Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Ok, do tell me then, what has increased it? What’s changed other than preachy little dictators chastising everyone? We were doing much better before your constant policing of others. And yes I leave the T off (as well as the AIQ++++ how phobic of you not to notice) because it has nothing to do with sexuality and is actually pretty homophobic.

Who said that?

Your militant policing of straight people's intentions is way out of line.

Nowhere have I “militantly policed” anyone. I’ve just described a form of prejudice for exactly what it is.

It's not just one stranger on the internet though. There's a whole movement of this sort of thing telling women that their preferences are wrong.

And she’s just describing your actions for what they are. See how that works?

You probably made your point back on page 1. The militant policing has gone on the whole way through the rest of the thread.

I see the Sex Police are still about this morning

Right!

Yeah except it isn't prejudice. Not in any meaningful or impactful way. It's absolutely not your place to question others and nobody owes you any form of explanation.
If someone is happy to share their reasons and you decide that you don't like their reasoning, so what? You just have to get over it I'm afraid because it's completely out of line to start throwing accusations at them.

The thing is, you've characterised it as a change/preference that's the direct opposite. This is what I mean by limited thinking. It's not the direct opposite, it's an expansion. It's an alteration but not a rejection. And if you are in a marriage where you're both taking the time to grow with each other - or at least understanding that that is something that is going to happen over the years - then it doesn't have to be perceived as a threat to you personally or even to the status quo. It's actually not even that important except to the person involved if they are not planning to do anything about it. It's just a detail!

If the OP was planning to go off and experiment with women then that would be an entirely different kettle of fish, but she's not, so it's just a detail about her that allows her bloody life partner to know and understand her a little better. All this 'what am I supposed to do with that?' drama is not really warranted. You don't do anything with it, you talk perhaps (or not!) and you know your partner a little more.

That you've decided somehow it's on a par with sexual fantasy tells me you don't get it, but instead of saying, you know what, I don't get it, you and a large number of people on this thread have decided that it's gross, unacceptable to hear about, hurtful, whatever: I mean, what do you think would happen if you just accepted this is a thing that happens with humans? Because it is! With some, anyway. Clearly not with others.

And yes, any spouse has the right to say 'I'm out', I agree with you there. If there's a lack of fundamental understanding then that's most likely what's going to happen, and you know what, it's no bad thing.

It’s not “militant policing” it’s continuing to participate in a conversation (that I would really rather not) because people keep tagging me and demanding I explain myself!

You're the one demanding explanations from people 😂

It is militant policing...how many posts now have you went on and on and on about calling out biphobia when you see it, and it's only in response to someone saying they wouldn't like to date a bisexual person.

Ok @Tandora and @MotherFeministWoman
If you're referring to my post. I didn't say that a stranger on the Internet was a form of coercion. Read what I wrote.
If you're throwing accusations of bigotry and prejudice at people then you are partaking in a form of social pressure this may not be as impactful on an individual basis..one or two strangers on the internet...but we don't live in a vacuum and you are contributing to this attitude publicly, which is why I'm pointing it out. You made it public.
Now if people expressed your views in person to the people around them, it's absolutely plausible that someone would feel pressured to remain in a relationship that they weren't happy in to avoid negative labels and accusations.

It wasn't that difficult to understand, I've noticed a little pattern of deliberately missing the point of peoples posts to discredit them. It doesn't work, and won't change people's minds.

Those of you asking why she didn't say anything before marriage are forgetting the level of prejudice that LGBT people faced in the past, particularly in certain parts of the UK. Particularly during the AlDS Crisis.(Apologies OP if you are younger than that). had a friend who was stabbed coming out of a gay bar, and another gay couple who regularly had dogshit and fireworks put through their letterbox. So if people didn't say anything, maybe there is a reason for that.

You also called people bi phobic purely because they expressed their preference to sleep with only straight people because that is what turns them on.

You are part of the problem because you are calling people bi phobic who simply a preference. Many bisexual people say it dilutes the meaning of actual bi phobia and causes less tolerance. You should think on that. Hopefully no one here will let your views do this. I’ve never met a bisexual person with your problematic views on other people’s preferences, it’s something I have only come across on mumsnet, often not even from bisexual people, but from people who take offence on behalf of others who don’t actually care. 😅

The lack of understanding is from you. I do get it. The term fantasy is one I’ve used because there are endless people here saying people like me have decided all bi people will cheat. I have not decided that. IF they cheated that’s an entirely different discussion but not related to the declaration of bisexuality.

When you marry a person it’s supposed to be an exclusive relationship between two people. An expansion of sexual desires within that marriage is something the other has the right to say no to without being called phobic. Whether there is intent to act or just a conversation with no purpose at all beyond the person exploring processing at the cost of the other.

If you think your partner may not want to marry you because you are bisexual, whether that is their personal preference or due to them being phobic, why would you want to marry them anyway?

@blablasmthsmth I’m not “missing the point of your posts”. I think you are totally out of line tbh. But clearly you think the same of me.

You are offended that I called something biphobic , so you have decided to accuse me of being manipulative, coercive, a little bit rapey, whatever. i think that is grossly manipulative personally.

Here you describe perfectly exactly why i think it’s important to call out biphobic attitudes where i see them expressed:

you are partaking in a form of social pressure this may not be as impactful on an individual basis..one or two strangers on the internet...but we don't live in a vacuum and you are contributing to this attitude publicly, which is why I'm pointing it out. You made it public

Either way, I don’t think this conversation (my part in it) is now really serving anyone, least of all OP, so I will gracefully bow out. Have a lovely day.

I think what’s clear is they’re straight phobic.

oh right. Yes LGB (I notice you left off the T) acceptance is on the decline

L, G and B are sexualities. T is not.

I wouldn't call it rapey, but there's definitely something creepy about throwing this much energy into berating people for their sexual preferences and attempting to invalidate them. It shouldn't bother anyone this much that some people don't want to sleep with them.

The T also represents actual, real homophobia, like telling lesbians to accept ‘girl dick’, but I bet @Tandora is ok with that?

You are offended that I called something biphobic , so you have decided to accuse me of being manipulative, coercive, a little bit rapey, whatever. i think that is grossly manipulative personally.

I'm not offended, why would I be? Your thoughts on other people are unimportant. I'm just pulling you up because you're wrong.

Also the piece of mine you quoted doesn't do anything of the sort lol.

I’ve also been raped and sexually assaulted as have many women, that’s not some kind of trump card to shut down the conversation.

It’s also my firm belief that prejudice should be challenged and discussed - including when it informs sexual preferences. You’re conveniently ignoring the bit where I and @Tandora and others have said NOBODY SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE THEY DON’T WANT TO. You can and should have absolute bodily autonomy over who you sleep with, but that doesn’t mean a conversation and some introspection about where some of those preferences come from is off limits.

Many, many opinions are informed by prejudice, not just some sexual preferences. When something is considered the norm and has never been a persecuted characteristic (like being straight and white) it’s not a direct comparison to say “but some some black people only want to date other black people!” or even “some lesbians only date full lesbians!” (although biphobia in the gay community is a thing). But it’s not the same because of the power dynamics involved. Straight white people are, to put it simply, the “oppressor” class, so wanting to keep them away is understandable when you’re part of a minority group. You can’t be racist to white people or “heterophobic” because the power dynamic doesn’t exist that way around.

Many of the justifications about why people wouldn’t date a bi person or would leave/feel differently about their spouse if they came out as bi stem from the assumption that heterosexuality is the norm and anything else is inherently lesser, and changes someone’s character. That in itself is a problematic assumption. Heterosexuality may be the most common sexuality by numbers but it isn’t more normal. it’s perfectly normal to be bi or gay too. It doesn’t mean you go around actively thinking all bi people are gross or whatever but the instinctive reaction that a relationship is damaged or ruined by one party being bi does come from subconscious negative assumptions about bisexuality. That doesn’t mean you should start dating bi people or that you can’t leave a relationship you don’t want to be in. Of course you can, any time, for whatever reason. That doesn’t mean those reasons aren’t worth thinking critically about, or that other people can’t challenge them.

I'm bi and made my DH aware right at the beginning of our relationship- he wasn't remotely bothered by it. I expect he WOULD be bothered though if I'd raised it years into marriage off the back of a conversation about someone we knew who had left her husband for another woman. Not because he would think I'd be more likely to cheat due to being bisexual, but because the timing of the conversation might make it seem as though I too had been considering looking outside the relationship.

That said, your DH's reaction is extreme.