Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Nope, he finds her very pretty, he tells her that, just like many gay men talk about beautiful women, so no problem, right?

we Aren’t discussing what is “acceptable”, we are discussing what is biphobic. A non biphobic reason for not being attracted to a bi person would be any reason that wasn’t simply because they were bi . Obviously.

Would it be ‘slut shaming’ if they were put off by a person who had slept with 100+ other people? Is that phobic too?

my aim is to participate in a thread on mumsnet where people are expressing any manner of biphobic ideas, prejudices, stereotypes and point them out for what they are- which is biphobic.

My aim is to encourage people to reflect on how people’s choices and behaviours, including in sexual/romantic relationships, can be affected by insidious and harmful forms of prejudice, and it’s ok to acknowledge that reality .

But he didn’t say he wasn’t attracted to her, he thinks she’s beautiful, like many gay men admire and find some women beautiful

what are you talking about? “Admiring” a woman and finding them beautiful (“like many gay men” do) is not the same as being sexually attracted to them.
It’s not bi or homophobic to end a relationship because someone tells you they aren’t sexually attracted to you.
I don’t have time for this today, this took up far too much of my time yesterday and everything I have to say has already been said!

What exactly do you want people to do, @Tandora ? Stay with their bisexuals partners even if they are no longer turned on by them? I assume not.

So is this just a theoretical exercise of labelling something biphobic? And likewise labelling other dating preferences as ageist, fatphobic, heightist, anti-vegetarianism and so on?

Sure, I would agree that these things are often a result of societal views, but what is gained by lecturing people on their sexual preferences? What does the label 'biphobic' do to help the situation?

Well thanks so much, from a bi person, for contributing to raising hostility towards bi people. LGB acceptance is on the decline and it’s because of people like you constantly chastising others for their perfectly valid preferences whilst insisting everyone cater to yours. Good job 🙄

I reserve the term "rapey" for the men who physically sexually assaulted me, and the ones who tried to. But whatever, if you want to stretch the word to include "people think my preferences are prejudiced" then.... Not much I can do about it.

Really? That doesn't seem like your aim at all. Seems like all you want to do is go on and on and on.

Do you actually believe that your approach is doing some good or are you unable to see that your approach actually makes some people respond more harshly about the topic? And that's not really a reflection on the topic at all, that's a reflection of your approach.

I think I said this upthread but a few years ago on MN the bisexual threads were full of similar comments to yours shutting down people who said they wouldn't date bisexual people.

And now we're at the point where straight people who are only interested in straight people are fighting back and saying "actually no, this is my preference, and that's ok, and I won't be shamed for it"

But if he’s still having sex with her and finds her beautiful, then nothing has changed and her rejecting him is pure homophobia, surely?! And yes, it is fucking stupid, that’s the point.

It is also concerning that people are being told by default that turn offs make them phobic. If years into our marriage my spouse announced that he has veen giving our sex life and is orientation significant thought and led them to the conclusion that their sexual orientation had now changed that would be an issue that was well beyond them being turned on by members of both sexes.

Again, you are being reductive. You’re assuming that the issue here is quite simply biphobia but it’s not. It’s significantly more than that. All you’re doing now is demonstrating an inability, by you, to see the bigger picture. And understand that any conversation like this is a problem. As I’ve said if she was honest about her sexuality at the start of the relationship that would have been different, but years down the road. No.

So there is no acceptable reason not to find bisexuality attractive. If you're not attracted to a bi person, that is acceptable only if it's something else about them that doesn't spin your wheels.

I've been raped and sexually assaulted myself.

And that's actually one of the reasons I'm actually so firm in my beliefs that we are allowed to have our sexual preferences and no one should be trying to erode them and telling them we have to be open to other men who we're not actually interested in.

The other poster isn’t remotely interested in a discussion. She’s one of those who thinks everyone must have sex with everyone because it’s phobic otherwise. Lesbians embrace the penis and straight people can no longer expect an open and honest relationship with another straight person.

Why are people saying it’s a terrible thing not to disclose your sexuality before marriage, when the issue is that the OP had an inkling but didn’t fully understand her sexuality at the time?

do you all think sexuality is fixed at birth for everyone? It isn’t. If it was for you, great. Good for you, that’s one less thing to worry about. For many people it’s not like that. We age, we change, we grow, we come to understand ourselves differently.

my overwhelming takeaway from this thread is that many of you have no understanding about sexuality that isn’t definitively gay or straight, and absolutely no intention of allowing it in your own little worlds. Limited thinking imo

"no one is pressuring anyone into any relationships they don’t want. They are just calling prejudice out for exactly what it is. You can date exactly who you want , but if you say out loud and proud , eg “im white and I only like to date white people” be prepared to be called a racist because that’s most probably what you are (unless there’s some other good reason I can’t think of?) calling something a “personal preference “ doesn’t mean it isn’t driven by prejudice. What is prejudice after all if not a personal liking or disliking of something?"

@Tandora you said this upthread and I just want to point out to you that actually, yes, accusing people of whateverphobia is a form of social pressure.
When we're referring to someone's personal feelings/attraction/preference/whatever, it isn't prejudice, bigotry or phobic. It's just a matter of fact. No one should be attempting to shame others for their sexual attraction so long as it's legal and not harming anyone it's none of your concern and you're not owed an explanation. Your militant policing of straight people's intentions is way out of line.

I also noticed you repeatedly touched on white people being attracted to other white people. Do you feel the same when a black person declares that they only date other black people, are they racist too? What about Jewish people only dating Jews or say, someone from India only interested in Indians? Are they acceptable to you? Most people do date within their own community, it's completely fine and normal and its not your place to be yapping all over this thread at other people's personal choices.

👏👏😂

(She's just going to call you biphobic in response though 😆)

oh right. Yes LGB (I notice you left off the T) acceptance is on the decline and it’s because of people like me who call biphobia and homophobia exactly what it is when we see it - bi/homophobia . (Not the people who are bi/homophobic, who openly express that they find male same sex attractive disgusting , that it’s “not masculine”; who assume that straightness is the default; who insist bi people disclose their sexuality or be accused of lying and deceit; who imply being bi is associated with promiscuity and a tendency to cheat; who compare bisexuality to extreme sexual fetishes like coprophilia, or sexual crimes like child sex abuse and rape.) sure, sure, I’m the problem:
Have a nice day ✌🏻

It’s hardly surprising that someone who is straight, who therefore likes sex between a man and a woman, may be turned off by two people of the same sex having sex and therefore may not want a partner who is into that.

It’s no different to a gay man who likes sex with a man, being turned off by a man and woman having sex. Just because the man in the scenario might be bisexual, doesn’t mean the gay man has to/will find that attractive.

Or for that matter, would it be ok if a bi person only wanted to date other bi people, or would that make them hetrophobic?

No doubt @kkloo 😆😆😆

Are you saying that when you’re married your spouses sexuality is none of your business? Something that you cannot be impacted by?

I’ve said this elsewhere but if my spouse suddenly sits down and announces a change in sexual orientation or indeed any preference that’s the direct opposite to me it’s going to make me uncomfortable. Why are they thinking about that? Why is it so significant that it warrants a conversation? What am I supposed to do with that?

I am married. Would I sit down and start telling my husband about sexual fantasies that do or do not translate into real life that do not include him? Or indeed directly exclude him by virtue of his sex? No. I would not. Because I’m not an insensitive ass. And if I did I would absolutely expect him to he hurt. And to want to talk to someone who won’t make glib gross remarks.

Why is it that there are an overwhelming swarm of humans who think they live in a bubble where they can do and say what they want with no regard to how it affects other. The world does not revolve around you. You have the right to explore your ever evolving sexuality and you spouse has the right to say “nah. I am out”.

Imagine thinking a stranger on the Internet disagreeing with you is a form of coercion!

Good point @Naunet
I don't understand the need to police others personal feelings and apply labels to them. Why can some people not let others set their own boundaries??