Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Of course you have. You have spent the whole thread telling people their own sexual preferences can only be due to bi phobia and that they should examine their reasons.

If it's been discussed to death it's because it's true. Trying to override someone's sexual boundaries is very much rapey. It's genuinely abhorrent behaviour and it's absolutely mind boggling that you think you're on the side of right.

You’re conveniently ignoring the bit where I and @Tandora and others have said NOBODY SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE THEY DON’T WANT TO

Probably because it’s negated by you both then screaming bigot at anyone who exercises that right.

The other one does have that right to say no - as I said, if there is no understanding, then that's for the best.

But I take issue with "an expansion of sexual desires" because it isn't necessarily about sexual desire. That turns women into nothing but sexual objects, which is an entirely patriarchal focus. Surely we can understand that women are far, far more than that.

Having a discussion about the fact prejudice can inform many of our ideas and opinions including sexual preference is nowhere near the same as trying to override someone’s boundaries, and it’s mind boggling you don’t understand that. There’s a real lack of ability to engage in critical thinking and discussion on this topic but the bi threads always go the same way.

This

I didn’t say they weren’t.

The point is if a persons sexual orientation alters or becomes a topic worthy of discussion the other person can walk away without labels of phobia.

This is reminding me of Philip Schofield and how we were all supposed to think he was so brave for coming out, but actually I just felt sorry for his wife.

OP, if you raise the topic of you being bisexual within the context of another woman leaving her husband for a woman, you can hardly be surprised that your husband feels upset.

I don't think he needs to know - in the same way I don't tell my husband details of other men I might be attracted to.

You're married to a man. If you want to stay married to that man, your bisexuality is irrelevant because you'll never act on it.

There is no discussion when people start shouting phobic and bigot at anyone with different views. That’s not a discussion, that’s an attack and it turns people off and leaves them with a bad taste in their mouths.

It clearly depends.

Maybe the husband truly feels sad that his partner hid something from him and no amount of talking gets them over that hump in the relationship.

Maybe the husband can't shake the feeling that she doesn't want him any more and feels inadequate.

Just spitballing really. I don't think those reactions are necessarily biphobic. Could be but more about the relationship I would say.

But if the husband thinks it's all about the sex (that she's not having), disgusting, attention-seeking, accuses her of being greedy, wanting to sleep with anyone and everyone, predatory even...yeah those are the stereotypes that biphobia enforces. A sad end to a relationship, that, but I'm sure there would have been other signs.

You talk about lack of ability to engage in critical thinking while you utterly fail to realise that prejudice isn't an exclusively negative word. We evolved an ability to pre judge situations (the meaning of the word) for damn good reason. Exercising prejudice in our sexual boundaries is almost always a good thing and never, ever a bad thing. And it is always, always, always disgusting to try to make someone feel bad for their sexual boundaries.

Prejudice is only bad when it interferes with the rights of others. But nobody has the right to someone else's attraction. Not ever. So engage your own critical thinking and stop trying to argue that there is ever a reason to try and knock down someone's sexual boundaries. There isn't.

You have called posters with a different view to yours preachy little dictators and said they have victim fetishes which leaves quite a bad taste too. Pot / kettle etc. Give it a rest, it's a Friday.

@Ratisshortforratthew You can’t be racist to white people or “heterophobic” because the power dynamic doesn’t exist that way around.

Are you serious??? The Cambridge dictionary definition of racism is "the belief that some races are better than others, or the unfair treatment of someone because of his or her race".

How does that exclude racism against white people? If someone says they think white people are inferior/evil/stupid etc purely based on the colour of their skin then that exactly fits the definition of racism.

Likewise if someone claims all straight people are inferior/evil/stupid then that is definitely straight-phobic.

I would agree that within the UK, racism against non-white people has certainly been more prevalent and problematic, but that doesn't mean racism in the other direction has never and can never exist.

Are you saying that when you’re married your spouses sexuality is none of your business? Something that you cannot be impacted by?

Haven't seen this mentioned. Perhaps everyone already knows all about it and takes it as read, but I'll say it here so it's been said.

One of my volunteering roles brings me into contact with a lot of gay men. I hear some fairly hair-raising stories about the things some of them get up to. Not all bi/ gay men seek anonymous sex with strangers, but IME quite a lot do. I have a close gay male friend who talks about the crazy hook-ups he had when he was a responsible, high-earning, married man with a lovely wife and children. His wife knew nothing about what he was up to. The marriage eventually ended when he gave her pubic lice and an STD. He wanted to be a good husband and father and he clearly loves his ex-wife and kids deeply.

The use of condoms has declined since the AIDS epidemic. There's a rise in stealthing, in which HIV+ men set out to pass HIV on to partners. There's also a rise in men seeking to catch HIV. Of course there are all the usual STDs doing the rounds as well. And Grindr has made finding someone for instant anonymous sex easier than ever before.

So women who are living with and having sex with bi men really do need to know about it.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4768590/#:~:text=Bug%20chasers%20are%20HIV%2Dnegative,gives%20rise%20to%20their%20moniker.

OP, if your husband knew you’d kissed women before he married you and that you were attracted to women, then he’s a moron for not realising you were bi anyway, so I’m struggling to understand his outrage.

I don't know this is fair. Plenty of us have have sexual encounters with women without wanting love or a sexual relationship with that woman. The Uni years are infamous for this. But also very few people haven't had same sex AND opposite sex encounters or thoughts regardless of identifying as straight or gay. It's how you come to the place of understanding what you do like. If she had been in an actual relationship with a woman you may have a point.

I think her husband understandably thought she was straight given she hadn't mentioned she wasn't.

I’d say a 30-odd page thread full of disparaging remarks about bi and gay people does interfere with the lives of others. Specifically the right not to be judged for your sexual orientation. It certainly doesn’t help matters when people with an opposing view try and (calmly, reasonably) put their side forward to explain how prejudice can shape our views and preferences, only for the disparaging remarks to double down. Shouting “you’re a creepy rapist” at someone doesn’t make you look good or have the effect you think it does. The origin of sexual preferences isn’t off limits for discussion. You’re choosing to interpret that in ways that no one is actually saying.

Just coming back to this thread.

Some posters really cannot have a discussion can they. Throwing insults, accusations of this and that, it really shows a lack of communication skills and it ruins so many interesting threads on here. You have to wade through a slew of posters who have clearly taken against one another and turn the thread into their own personal little drama with another poster. This is now just another of them and it's tiresome.

I’ve said the rise in homophobia is due to preachy little dictators, yes, but I’m not the one lecturing others about engaging in discussion, I don’t try to engage in genuine discussions with people who shout phobic at everything and won’t listen to others views, because it’s like trying to teach a cat to bark.

There's not been any disparaging comments about bi or gay people though.

That’s obviously a terrible situation but completely irrelevant if nobody is cheating. The problem here is the man’s cheating and risky behaviour, not his sexuality. Being bi and remaining in a monogamous relationship is a totally different situation. STI testing for both partners before stopping using barrier protection is also sensible whether you’re gay, straight or bi. I’m not at all denying the risky behaviour some gay men enact, but the risk factor here was the cheating.

In my case he did know, but if you were not gay or bi in those times you couldn't understand.

You must be reading a different thread or have a very different idea of what constitutes disparaging then.

But having a curious fumble is a bit different to stating you have an attraction to women. If a man told me he’d kissed other men and was attracted to them, I’d assume he’s bi, but maybe you’re right, it just seems bloody obvious to me!

If you don't try and engage in genuine discussions then stop tagging and replying to posters blaming them for the rise in homophobia instead of actual homophobic people. Preachy little dictators is quite a nasty little dig as is calling posters who have experienced homophobia or bi phobia victim fetishists. You're replying to people who have explicitly said they're going to stop engaging and you haven't eloquently responded to any of their actual points except with personal attacks. Just drop it.

Oh more policing 🙄 I’m bi, I’m entitled to my opinion on this and to point out why I think the rise in homophobia is happening because it directly impacts me. Are you bi? Do you have any skin in this game?

I can also reply to whomever I want, that’s how public forums work. Don’t tell me what to do, you have zero authority here and if I think someone is embracing the victim fetish trend, I’ll say so thanks, no one is forcing anyone to reply.