Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Because it’s really darn creepy and immature asking someone why they are attracted to or not attracted to others. Personal preference is a choice. I have one life and I am allowed to be picky with who I spend my life with.

I'm bisexual, and I've had relationships with men who haven't thought anything of it, a man who was very insecure and thought I was going to run off with my lesbian friends, and one who wanted me to tell him what I did in bed with women so he could get off on it (abusive in other ways too). I don't know what you do now, but the it's okay being gay (or whatever) but why do you have to talk about it reminds me of the homophobia / heterosexism of the 80s and 90s.

It's really hard being bisexual, you often don't fit in anywhere and mental health conditions are more prevalent amongst bisexual people than lesbians and gay men probably for this reason. Your identity exists independently of who you happen to be with at the moment. It wouldn't be right either if you discussed your same sex experiences with your friend whilst hiding it from your H.

You sound like a 15 year old

why?

it may be a
”personal preference” -that doesnt make it any less homophobic.

if someone said “I’m white and I’d like to date a white person”, I’d think they were racist and I’d say so too. And i wouldn’t think it’s “fine”

Agree with this. It's how I feel as well.

Of course you are, but I also think it's natural that mindsets are being questioned on a thread of this topic. Doesn't mean anyone's under any obligation to alter their POV, but a bit of questioning is healthy IMO.

Wow

So if I was to say my preference is only to date another hetero man that makes me homophobic?

How?

Yeah this. ^ If I were your DH @Scorchioo I would be very suspicious as to why you had told me this now. (And if you had cheated with another woman, or were planning to.)

If my DH told me (after many years) that he was bi, it would be game over for me. I would be like 'why the fuck are you telling me this?! '

I think your marriage is living on borrowed time now sorry.......

I’m sorry the responses on this thread are so awful, OP. A lot of people in this thread evidently very insecure and paranoid in their marriages and projecting it onto you. You didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s absolutely the kind of thing you should be able to share within a close, loving relationship. Yes he might have some reasonable questions wanting to be reassured about what it means and that it doesn’t mean you are looking to cheat on him or open up the relationship etc, that would have been a reasonable reaction, but his reaction was not reasonable or kind or sensitive or supportive or particularly intelligent or well-informed from the sound of it.

Depressing to find so many bi married women on this thread defending the bi closet. Being bisexual is absolutely something you should be able to share within a good relationship. I’m not sure I can imagine wanting to be in a long-term relationship where someone didn’t know something so fundamental about me. So weird that people are defending secrecy and lying by omission - about something that is boring and natural and fine - as part of a healthy marriage.

The time to tell your husband is before marriage.

I did

I'm sorry, but I'm struggling to understand what you are saying here.
Bisexuality = who you are attracted to
Monogamy = choosing to only be with one person
They aren't related. They are two seperate things.
That's like saying when you get into a monogamous relationship, being straight is no longer part of your identity because you no longer want to sleep with that hot guy at the coffee shop and only your boyfriend.
Apologies if I've misunderstood.

And on the last part:
If you have a brunette partner, do you miss sleeping with blondes? I love cake and chocolate, saying I love both doesn't mean I'm not happy with just cake...

@Harara

I’m sorry the responses on this thread are so awful, OP. A lot of people in this thread evidently very insecure and paranoid in their marriages and projecting it onto you.

Yeah yeah, THAT is why people are saying the OP shouldn't have told him she was bi. 🙄

Yeah this. ^

What’s with people pressuring others to have relationships with people they don’t want to? All in the name of progression too. They think they’re so progressive but it’s that kind of thinking that has led to the lunacy of attacking lesbians for the their genital preferences.

You are allowed to love who you love

You do not owe anyone and everyone sex

You are allowed to be attracted to some but not others

You are allowed to love any gender you want

Others are allowed to not find me attractive

Others are allowed to find deal breakers that me that do not suit their life or future

Wether you are gay, straight, do not find anyone attractive, bisexual - your feelings are preferences are valid.

I think I’m bi but have never “come out” to my husband, or anybody for that matter. I met him when I was young and we’re together a long time and very happy and committed. I think, had I not been in a serious relationship at such an early age, I’d have experimented more but I’m lucky to have met him when I did and wouldn’t change any of that for the world.

But my husband doesn’t need to know this.

Saying “if we weren’t together, I think I’d be with a woman”, is no different that saying “if we weren’t together, I think I’d be with a short, blond man”; my husband is not female, or short, or blond so telling him something like that is pointless, and feels quite baity.

If my husband told me he thinks he’s attracted to petite redheads, knowing that I’m neither of those things and can never be, I’d be upset and suspicious.

No, of course not.

But if DH suddenly had to announce to me (short, clumsy, frizzy blonde) they he just loves tall female dancers with curly red hair, I'd feel insecure about what he wanted and not being able to match up to it (but not be afraid of/discriminatory towards said beautiful women).

In the OP's scenario I don't see why the likeliest explanation is they he's homophobic, when he's going to feel threatened by hearing that she's interested in other options.

How is it biphobic to not want a relationship with a bisexual?

I don't want a relationship with a transexual either, or a pansexual.

He's behaving ridiculous, jealous and childish. Running to his mummy about the fact you sometimes find women sexually attractive?!
What the fuck does he think she's going to do about it? Pathetic.
It's not like you cheated on him. And he knew you'd kissed women before. As for bombarding you with crude questions about what you'd do sexually with a woman?! Would he ask about what you'd do with a man?
Presuming he's too thick to realise that you'd do similar with either sex if you fancied them, ie, the definition of bisexual?
He's driving you away from him. You should tell him this. You've done nothing wrong and he sounds like he's massively unaccepting and insecure.

I can understand it coming as a surprise. You are married and have a ‘straight’ sex life with him. Although being bi is just how you’re made, he may be wondering if you have been unfulfilled by him.

I think the disgusting element is probably picturing you in bed with someone else. He was ok with it in the past, finding out it’s in your present has shaken him.

I’d give him a minute the think it through and just keep talking to him. Reassure him you’re not looking for an affair and your sex life is great etc.

Congrats on the realisation ❤️

People are saying she should have told him she was bi because they are working from the assumption that everyone is straight unless told otherwise, despite them all also being perfectly aware that bisexual women can be in relationships with men, so to assume a woman in a relationship with a man is straight is to commit to an assumption while ignoring facts that could disprove that assumption.
It's.. quite something. Have an illogical reaction to your partner being bi, okay, but getting annoyed they didn't declare it to you when you are the one whose made an assumption based on ignoring facts about life you actually know...

The OP only just discovered she was bi so how was the husband supposed to know?

no one is pressuring anyone into any relationships they don’t want. They are just calling prejudice out for exactly what it is. You can date exactly who you want , but if you say out loud and proud , eg “im white and I only like to date white people” be prepared to be called a racist because that’s most probably what you are (unless there’s some other good reason I can’t think of?) calling something a “personal preference “ doesn’t mean it isn’t driven by prejudice. What is prejudice after all if not a personal liking or disliking of something?

I haven't read the thread because Mumsnet threads about bisexuality are invariably horrible and leave me feeling that everyone around me thinks I'm a bad person, and I don't feel like starting off Pride month feeling that way.

But I wanted to say to OP that that isn't how marriage should be - I have lots of bi friends and our spouses are fine with it. It's not really an issue with DH unless we are watching TV and there is a particularly attractive female character and we both look at each other and agree that yes, she is extremely hot, and it's a nice thing to share.

It's a big deal to some people, but I don't really need people like that in my life.

no. Mumsnet is full of post after post after post after post with an unfaithful spouse, or an ex with the OW or whatever.

And the conclusion i come to with this OP isn't "MN is biphobic" it is that MN is VERY MUCH in favour of faithful monogamy.

The OP only just discovered she was bi so how was the husband supposed to know?

Did you miss the bit where the OP said "I generally thought he knew I was bi when we first met", and that she had been attracted to women in the past?