Van life request to shower

[Uoyeb]

I have a long-standing friend who is a bit unconventional. He’s never really stuck at any job, is a bit of an artist, always low on cash. He tends to live in short term rentals, often studios or rooms in shared houses. It wouldn’t be a life for me but he seems happy and content with it, so be it.

Rents are increasing and and he recent came into a small inheritance, so he’s decided to buy a van to live in. He’ll fit it out similar to a small camper, sleep / live in the van, and then use toilet facilities that are open to the public, and showers at friends or cheap leisure centres or service stations that have that facility.

He’s asked whether, on the odd occasion, he could use our shower if he’s in the area and there’s nowhere else local to go. I’m not sure how to respond.

How would you respond?

Haha yes I agree. I said yes earlier in the thread and I'm voting Labour. You might be onto something.

And what about when you won't do a small favour for a friend just because you immediately jump to thinking the worst of them, thinking you'll get taken advantage of, and catastrophising what might happen if you dont protect what's yours at all costs? Is that Tories or Reform UK?

Labour and of course a friend could use my shower.

Hi @MagnetCarHair I haven't given an answer to the substantive question so you don't know my view.

As I read through the replies it struck me that you can probably (but not definitely) tell something about political views based on how people answer the OP.'s question.

When you have high standards about how other people should behave in terms of kindness, allowing you to signal your virtue but without any inconvenience to yourself? Lib Dems?

Thanks everyone for your comments, and I’ll pass on the links people have posted that might help.

I don’t know how big the inheritance is, but it’s enough to buy a second hand van and fit it out. Quite how good the fit out will be is another matter, but that’s for him.

He could use it towards a house deposit, I expect, but the problem is he has no regular income and I can’t see him getting a mortgage. I’m not even sure he’d want one, I get the impression he’s attracted to a nomadic lifestyle.

I say “when he’s in the area” because the impression I’m under is that he’ll be a lot more nomadic than previously and be away for periods of time.

I don’t have an issue helping my friends - if he was homeless, I’d put him up until he got back on his feet, no question. However, what he’s doing is, in effect, choosing a particular way of life - he’s not been thrust into it by circumstances.

In any event, I think I’m going to say yes but put very clear expectations around how often and arrangements.

Ah, well, I'm that much maligned, 'single issue, former labour voter'. Make of that what you will 😁

You obviously have really great friends, @Onedaystronger! But what you’ve described is people going above and beyond for you in an emergency. Something awful has happened which is beyond your control and they’ve stepped in to help. I don’t think anyone is saying that they’d begrudge a friend the use of their shower while their hot water wasn’t working or because they were homeless due to flooding; it’s the open ended request for a subsidy that makes this different. It’s the difference between your friend looking after your DS for 4 days when you were in hospital and asking her to have him for 4 days “every so often” because you “weren’t keen on childcare” (and yes, there’s a thread on here at the moment about exactly this scenario and everyone has told the OP she’s a mug!).

I would not have any issue with this.

And you would take that from a friend?

It surprises me how harsh some of the responses are. If someone is your friend then it might be enjoyable to have them pop in and have a shower followed by a cup of tea and a chat.

Ah - this is what my friend thought when a friend she’d made when she was working overseas as a teacher asked if she could come and stay with her for a few weeks when she first moved to London. “Just to sort herself out and get started”. Fine. She enjoyed her friend’s company for a few days. But this turned into a fortnight, then a month. Then another month. Then another mutual friend (male - and very persuasive and on whom the original friend had a bit of a crush) got wind of this and decided now was a great time to come over and “see a bit of London” as well. And first friend had told him that my mate “wouldn’t mind” and then he’d booked his plane ticket……. And then another of his friends from Australia popped in. He could sleep on the floor, no problem. But, but - they’d cleaned the kitchen and everything….. I kid you not; at one point, she was working all hours in a really stressful job and had three of the spongers in her space, basically living off her other than buying the odd load of bread. It was dreadful. And any thread on here will tell you that people DO find it incredibly difficult to be assertive, especially with friends. She ended up really stressed and fed up about it. People - even people you consider friends - can really take advantage. Because it’s them. And it’s only a shower. It’s only a meal. It’s only a couple of months on the sofa and he’s not getting in anyone’s way. (And yes, the sofa surfer was particularly sneery about “the rat race”, which made it especially galling - he was happy enough to live in the flat it paid for rent free….)

And you would take that from a friend?

Of course not. But it’s why I’d never ask for an open ended, one sided “favour” from a friend either. Because if I want to use something (be that a car, a shower, or a hedge
strimmer) on an ongoing basis, I should pay my
own way and sort myself out. Totally different in an emergency or as a one off. But that’s not what this man is asking for. He’s asking for a vague, open ended “use of facilities”.

This is an interesting one to me so I wanted to read some responses before replying. Having done so I'm erring towards saying no. For me it's the kind of standing arrangement that I wouldn't like. The reality of a good friend coming by for a catch up and doing some laundry or showering is absolutely fine, it's something about being a part of some arrangement that I wouldn't like but i can't figure out why. In the past, I've offered my spare room to one friend who had builders in, and my shower to another who was having their bathroom done, but those were boundaried things. I've offered to be a UK base to a friend who's moving abroad but that will also be very limited in practice.

I am in London and get friends asking if they can stay, constantly. Sometimes friends I haven't spoken to for years! Its very inconvenient for me, especially since I WFH now. I have had to be very clear and say no, sorry but then they have gone on about how they can't afford a hotel and made me feel guilty and selfish.

" No good deed goes unpunished" has been really true for me.

1. Is he a CF?
2. Are you the sort of person that would really struggle with putting down boundaries/not being "nice"? if it became an issue (frequency, inconvenience, him wanting to park at yours permanantly)

If the answer to both of those is No then go for it.

If he's doing the van build from scratch, then he could put a shower and toilet in.
My sister did that with her van.

As I read through the replies it struck me that you can probably (but not definitely) tell something about political views based on how people answer the OP.'s question.

In my experience, you get just as many Tories as Labour voters screaming “everyone should subsidise me and the way I live”. Hard to call it on this one given it obviously involves a chunk of inheritance!

I'd say 'yes of course'. It clearly isn't going to be every day, nobody buys a van then parks up in the same layby of the A40 for the rest of their life.

Takes up a lot of space though? And he could just get a solar shower for use in summer. In my experience men aren't as fussed as women about where they wee or even poo.

Sorry haven't read all the comments but surely he could afford a cheap gym membership to somewhere like Pure Gym which are all over the place and shower there?

I feel the same. I absolutely hate when people include other people in their plans. I dont mind to help a friend in a emergency, I dont like friends (and relatives) counting on me when making their consious life choices.
So I would say no.

I think this is such a sad mindset. Being generous to friends should be the norm imo. We’re meant to rely on each other, not be super independent and lonely all the time :(

I have a few friends that have lived in vans, my dad also lived in his camper for a year. I’m always happy for them to bath/shower at mine or do a load of washing.

I would say no because I'm horrifically introverted and get stressed when people are in my house or turn up at my house. If I know someone is coming over for the hours leading up to it I can't focus or do anything!

I would say no. With one bathroom between 4 of us, there are already arguments over taking too long in the bathroom. also, I think this could give him an excuse to take the piss.