Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

It’s just that my sexuality is a big part of my identity and I thought I could confide in DH.

It can't be that big a part of your identity if your own DH didn't realise.

It's all about the timing, OP. Yes, your sexual identity is important but once you marry, that's a 'done deal'. I can see why your husband is floundering with this news. Why did you feel the need to share it? WitchyBits explains perfectly about the time to disclose.

You mention that he was aware - on some level - beforehand but it doesn't sound like that was the reality. If he had been aware it wouldn't have been the total shock that it is now. Saying that he knew doesn't ring true.

I would be wrong-footed if my husband told me that he was Bi now, it really isn't relevant in a committed relationship but it is devastating. All those men who 'come out' to their wives are just as inconsiderate and selfish.

Also, he can speak about this to whomever he likes. You don't get to silence or restrict who he can speak to. Your marriage isn't going to be the same again whoever knows, you've dropped an unexploded bomb into it. What did you think would be the consequence?

It's the bell that can't be un-rung. You both need to look at where you want to go from here.

Being bisexual does not automatically mean you are up for an open relationship. One partner is enough thanks! 🙈

something you recently discovered

You've kissed women in the past, what changed? Apart from you navel gazing.

Also, he can speak about this to whomever he likes. You don't get to silence or restrict who he can speak to. Your marriage isn't going to be the same again whoever knows, you've dropped an unexploded bomb into it.

One hundred percent this.

You’re contradicting yourself. You say you thought he knew but then you say you have only just realised yourself.

I don’t understand what you thought would be gained. If your in a happy relationship then why mention it at all?

Inclined to agree with this. Somehow this would be different to discussing sex fantasies and finding the thought of sex with another woman a turn on especially as it's a pretty.

I think he's taken it as a serious consideration to want to explore.

Hes probably just wondering why its at all relevant. Agree with others its a bit of a strange thing to announce. If my dp revealed this unnecessary piece of information I'd wonder if he was testing the waters maybe in the hope I'd let him go off and discover this side of him and doubt my reaction would be "ah cool I love learning about you".

Sorry, but I'm afraid I'd be separating if my husband said he was bisexual. I'd feel fully betrayed, like I was in a relationship with a man I didn't know. And I simply wouldn't find him attractive any longer - not because I'm against bisexuality (I'm definitely not) but because the idea of having sex with a man who desires men is unappealing.

Sorry, but I think his reaction is no disproportionate to the truth you've e just revealed.

Well said. I am in a different position in that my DH knew that I was bisexual when we met. I hate the way that people assume that if you are bisexual you will automatically be unfaithful. Also, of couse you are going to be attracted to other people sometimes. You are married, not blind, and you can be attracted to others without doing anything about it,because you love your partner and are commited to them.

A big part of your identity.... does this mean you are planning to come out publicly too? Which is obviously all good although if you aren't and so aren't planning on changing your lifestyle and social life to embrace it then I don't get why it's a big part of your identity.

fliptopbin, you're not in the same position as the OP as your husband knew when he met you. Nothing shocking about that at all.

He has had this dropped on him and that is shocking. It would be to most wives/husbands/the other in the couple.

So if you ant do anything about it, why bother making me big deal of it?

It's not like anyone else really cares. It doesn't need announcing to friends etc, you're still you.

There's literally nothing to gain from telling him.

Well yes but it seems pointless to tell him at all.

Although I must say that a personal crisis type of chat I need to have with someone which will naturally touch on my sex lite and sex choices, it would be weird for me to talk to my dad about it

Really surprised by the responses.
I can see why it could be unnerving for DH, if he's concerned you're mentioning it because you're unsatisfied with the relationship or seeking something he can't give. But presumably you made it clear you weren't looking to seek out something sexual with a woman, you've just been able to articulate something that's always been true/realised something about yourself? (Also a bit surprising he didn't know this anyway given that you've kissed women in the past!) The graphic questions sound homophobic.

The fact he went to his mum instantly when she has form for using info against you would concern me a lot too

I'm bisexual. I've had relationships with women. I'm now married to a man and we've been together in a monogamous relationship for 8 years.

I am somewhat baffled as to why your sexuality is a large part of your identity? Mine is broadly irrelevant. I'm married, I'm not with other people. My identity is more being a wife/mother/full time employee.

CLASSIC Mumsnet, all the bisexuality tropes and stereotypes out in force.
Telling your partner a sexual preference means it's totally reasonable for them to think you want to cheat on them.... since when? Why on earth would would you think that, unless you believe the age old trope that us bisexuals MUST cheat and MUST need to have people of both sexes on the go. Just because your cousins hairdressers sister's husband said he was bi then revealed he was gay and was sleeping with men behind her back doesn't mean that a bi person telling their literal partner that they are bi means they are going to cheat.

Also the 'why does he need to know'
I would argue this is fair core information to tell someone? If you don't think your partner 'needs to know' your sexuality then your bar for what you tell your partner must be extremely high, no small talk about what sandwich you had at work or about the dog you saw on the way home in your houses?

I regularly fantasise about sex with a woman so does this make me bi? I don't think so but even if it did this doesn't in anyway affect my marriage provided it stays in my head as I'm not planning on acting on it.

Before you marry all this is fair.

Afterwards, you've made a sexual preference clear, so stick with it.

Otherwise you're changing the basis on which you're married.

Oh get over yourself with it being a big part of your identity. I’m bi but married to a man who I love therefore it’s totally irrelevant. Who I’m sexually attracted to when I’m watching films really doesn’t change my personality and I’ve married/committed to dh so it’s just not a big deal. He’s aware that if he left me there’s a chance I’d be with a woman but he’s not planning to leave me so it’s irrelevant.

Foxblue, it's a fundamental part of who we are, isn't it? Our sexuality? We meet and marry a whole person and know - or think we know - all there is to know.

Finding out later down the line that your partner isn't what they portrayed themselves to be is a shock. It's not just sexuality - something like gambling is also likely to shake the foundations of a marriage.

Making it sound like it's a 'homophobic trope' is just being disingenuous.

Ultimately you’ve more or less told him “I regularly see other people and feel sexually attracted to them”, which nobody really wants to hear from their partner regardless of the sex of those people. It’s completely fine to be attracted to other people in your own head but most people don’t remind their partner that they are out loud.

Honestly, all this 'why tell him unless you're looking to cheat?'

I can only speak for myself, but I'm bi and I told my DH because it's a part of who I am. I have never cheated on him with a woman and nor do I want to. But hiding this part of myself from him felt like lying by omission.

So much biphobia here.