Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

No, I'm not deliberately misunderstanding. Sometimes that's how things pan out.

I'd you were having a conversation ab9ut a woman who divorced her DH and then got together with a woman, and chose that as the right opportunity to explicitly come out as bi yourself, do you not think that your DH might think the two thought processes are related? I'm not sure it was the right timing for a supportive open conversation to be honest!

This!!!
what is wrong with the people on this thread?!
OP he sounds controlling and homophobic. This would gross me out no end; I don’t think I could stay x

I guess that depends on how necessary a person feels it to be 100% themselves with their partner. And that's going to vary from person to person.

I don't think this is homophobic, you have not question why you told him in the first place.

Why is being bisexual/gay or straight a big part of someone’s identity

dear lord.

He is right, you can't control who he speaks to about, anything.

Yes exactly, and when it is 'my husband has told me he is bi/gay' would the replies be as supportive?

What thread are you reading? There is very little support here.

The responses you are getting are crazy, OP I am sorry about. His behavior would completely put me off and the fact that he said he wouldn’t be with you if you are bisexual, what the heck? That would be the end for me.

I am a lesbian in a relationship with another lesbian if she told me tomorrow she thinks she is bisexual, I wouldn’t think for a minute that it’s because she is keen to cheat on me or open our relationship (but then when you are gay you know what it’s like to question your sexuality and so don’t react like Mumsnet tend to do to this type of thread) I would think it’s great she is finding out more about herself & might ask HER what she is planning to do with this information, and what that means for her & for us (does she need to explore?) and based on her answers I would decide what would be best for us moving forward. BUT if her answer was just “just letting you know as want to be transparent/realized I never told you.” I would be like “okay cool, thank you for sharing, is there anything I can do to make you feel supported in your sexuality and not erased in our relationship?” (Because obviously people would continue to assume we are both lesbians). If yes and reasonable I would accomodate and if she is happy as we are and it was just an “fyi” then honestly that would be the end of the topic.

I couldn’t even imagine thinking “if you like
men in any capacity then it’s over.” But many lesbians do think like that and I find so toxic and despicable that I would never date a lesbian who think that way and is clearly confidently biphobic (just like your husband), I would 100% prefer dating a bisexual than any of them, in fact.

I would have a chat with your husband and ask him clearly what’s his problem with you being bisexual. And if it’s homophobia then I would dump him. If it’s insecurities then there are way around it but I would need him to know it’s his issue and for him to work on not for me to put up with his “disgust”.

I kind of get it OP, I am coming to terms with the fact that I am Bi, it's something I have known but never accepted and only recently I have felt ok about it and able to identify myself that way. I am also married so I won't be acting on it but I do feel ok now to be like yea, ok I find women attractive.

So it's not like a big coming out party, just a realisation about yourself.

Much like yours my husband knows that I have been curious about women before we met and he uses it as a bit of a dig which makes me feel like I need to deny it.

I'm bisexual, but in opposition to the general percieved wisdom of the day, I see sexuality as something a person DOES, not something a person IS. Sexuality is pretty boring and does not in any way constitute a personality trait, much less a whole identity.

So when I've been with women, I'd say I was in a lesbian relationship, and when I've been with a man, I've said I'm in a straight relationship. And I've only said that when asked, I wouldn't just come out with it because how is it even interesting or relevant to anything? The only thing it would do would be to possibly make my partner concerned that I was looking beyond the current relationship. And if I wasn't, then why would I make them think that?

So, yeah, not sure what you were expecting here, other than the effect yuou have actually had, which is less than ideal.

From people who aren’t homophobic, yes.
Although gay would be different as that could be a conversation to the effect of - I’m not sure I’m attracted to you - which obviously adds an upsetting dimension.

There was no reason to tell him. No wonder the poor guy feels upset, I certainly would if a partner said that to me. Give him some time OP.

And this

I'd be extremely pissed off if my DH told me he was bi. Not because I have any issues at all with other people's sexuality - I don't. I would however, be extremely pissed off that he was thinking sexually about anyone other than me, the person he is married to.

Telling someone you are bi is something you do at the start of a relationship. Not once you're married.

I find it absolutely bizarre you felt you needed to announce this to him for no other reason than you just decided to. You've probably ended your marriage.

Do you only tell your partner things that they need to know?

If I found out my partner was bisexual, I wouldn’t stay with him. I’m straight and want a straight partner. It sounds like he feels the same.

He sounds like a real twat and him running to tell his mother would give me the ick.

Do you think that nobody in relationships ever thinks about anyone else sexually ever?

It isn't the responsibility of her future husband to ask ffs.

Those of you that are bi but married in heterosexual relationships and discuss it with your friends. What the hell do you say to each other? I have one bi married friend and she never mentions it. Nor do I mention my sex life, nor do my gay friends. So it seems an odd thing to be regularly talking about.

seriously? This is ridiculous

They would from me. It's your world that has been up-ended, you talk to whomever you want/need to about it.

I'm trying to think of another scenario where this level of shock would be experienced: Affair? Gambling/financial recklessness where home/lifestyle is at risk? Having a child prior to your relationship that isn't disclosed? These are things that ONE party knows and the other doesn't. Hence the shock.

Obviously being Bi isn't an act against another person but withholding the information from the person that you marry, is. That is deceit and it delivers the same sucker punch (for many) as the scenarios above.

It's about deceit, not sexuality which is actually incidental because if it's known about before you marry/commit then it's a non-issue much like declaring that you're a vegetarian (for example) would be. Nothing at all.

@MotherFeministWoman I wouldn't deliberately tell a partner something that would hurt or upset them without very good reason. Announcing this when they are already married (as opposed to when they first met) is very odd.

I’m straight and want a straight partner

why?