bathroom??

👏 👏 👏

All the- poor menz let him use your shower you selfish tory witch 🙄
I can guarantee that this "poor bloke" living in his van tiny 🎻 will be down the pub later, gobbing off about not working,paying bills, council tax or contributing like " Mugs" whilst simultaneously mugging the "Mugs" for hot water, food, washing etc
No thanks

You so fucking sure he 100% won’t? 🙄

Easy for you to sneer when it wouldn’t be your naked body plastered all over PornHub if he did

maybe you haven’t read any coverage of even celebs being subject to this

maybe you are incapable of using google

maybe you are a that-wouldn’t-ever-happen-to-me-that’s-Jeremy-Kyle-demographic’s-issue smug bitch

or maybe you know fine rightly it’s at least a possibility but fancy making a dick of yourself on the internet

I often make a dick of myself on & off the internet but not usually by denying the realities of abusive male behaviour on women

I agree with some of the most recent statements.

I have every sympathy for people who have ended up in difficult circumstances through no fault of their own, but I also know people who make life choices not to maximise their income or comfort- repeatedly. They seem quite proud of this, but also happy to take whatever they can get from middle class working professionals like DH and I.

We had an awkward situation recently where a couple like this visited.

We were going out for dinner, and I offered a number of different options in different price ranges for us to go to, so it should have been obvious everyone was paying for themselves.They chose the expensive place and the DH had the wine pairing as well. It came to the end of the meal and it was obvious to me that they expected us to pay. When that was not forthcoming they started quibbling about the service charge and the general service, which had been fine.

All fine but they do give off this vibe of being better than us because they are free spirits not tied down to the man.

It sounds to me and like I said in a pp on this thread I’ve known someone like this, he doesn’t want a job badly enough or to stick at one long enough because for whatever reasons he can’t stick it, it being office or other work or colleagues and so on. Which makes it great for him but then means if he has got an inheritance and a deposit then he can quite easily not get a job, buy a van and live like a hobo all his life.

Some people are fine like this but it can wear thin if you’re the regular friend he gets favours from in the form of a shower, washing clothes, hot meal. And if he’s single and you’ve got the means how can you turn him down? Like I said I’ve had experiences of similar people staying with my DP’s (not living in a van though the Australian woman did actually have a camper van and went on outback trips!) and a lot of the time they rely on friends putting them up for free because they’re too tight to pay for a hotel or serviced apartments.

That’s exactly what my friend’s dad did. Everyone knew him as this cool eco hippy type who had magic mushrooms, liked a drink and was far out man. Meant he opted out and got a job where he lived on site in a caravan and he also cocklodged with a woman for a while and her DC. Meant he was Disney dad to my friend but also left her at age 9 at Glastonbury where she had to sell Pancakes to get money to buy food as he was off partying there at same time. He’d always bang on about anarchy and how he couldn’t live with the status quo way, probably one reason why he was divorced from my friend’s mum at a young age.

I have a friend who bought a camper van to live the nomadic lifestyle, but he very quickly got a girlfriend in the winter and was then sleeping at her's 90% of the time, and also used his mother's house / girlfriend's house for his contact with his children, so really the van life did not ever really materialise and now it is parked up most of the time outside his girlfriend's and they use it just for weekends away occasionally. I think the reality of van life was not what he expected it would be.

@VoteHappy I have RTFT, the implication was that the inheritance was insufficient to put a deposit on a house, and that he would be unable to get, or afford a mortgage.

So it's fair for me to extrapolate that if he spent the inheritance on rent he would, before long, have spent it all on rent and then be unable to meet future rent payments.

As for not sticking at jobs, we've no idea why that has happened so I guess I'm assuming a different scenario to you- maybe I'm wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️.

That notwithstanding, housing and rent are unaffordable for many many people, especially single people, including those in full time work. Like it or not some people work in mimimim wage jobs, for a variety of reasons, many of which are out of their control and have nothing to do with being workshy or lazy. The "I'm alright Jack's" seem to prefer to blame people who are struggling, presumably to make themselves feel justified in their stance as to think otherwise is inconvenient.

Odd how this has been connected to voting preferences. I am a lifelong Labour voter and will be continuing to vote Labour ( even though they don't know what a woman is), but as a person WFH in a small London house with 3 adults already living here, I don't want a fourth adult queuing for the bathroom. That's all.

Thanks again for your comments.

On the job front, he tends to get low paying hospitality type jobs, particularly in bars and nightclubs. He’s even had a role in managing a couple in the past. However, he never sticks at them for long - 6 months at most, before he gets itchy feet or the level of commitment required is a bit much.

He’s actually pretty employable in those roles, very outgoing and personable, and although he’s not young any more, he has a trendy, youthful vibe that means he still picks up work in that sector from time to time.

He also picks up labouring and that kind of work when he needs to, but tends to stay as long as is needed to get over the immediate financial “situation” and then leaves.

He also paints but makes very little money from that at all.