Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Adults who use the word identity regularly when talking about themselves have a problem of the ego.

I think egos get rather hurt, and it's hard to swallow someone doesn't totally receive your identity with open arms, so then you blame 'phobia'.

Basically everyone needs to stop navel gazing, get on with their lives and onky cry wolf when someone is in actual danger

Well I definitely agree with the last bit.

im afraid I am going to take some convincing before I accept that not fancying bi people is a specific, innate and immutable variant of human sexuality.

This whole thread is an argument about circumstances where straight people have fallen in love with bi people. Cases where they are attracted to the person , regardless of them being bi.
this makes perfect sense since being bi is not an externally visible trait , you cant even know if someone is bi unless and until they tell you.

👏 Thank you. This saves me writing a reply which would have been very similar.

There seems to be a growing trend for people to think that their opinion is fact, and then they use that to jump to all sorts of conclusions. They believe they’re very open minded, live and let live types, but they’re so busy taking offence on behalf of everyone, that they can’t see their own prejudice and stereotyping.

I don’t think a gay man would be interested in you either funnily enough!

Gay and bi are pretty straightforward sexualities, it’s not like announcing you’re demi-sexual but only on Tuesdays.

I'd choose a straight man as a partner over bi's or gays any day. That's because people with complicated sexualities tend to be boring

we can add this to the list of absurd of bi/ homophobic crap spewed on this thread

So what I have learned from mumsnet today is that I need to be more open minded and learn that finding bi people unattractive and disgusting is a specific, innate and immutable variant of human sexuality (even though in lots of circumstances straight people are in fact attracted to bi people, but that only happens when bi people are being deceitful liars).

Boring?

Is that the best you can do?

You are a trump supporter so really I don't think your opinion on bi or gay people can be taken seriously.

@Icannoteven I agree that her husband has reacted immaturely, not least by rushing to tell his Mum.

It does sound as if they’re not compatible and it’s a shame that they didn’t talk about sexual preferences before they got married, as it would have avoided this upset. I’m not sure why the OP assumed that he somehow knew that she was bi if she hadn’t actually told him.

People are incompatible for all sorts of reasons and thank goodness nowadays we aren’t expected to put up and shut up if we’re not happy. The OP isn’t happy with her husband’s reaction and she can leave if she wishes.

and until someone can give you an acceptable answer then you're going to keep going on and on that you're right and stating your opinion like it's fact? Telling other people that they don't understand their own sexuality?

Why do you keep using that argument?
People can be attracted to someone and then stop being attracted to them because something turns them off.
Attraction and sexuality is like that.
People get turned off people all the time even though they might have been previously turned on by them.

You sure seem to know nothing about human sexuality for someone who has such strong opinions.

Well assuming men with autism can't be intelligent or good conversationalists is pretty fucking prejudiced.

Lots of people on the thread have asked how it matters if someone is bi if they aren't actually looking. One way it matters to me is that I hear things that I wouldn't hear if people knew I was bi--they are willing to say the most outrageously bigoted things because they think I'm one of them, and it won't bother me. It would bother me anyway, but it also means it's me they're talking about. It means that when I look, I look more widely. Because my H isn't a dick, it means that we can compare tastes, which is actually quite fun sometimes.

For the people saying they would leave if their partner came out--I find that bizarre, unless it's about your own insecurities (in which case, own it). That that one thing that doesn't even affect your lives trumps everything else you know about them, all the memories you've shared, the life you've built together? You absolutely get to set your boundaries, but they seem frankly astonishing to me.

And for everyone saying "before marriage is the time to tell"things were different in the 90s. The first time I told a girl I liked her, I lost my whole group of friendsshe turned them against me. There was a lot of pressure to be straight (pressure that this thread demonstrates is still alive and kicking). It was a lot easier to tell myself I was a straight girl who sometimes liked girls than it was to admit what I was.

In any case, while OPs husband has the right to have strong feelings about this, and to talk to people about those feelings, the way he has gone about this seems pretty fucking nasty.

SOME straight people have an innate preference for straight people.
Other straight people don't have a preference.

There are lots of variations among sexuality, and some people just happen to be attracted to people whose sexuality matches theirs.

Some straight people prefer bisexual partners and find it to be a turn on, if it's a turn on great, if it's a turn off then "YOU'RE WRONG" and judgemental and prejudiced and biphobic🙄

They are not hard of understanding they just like that opinion.

if you don’t want to shag some one your obviously a ‘bigot’

Coercion is very big at the moment

Are we pretending that being straight isnt the default? That a millennia hasn’t past of procreation. You know man and woman = baby. It’s a biological fact most people are predominantly straight because if we wasn’t humans would die out pretty fucking fast.

When I date I assume they are straight because they havnt stated they are also gay. Lots of people put ‘Bi’ on their bios - I generally go off what people tell me about themselves. When you meet someone they try and put their best self forward.

So to omit quite a big aspect about their sexuality is hiding that fact.

Why would you have to hide something so important to you? It’s because they know it might put people off - which is deceitful.

🙄

If you’re looking to learn something, then your take away from this should be that people are different and find different things attractive and unattractive.

Just because you haven’t experienced something, like being a straight person that isn’t turned on by a bisexual person, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen or that when it does, that it must be rooted in phobia. Thats as bad as someone saying being bisexual isn’t real because they haven’t personally felt attraction to both sexes.

I think I learned something on this thread.

A bi person needs a man OR a woman, not a man and a woman, to be fulfilled in a relationship.

Adults who use the word identity regularly when talking about themselves have a problem of the ego.

Thank you Sigmund.

if it’s straightforward why didn’t OP disclose to her husband pre marriage

Also it is absolutely nothing like the boy who cried Wolf! (Have you actually read the story!) 😂

Then put another way.

If biphobia is thinking that announcing a change in sexuality during a marriage doesn’t permit me the right to walk away I am happy with that label.

Much like I am happy with the transphobic label if it means lesbians don’t have to accept a penis into their sex lives.

It really is!

It seems these days you’re either anti consent or phobic.

I never said I was bisexual. I’m not as it happens.

But don’t let that stop you passing judgement as you’ve shown yourself incapable of anything above bigotry and judgemental rantings about some half baked perception of what is “logic”.

Your argument about having been with women is akin to those people who argue that they have black friends or a black relative so can’t be racist. Your insulting my writing style and calling me names is the last resort behaviour of someone who knows they’ve lost an argument so resorts to hurling insults instead.

This - and I say this as a bisexual person.