Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

I’m bi, not everyone wants to be with a bi person and that’s their right. Not everyone will want you, and there will be many reasons for that, who cares? I don’t understand all this entitlement and cries of phobia, it’s very dramatic.

OP, if your husband knew you’d kissed women before he married you and that you were attracted to women, then he’s a moron for not realising you were bi anyway, so I’m struggling to understand his outrage.

Unless you’re gay I suspect. I bet gay men and aren’t women phobic.

To be fair, bi people can also do the whole man + woman = baby and so aren't a threat to the species.

It isn't something important to me. I was genuinely surprised to meet a man who was put off, and it turns out he was put off because he thought it was for male attention. I don't see it as hiding because I don't have the type of relationship where we discuss fantasies or attraction outside of the relationship. DH was always been very jealous and didn't want to hear about any of my past boyfriends or attractions (I know now that this is a red flag, I didn't know this when I met him). I know this thread isn't about me, but I think that my experience isn't so unusual and perhaps the OP shares it.

It's 100% like the boy who cried wolf.

If people call everything biphobic then people will just tune out when they hear the word.

Same with transphobic. Everything is transphobic....and people are so so sick of being called transphobic just because they have expressed concern about something like a rapist who raped a woman with his penis being allowed to call himself a woman that it stops people listening to

When I catch a glimpse of a newspaper headline these days with 'transphobic' in the headline I just assume it's over something absolutely ridiculous and not transphobic at all.

Perhaps it was actually a legitimate case of someone being transphobic but people can't bear the thought of reading about it because it will just be another article 'crying wolf'.

I feel sorry for the transpeople who experience genuine transphobia because other people cry wolf over the most stupid of things meaning that genuine transphobia is now not taken seriously.

One poor transperson could have suffered a violent transphobic assault, and then there's someone else whining that the nurse called his chest his breast by accident.
😅

Why do you keep using that argument?
People can be attracted to someone and then stop being attracted to them because something turns them off.

because what has turned them off is simply and solely the fact that they suddenly find out they are bi! This is still exactly the same person, just now they are (known to be) bi and apparently that trait automatically suddenly makes them so disgusting as to negate the whole relationship.
That’s flagrantly biphobic, and saying “but it’s just my sexuality” doesn’t make it any less so.
I can’t see how you can continue to argue otherwise. But we will have to perhaps just agree to disagree.

How would you feel if he told you he was bi?
Personally I would feel you were planning on an affair and it would impact the relationship.

You could say the same about a gay man though. It’s not completely unheard of for a gay man to marry a woman and have kids, if he tells her upfront before the wedding that he’s gay, nothing has change about him right, so she should still marry him? Except of course not because she has her own sexuality and right to pick what she finds desirable in a partner. 🙄

I'm bi and would be a bit hurt if someone previously interested in me suddenly broke it off due to my sexuality.

That being said, I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that they're biphobic. Who your partner has slept with (or wants to sleep with) matters and can easily be a turn on or turn off.

If I found out that my partner had slept with over 50 people I would immediately be turned off. If I found out they'd previously been in an open relationship, I would be turned off. For me, monogamy and long term commitment is a massive turn on.

The bedroom is not an equal opportunities place. Some people only like blonde women. Some women only go for tall men. Almost everyone fancies the conventionally attractive people. Sure, it sucks if you're in a category that most don't go for, but life isn't fair.

It’s not entitled or dramatic to call biphobia, biphobia. It’s just calling a spade a spade.

not everyone wants to be with every bi person. Some people aren’t attracted to some bi people, for all manner of reasons.
Some people are attracted to some bi people, but then are disgusted and turned off when they find out they are bi, and it’s perfectly legitimate to be concerned about that.

No it isn't. It's really, really weird and creepy to be "concerned" about other people's sexual boundaries. You aren't being some sort of justice warrior, you are a step or two away from being rapey.

No because in that case there may be other perfectly understandable reasons for ending the relationship which aren’t simply “being gay is disgusting”. I might want to end a relationship if my partner tells me they aren’t attracted to me, regardless of whether they are gay or straight or bi.

she has right to pick what she finds desirable in a partner. YES, for the very last time, of course she does.

A person can end a relationship because they are biphobic, and another person can observe they are biphobic and not be wrong.

Yes but that can happen with lots of things.

Also 'turn off' may not be the correct term for all. I'd say it's too strong for me, particularly if you're using the term 'turned off' to mean that they're disgusted by them.

For me it would be more like it neutralizes the attraction. I wouldn't be turned on by them anymore but I wouldn't be disgusted.

If there was lying or deception I would be disgusted by that, but I would feel the same about any lying or deception.

Sorry I don't know what you mean by this?

Except it’s not biphobic. This isn’t some big human rights issue, no one is trying to take rights away from bi people, some just don’t want to have sex with them, or a relationship. That is their right. Are you seriously handwringing over who other people want to have sex with as if it’s a big problem or any of your business at all?

Right but obviously in this case she wouldn't marry him not because she has her sexuality that makes gay men unattractive, but because she knows that he isn't attracted to her.

Oh don’t start that again. Calling me creepy and rapey doesn’t contribute to your argument in any way and anyway this has already been discussed to death up thread.
its perfectly legitimate to be concerned about biphobia wherever it occurs, and also retain an absolute principle that people are entitled
to sexual boundaries and consent.

Exactly

Not to play offense top trumps, but calling someone rapey for suggesting that some sexual preferences are due to prejudice is awful.

I agree with this. I think it was an unfortunate time/way to choose to reveal this to him- it would make it more likely to link between the event of a partner leaving her husband for a woman and you telling him you were bisexual. I can see why he might feel as though as you were trying to imply something- sometimes people use an example to open a conversation about something difficult or they are worried about the reaction to. He maybe is genuinely blind-sided and feels that there was a reason you told him this news in that way. He maybe does feel a bit like the rug has been pulled out from under him. It doesn’t make his reaction ok- asking you about sexual acts you’d like to do and saying it disgusts him is unreasonable and unpleasant.

I think it is also odd to say in one breath that you thought he knew you were bi-sexual, but then on the other hand say that you have only relatively recently come to this conclusion yourself- I don’t know how he could possibly have known something about your sexuality which you yourself have only recently discovered. In fact, he knows you have kissed women previously- that raises the possibility of bi-sexuality, of course, but it really is not certain.

I think you need to decide where you go from here- you need to discuss with him why he has reacted this way/what he is worried about and make it clear that you cannot tolerate any more of this behaviour. If he genuinely cannot reconcile this information, then you both need to move on.

If we were having a discussion about attraction / non attraction to black men (again, both are fine. I am not the attraction police. You can be attracted, or not, to whomever), and someone brought in a statement about not being attracted to monkeys either, there would (rightly) be an outcry! People would be saying how dare you compare black men to monkeys, you’re obviously a racist. They might try and argue that oh I wasn’t making a comparison, I just happened to use “monkeys” as a random example….. no one would let this pass (at least I’d like to think they wouldn’t!) and they would be told in no uncertain terms that no, you cannot start bringing monkeys into the discussion when we are discussing race, how it clearly isn’t just a random example, how offensive they’d been, etc. I’d like to think people would see this for what it is. Racism.

Bringing peodophiles and rapists into a discussion about bisexual people is the same. It’s not just a random example and it is not made better when they hurriedly give some more examples of people with behaviours they find “gross” and disgusting, clearly not understanding that once again they are saying bisexual people behave in a way which is gross and disgusting, and really has done nothing to detract from the obvious bigotry highlighted in their previous examples.

I don’t understand why people draw a parallel (“I don’t find rapists attractive either”) and then argue they’ve not made a comparison. The fact of giving this example shows that in their heads their brain has made a connection between bisexuality and rape (or other heinous and disgusting behaviour). You’ve given the example, thus giving your prejudice away. And when called out on it tried to backtrack and say it’s logical or it’s just a random example (which is it? Logical or random?!). Like I say if we were bringing monkeys into a discussion about race it would be more obvious, but it would be no better.

All these people saying they should be free to find whomsoever they want attractive and not being attracted to bisexual people doesn’t make them bigoted etc. No, you’re right. I don’t think THAT is what demonstrates your phobia. It’s the repeated parallel drawing with bisexuality and predatory and debased behaviours which demonstrates your phobia.

Also those making assumptions that the OP must surely be about to start sleeping with women now, implying they think bisexual people surely can’t have monogamous relationships. Again, this is a judgement about bisexual people which is unjust.

I recently had my own prejudice shone back at me. I didn’t think I was being prejudicial. Thought the example someone had given was fair enough. But when explained why it was exclusionary and offensive I was able to see the error of my ways and I changed my mind. That’s why these threads are important. It saddens me that no one here seems willing to examine their own prejudice and use of offensive examples and language and question where this has come from and whether this does belie an underlying prejudice which they should challenge themselves on. I genuinely thought people were better. Seems it depends which people you try and engage with. I can see my time here has been utterly wasted.

So people are allowed their own sexual boundaries but you're going to go on and on and on and on and on calling them biphobic?

For what reason exactly? Who do you think you're helping exactly?
Do you think you're going to change peoples minds? or is it that you're trying to shame people into staying relationships with people if they find out they're bisexual even though they are no longer turned on by them?

What's an acceptable reason for not being attracted to a bi person?

Completely disagree.
Going on and on and on and on and on at people who have expressed their sexual boundaries, trying to tell them they're wrong and their boundaries are wrong and that should be more open minded is coercion which is fairly rapey.

But he didn’t say he wasn’t attracted to her, he thinks she’s beautiful, like many gay men admire and find some women beautiful. So what’s the problem? He still loves her, he’s still the same person, he doesn’t intend on sleeping with men, he’s just gay. So she should still marry him, yes?

What you’re doing is taking part in this popular victim fetish. You are not a victim just because someone has a preference to not date bi people, and it’s entitled to act as if some kind of human right has been breached just because other people have their own preferences that don’t include you. That’s life, suck it up and move on rather than crying victim or trying to label it phobic. All you’re doing is setting the scene to create real homophobia.

Ok cool, I see what you mean. Thanks for explaining.