Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

If I were in such a situation - I would be very upset. I would feel betrayed. I find it odd to think someone wouldn't. I sometimes feel that people who are not heterosexual these days declare that anyone that is 100% only interested in the opposite sex is prejudiced. If you are not 100% only interested in the opposite sex - how would YOU know what it is like to have a clear preference and absolutely no interest in the opposite sex? I love men, I have no interest in women at all. I have had women make advances and it's really awkward because I don't want to offend anyone but no. I had a colleague who married a man and then divorced and married a woman tell me that I'm prejudiced because I am 'not open' to relationships with the same sex. LOL What BS. She's telling me I'm prejudiced for being heterosexual.

So if I was married (again) and my husband told me he thought he was bi, I'd be out of there like a house on fire. Because if you're telling me this, it stands to reason that this is because of some unfulfilled desire/need. Where I grew up we had a hyper-awareness drilled in around the risks of multiple sexual partners. When I was younger I had a lot of gay friends and when I had a long distance relationships they all said the same thing - they did not believe a man would be faithful in a long distance relationship. Yes, my gay friends encouraged me practice safe-sex and presume my long-distance partner was unfaithful. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with someone unfaithful. And I know I have friends who are the same.

Personally, everyone can be who they are and do what they want. But you have to be honest and forthright with people you have relationships with and just because you decide you are no just attracted to one sex - doesn't mean your partner as to accept that. Not at all. I have every right to not want to be in a relationship with someone who is not strictly attracted to women, and has never had a physical relationship with the opposite sex. I have every right to only be interested in monogamous relationships. I have friends who are bi, bi-curious, 'fluid', gay, trans....and as far as I'm concerned what they do in bed is their business. And what I do is my business. But yes, 100% if my partner told me they were bi/bi-curious/fluid I would be out of that relationship immediately. That is my choice. And i think anyone who says I'm prejudiced for my view is the one who is actually prejudiced.

What's the point of declaring yourself to be bi, then, if you have no intention of acting on it and it's just an idea in your head? Serious question.

Every year when I see the London marathon I fantasise about what it would be like to cross the finishing line. I really like the idea of it. Every year I do nothing about it. Thinking about it doesn't make me a runner.

The act of sex is the most intimate, personal thing you can ever do. It makes you vulnerable like nothing else ever will.

It's absolutely right we should all have the right to do this with a person we choose. Every time. Our decision to not do so has no impact on anyone else whatsoever.

To liken ime saying I get turned on only by the thought of sex with a man who is only hot for women, to being a racist, is spectacularly thick at best and dangerous at worse.

It is not phobic in any way to have this preference.

The same reason I assume you’d still call yourself a lesbian even if for whatever reason you’d never had a relationship or chosen to be celibate. Someone’s sexuality doesn’t have to be enacted to be true, it just is. It’s a dimension of your identity and what makes you you.

Did OP ever come back ... ?

Really? I've known a number of women who thought they were lesbians and sought relationships with other women, then came to the conclusion they weren't and went back to sex with men. If all you know about lesbians is what you've seen on The L Word or Pornhub the reality is rather different.

You can't comprehend whats been said, repeatedly, by myself and other posters. So you're defaulting to the "biphobia!" chant while not having enough nouse about you to figure out that you're shouting it at someone who literally fits the definition of bisexual.
My belief that everyone has boundaries, and everyone has the right to implement those boundaries as they see fit without being compared to incels prudes or control freaks doesnt make me "biphobic" and being told that I am by a straight woman is just fucking hilarious. Sit down.

This!

If my DH came out as bisexual, I would leave him.

Having a specific aversion to bisexuality, in that it can turn someone you were previously attracted to unattractive by that known fact alone, is biphobic no matter how many people want to dress it up as something else.

Anyone has the right and entitlement to find whatever they want attractive or unattractive, and to be in a relationship with who they want to and not be in a relationship with who they don't want to, but it still is what it is.

Is it homophobic for a gay woman to want a gay woman as a partner?

A gay man to want a gay man as a partner?

God you're exasperating.

Who has actually done that though?

This is backwards logic. A gay woman/man must have either a gay or bisexual woman/man as a partner or said partner wouldn't be attracted to them to even be in the relationship. If they have an aversion to bisexualism in its own right, then yes it's biphobia.

Apparently thats an acceptable sexual preference. But when someone is bisexual and therefore is willing to have sex with both sexes, that means straight people have to accommodate that or they’re bi phobic. 🤔

Make it make sense.

You really have to be suspicious of some people’s motives on this thread with their refusal to accept people’s preferences.

But within their sexuality, a gay man can have a preference to sleep with men who are attracted only to men. That doesn’t make him phobic. Same as for a straight person.

Sure, but it doesn't mean the root of that preference isn't biphobia. What is the root of that preference? Or more specifically, what is the aversion to bisexuailty to the degree that is it unattractive?

Accepting preferences and believing those preferences are biphobic are two separate things.

You on page 30/31?

If a bi person only wanted to date other bi people, would they be hetrophobic?

Do you mean homophobic? As in they do not want to date a homosexual person? Because a bisexual person could not date a heterosexual person of the same sex.

If you mean homophobic, then yes if a bisexual person finds someone's homosexuality the specific aversion then yes it's homophobic.

If you mean a heterosexual person of a different sex, then yes – it is also heterophobic to have the specific aversion to heterosexuality.

Imagine being so fucked up as to not accept someone’s sexual preferences and tell them that they’re phobic if you don’t agree with them.

I accept the preference, I also think it's phobic. Again, two separate things.

its creepy af to think that way

A preference for a partner of one category is not the same as an aversion to anyone who isn't in that category. If I prefer to date dark-haired men, it doesn't mean I hate blonde men or think they are disgusting. You don't get to demand and dissect people's reasons for who they prefer to sleep with, even if you can't think of any reason that you personally would find acceptable.

There are, for example, loads of physical characteristics that many or even most people like or prefer in a partner which, if we actually examine them, would exclude groups of people in a way which, by the arguments of some on this thread, would be 'phobic'. And yet these preferences are utterly commonplace and generally accepted. Weight/build being just one example.

Sexual preferences are not phobic. It’s creepy to say they are. If someone does not want to fuck you, accept that.

End of.