Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

He's odd, childish and seems homophobic.

I don't understand why you told him. Being Bi isn't the same as being unfaithful, but if you told your male partner you're bi what are they supposed to think? His automatic assumption was most likely that you want to have other partners.

If he wants to leave because of this - it is a trust issue as well as anything he has said. So you have to decide what you want, and let him decide what he wants. And if that means an end to your marriage, so be it.

Why did you tell him this? If you're married then presumably you are never going to have a sexual relationship with anyone else, man or woman so why did you say it?

If DH told me this I would find it hard to process.

Uh, sorry he was like this. Do you think it's prejudice against bi people? Feeling threatened? Some people assume that being bi means you can be unfaithful, which is biphobic nonsense- could he have assumed that's what you were suggesting?

What did you hope to gain by telling him? I think it will undoubtedly have changed the status quo and make him question things.

Im looking forward to comparing this to the threads about men coming out as BI to their wives. Let's see how different the responses are!

You didn't need to tell him? Unless you are looking to explore relationships with women surely?

Why? What was the point in telling him that unless you were looking for permission to explore it?

Jesus, Op,
poor you! Ignore the ones telling you it’s ’irrelevant’ in some way, your sexual identity is not irrelevant.
Hes obvs feeling massively insecure, and being homophobic.
I’m not sure I could stay with someone like that.

I suppose it sounds a bit like you’ve only told him as you are considering sleeping with someone else. Whether that’s male/female if my DH stated he was thinking about being attracted to other females not me then it would
also rock my foundation. It’s not the being bi it’s the thought of you being with anyone else and do you want someone more than him?

I agree with others saying why did you tell him. If my dh told me he was bisexual, I would assume he had either slept with a man or was planning to.

Mumsnet is the worst place to ask about this. As a rule it is very biphobic.

You won’t find help on MN I’m afraid… LGBT switchboard is good if you want someone to talk to…

I'm bisexual and my DH knew this before I was with him. But I have to say, if you are in a committed monogamous relationship ( regardless of straight/bi/gay) , I don't understand why anybody would " come out " ? If you are not happy within your massage then that's a different thing. But if you ARE happy and want to remain with him why would you tell him this now? This current trend for nailing your colours to the mast is a bit bizarre to me. I'm not saying you can't acknowledge that somebody is attractive if they are the same sex etc , I often say " oh she's pretty " to my DH when watching the tv, but what did you hope to achieve from telling your DH that you were also attracted to women if he didn't already know?

As a PP, I'm not sure what the purpose was in telling him, unless the realisation means you have intention to act on it?

I've flipped it to try and put myself in his position if my DH told me he was Bi, and I think I'd be upset and panicked that he was suddenly going to seek relationships with Men, but only in the same sort of way as if he suddenly announced to me that he'd realised he was particularly attracted to Brunettes (which I am not).

If you have every intention of remaining totally faithful to your Husband then surely who else you are attracted to is largely irrelevant?

His reaction isn't great but I'm not sure what you expected instead?

I would have a lot of strong emotions to work through if I had a husband who I believed to be straight who suddenly announced he was bi I would be afraid that was a slippery slope towards him leaving me for a man.

Maybe you two should do couples counselling to get all these fears out and reassure him that you only want him sexually and will only be faithful to him.

No one likes to hear about who their partner might like to potentially sleep with so cut him some slack.

It's bugger all to do with being whatever phobic has been attached to it and everything to do with whether your spouse is looking to shag about or not.

I'd be wondering why my husband was telling me this now. What's the point? Does it mean he has, or wants to or is wanting to split up etc. those thoughts can rattle your emotional security.

I wouldn't be happy with my husband telling me this. I'd be questioning why he hadn't told me in the past and why he was bringing this up now. I'd be upset thinking he'd hidden this from me and thinking he had some sort of agenda bringing it up years after he could have told me. It can be really disconcerting thinking you know someone really well and then you discover some part of them that you never knew

Thanks for all your replies. I generally thought he knew I was bi when we first met. It’s been something on my mind for a long time and it’s only recently that I’m comfortable identifying as bi. That does not mean I plan to run off with the first woman that walks down the street. Just like hopefully DH isn’t going to either! We are committed to each other. It’s just that my sexuality is a big part of my identity and I thought I could confide in DH. I did genuinely believe he knew I was attracted to women. I did not tell him because I was planning to be unfaithful.

No it’s not. People speak their true minds on mumsnet. And if you ask people in person they’ll generally just say what you want to hear.

A big part of your identity.... Why?

It's not like you can act on it, no one cares who you're attracted to apart from you.

Im looking forward to comparing this to the threads about men coming out as BI to their wives. Let's see how different the responses are!

Yeah, I thought this tbh.

Why did you tell him? What good was it supposed to do? I'm bisexual. None of my male sexual partners have ever known. If you're married, presumably, you've made a choice.

Why bother telling him unless you're planning to open up the relationship? If you're monogamous it's pointless.

I definitely did not tell him for “attention seeking reasons” Why would I do that? It’s part of my identity and something I had recently discovered. I did it to confide in DH but I was naive probably

A big part of your identity.... Why?

Agree. I never understood this.